Lost In Translation

I was explaining to kiddo the other day that I used to study other languages back in university and after I answered her expected question as to which ones I had studied, she shot me a quizzical look – you know, the “yeah right” look. So, I thought that we could play a little game. I fired up Google Translate on my phone and set the input language to Russian and the output language to English. I then started a pattern: I would tell her an English phrase that I was going to speak in Russian, I would speak it into the app, and then she would see that the English translation was what I said it would be.

After a few minutes of this, she wanted to try her hand at speaking Russian. So, I would speak a Russian phrase and show her the result, and then I would get her to attempt the same phrase and we would see how well she did. It didn’t take long to find my favourite result. Continue reading

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Book Review: The Book of Letters I Didn’t Know Where to Send

51ytezozkhl

Dear Steve Patterson,

I bought your book entitled The Book of Letters I didn’t Know Where to Send with the expectation that I would laugh heartily. Well, sir, I have to tell you that I did not laugh once! Nope. In fact, I laughed more times than I can count (which is quite a number, I assure you). Continue reading

Hold Your Applause

Armed and Dangerous

Sometimes I wonder if I’m going to be spending the afterlife in a very warm place.

Observe: a friend tweeted this…

I replied with this…

Anyone have an extra portable air conditioner they don’t need?

The Funnier Way

Excuse Me, Sir. Your Daughter Just Said…

My daughter had a sleepover at Nana’s recently. It’s a great arrangement because Nana doesn’t live too far from where I work, so it’s just a matter of her dropping off little J to my office. Win-win, really; Nana gets to spend time with the wee one and I get a traveling partner for my commute.

On the subway, every station is announced several times beforehand (something to do with being sued when people miss their stops or something). More often than not, the on-board speakers are on the fritz and it’s hard to determine what they are saying. Here is a list of “translations” courtesy of my daughter.

TTC: The next stop is Christie. Christie Station.
Little J: Daddy! We’re going to Rice Krispies Station!

TTC: The next stop is Bathurst. Bathurst Station.
Little J: Daddy, are they really thirsty? They are bad thirsty? Is that what that means?

[This one is the most embarrassing one; only because it was declared very, very loudly.]

TTC: The next stop is Spadina. Spadina Station.
Little J: Daddy! That voice on the speaker just said ‘vagina’ two times!


Where’s Bill Cosby when you need him?


Feel Free To Cut In If You Have Heard This…

Misfire?

Recently, Mrs. J and I decided that cutting off the kid count at 1 is the way to go for us (spare the judgement, please). I’m not all that secretive about these sorts of things with my close friends (and most people in general, really). If I was, then awesome dialogue like this would never happen…

Jorge: Ladies and gentlemen, I present: FRANKENBALLS
Krk: Which one do you call Ladies, and which one is Gentlemen?
Krk: You’re alive?
Jorge: I call one Megan and the other one YOUR MOM
Jorge: I am
Jorge: A true foodie, I am switching between different frozen veggies
Krk: Bahahaha
Krk: Locally grown I hope
Jorge: From my own garden
Jorge: A very weird experience
Jorge: To be expected
Jorge: Talked about telecom
Krk: You mentioned that we’re a cut above the rest?
Jorge: I said that we have a ball at work
Krk: … And we try not to get sacked
Jorge: There is a vas deferens between us and the competition.
Krk: BAHAHAHA
Krk: You win
Jorge: You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to scrotum
Jorge: Phew
Jorge: I almost talked about attending pubic school and how it was such a close shave between pass and fail.
Krk: You had me at vas deferens…

Aren’t you glad that conversation happened? Aren’t you glad I shared that?


Fun-nay

Snippet

Every once in a while I have a conversation with someone that is so funny to me that I revisit it several times to brighten my day…


[Chris walks up to Jorge.]
Chris: Hey. Have you had your flu shot?
Jorge: Nope.
Chris: I’m going to go over and get mine now. Wanna come along?
Jorge: Nope.
Chris: Oh. Okay.
Jorge: Yeah. I’ve never actually had a flu shot.
Chris: Fair enough.
Jorge: I hope you don’t think less of me.
Chris: I don’t think that’s actually possible.


🙂


Silver Platter

Landscapades

These days I haven’t really been feeling all that great. A general meh I suppose. Reasons? I have no idea, or maybe I do. In any case, I’ve got Mrs. J and Baby J, so I’m guaranteed at least ten smiles a day.

But once in a while, someone from the outside world (ie: the world outside my home) says something that just makes me crack the hell up…


[Jorge is in Home Depot, talking to one of the employees about topsoil. They’ve talked about how to tackle a particular problem and have moved on to part of the solution…]
Jorge: So, now that I know how to deal with my gravel pit, I guess I should ask you what sort of topsoil I should buy? And how much?
HD Guy: Triple Mix. But honestly? Given the size of your job, I wouldn’t buy any bags from here. It would be cheaper to get it in bulk from a garden center.
Jorge: Seriously? Wow. That’s good to know.
HD Guy: Well, you could get bags from here. Next weekend they are going on sale for ninety-nine cents a bag. That’s dirt cheap, man.
Jorge: It certainly is. Good one, dude.