Fig-tionary – June 16, 2005

ujr (Requested by princess_castle)

  1. Function: adjective – greater in scale or degree as described by a Brit – Usage: “My dad is ujr than your dad,” said Basil.

okj (Requested by princess_castle)

  1. Function: noun – a noise made while choking on an affirmation of attending an event to which you don’t want to go – Usage: Upon being asked by his boss to attend the cattle-prod testing seminar, Bert nervously agreed with an ‘ojk’ noise and a nod.

ahnks (Requested by princess_castle)

  1. Function: noun – an abbreviated name for ‘ankles’ – Usage: Gloria wanted to go running, but she sprained both her ahnks the night before kicking her brother’s ass to oblivion for wearing her stockings.

*Remember, you can submit a request for a crazy definition for a typo by clicking here. You can read about the Fig-tionary here.

Hai-Kuul – June 16, 2005

Open Bar (Requested by The Shellie)
Much more expensive
But worth the price to see your
Friends act like morons

What Do You Mean Your Cousin Isn’t Being Invited? (Requested by The Shellie)
I heard a rumour
Someone didn’t make the cut
Whose wedding is this?

Chicken or Beef (Requested by The Shellie)
You offered a choice
Which would people want to eat
Why not pick ’em both?

Macarena is On the Do Not Play List (Requested by The Shellie)
Latin line dancing
And you decide to nix it?
A wise decision

These next two were not requested on the Hai-Kuul request page, but I’ll do them anyway, because I like Pat.

Pets That Miss You (Requested by WizenedDragonPK)
You left them behind
To avoid the quarantine
They still miss you though

Dutch Coffeeshops (Requested by WizenedDragonPK)
A warm cup of Joe
Served with a side of fresh Pot
More bang for your buck

Princess_castle apparently loves her exclamation points. Enthusiasm does not go unnoticed.

Oh My Love… (Requested by princess_castle)
I gaze in your eyes
I am compelled to tell you
Your hair is on fire

Burned Pizza Tastes Good???? Yuck!!! (Requested by princess_castle)
You must be crazy
Charred cheese and pepperoni
Bad combination

The Battle of the Hai-Kuul Requesters…Armistice!!! (Requested by princess_castle)
The dust has settled
The Hai-Kuul request queens stare
At the mess they made

Where is My Prince Charming? (Requested by princess_castle)
Must I kiss a frog
To be with my truest love?
Time for dial-a-date

Jalebis (Requested by princess_castle)
East Indian treat
Made with sugar, syrup and
Dipped in more sugar

Don’t Be That Curious (Requested by princess_castle)
The questions you ask
Lead me to believe that you
Are a stalking freak

Don’t Worry Now That I Am Here (Requested by princess_castle)
You can all relax
I have all under control
I am Superman

Heavy Eyes (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
It’s been a long day
You feel so very weary
Longing for your sleep

Finally! (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I have been waiting
Four months for this great moment
Will you marry me?

*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Take a Chance on SPAM!

Take A Chance

I was chatting with Dave the other day, and for one reason or another the subject turned to a John Woo flick called Hard Target.

Incidentally, that movie sucked the big wang in the sky. Jean-Claude Van Damme was up to his normal level of acting, which is located somewhere between a paramecium and a diseased lemming. Wilford Brimley brought all of that talent from the Quaker Oats commercials and put it to good use with the most horrible cajun accent ever. On top of all that, the movie is by John Woo, so half of it will be in slow motion, theoretically making it a third longer than it should have been.

There were two great parts of the movie though. Lines, actually. One of them involves JCVD facing off against some punks on the street. One of them is brandishing a weapon (a staff or something). JCVD utters the line (complete with the Accentotron5000 Phonetic Spellometer™)…

Now tehk yor PIG STICK, an’ yor bohfriend, and fahnd eh bus tew catch.*

Such great writing deserves an Oscar Nomination. Alas, this was not to be.

The other great line was in all the commercials. Briefly, the premise of the movie is that an evil guy (Lance Henriksen) charges people money for a service he provides. He gets old war vets with combat experience to be the prey in a manhunt with live weapons. If the vets win, they get paid. Losing entails being killed in some way. JCVD ends up getting mixed up with a woman whose father was a homeless war vet. JCVD follows the clues, figures out the operation, and challenges the evil people (who try to kill him). Near the end of the movie, JCVD turns the tables on the hunters, and has them pinned in a warehouse. At this point he shouts out…

‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?**

To which Lance answers…

You tell me!

What’s funny about that? Well, Dave was over once, probably playing trivial pursuit with me, when I yelled out to my youngest brother the JCVD line. He didn’t remember the right response (he was ten or eleven, so he had other stuff occupying his brain at that time). The following are some examples, which may actually only be funny to us…

JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: I don’t remember!

JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Not bad!

JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Pretty good, you?

JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Mom!

Good times.

Spam Stands For Stupid People Annoy Me

The increase of SPAM in our everyday lives is a constant annoyance. The internet seems to be composed of one half information and one half SPAM (Thank god John Woo is not in charge of the SPAM or there would be twice as much of it due to slow motion).

My inbox is constantly being barraged with ads for Viagra, Cialis, hot and horny housewives desperate for action, and occasionally the opportunity to garner a college degree from somewhere (another planet, I think).

What’s been more disturbing lately is the fact that a lot of the names in the from field in the header are from familiar sounding people. The first or last names are from actual people in my contact list. Whether this is intentional or not, I don’t know. It scares the crap out of me.

This means that I have to carefully sift through things to make sure that my friends’ correspondence does not get wiped out.

Yesterday, though, I got an e-mail regarding hot models (who want to do me anytime, anywhere for a low low price) from someone named…

…wait for it…

Brontosaurus B. Intemperance

What in the hell is that name?

Definitely not one that would make me pause, thinking hmm, I wonder what my old pal Bronty has sent me today? Wow. Apparently SPAMmers take one step forward and two steps back.

God bless ’em.

* – Now take your pig stick, and your boyfriend, and find a bus to catch.
** – How does it feel to be hunted?