An Extra Impractical Not-Quite-Connected Rubber Magnifico

An Extra, Extra Long Weekend

Well, I’ll be gone on a camping trip this weekend, so you won’t be hearing from me for a while. My last non-haiku entry ended up being somewhat serious. However, it seemed to generate a lot of great comments and that is a good thing.

This entry will be comprised of several not-so-serious pieces.

Have yourselves a great week, and I’ll be back on Monday!



Impractical Fashion

I understand that there are some articles of clothing out there that raise some eyebrows. Most of these are worn to make a statement, and they end up either showing more skin, or accenting something else. It’s all good.

However, when the style becomes an act of idiocy I shake my head.

I saw a girl on the subway the other day, who was probably fifteen or sixteen (it’s hard to tell because I’m convinced they put breast-growth juice™ in the water in Toronto). She was wearing a tank top which showed off her midriff (which is an acceptable thing, for the most part, these days), and she had on black cotton panties. There was nothing really all that special about them.

They were very plain. I could even draw a picture for you.

How could I do this? How do I know what they looked like so well? Easy. She was wearing her pants below her butt. I kid you not. Rather than allowing her hips to do the work of holding up her pants, she seemed to have decided that it would be far more efficient to wear her pants in a way that caused them to fall down every ten seconds.

When fashion becomes physically impractical it becomes stupid. I was hoping for some kind of emergency evacuation, just to see her try to run with her pants constantly falling down…



Not Quite Connected

Another little tidbit of conversation between Dave and I. We’ve known each other for so long that the stupidest things seem funny. I have no idea how this conversation came up, but Dave turned it into something so silly that it became hilarious. Well, it did for us, anyway…


Jorge: So, I was talking to this girl once about a female hygiene problem.
Dave: Yeah?
J: You know, a problem that has something in common with an ingredient involved in baking bread.
D: Flour?
J: And an ingredient involved in making beer.
D: Rolling pins?
J: There you go.


Incidentally, the girl I was talking about was not my wife. Also please bear in mind that I don’t just talk to women about these kinds of things for no reason. I believe that a commercial aired around the time of that discussion involving a yeast infection treatment. It was quite funny, as the commercial addressed a man’s awkwardness in dealing with stuff like that. As a solution to this problem, the commercial had a small picture-in-picture window in the bottom righthand corner with a football game in progress, just for the guys.

Classic.



Rubber Johnny

Has anyone seen this film? It is insane. It is a bit creepy, but you have to stick with it to see the really strange part. Check it out. There is no way you can predict movies like this.



Cinco Magnifico

Last year on our trip, one of our friends would handle things in the fire with his bare hands. This earned him the nickname Gloves For Hands. This sparked a conversation about what the rest of us should be called…


Jorge: So, if you’re Gloves For Hands, what does that make me?
B: How about Big Sack?
J: Er….How did you get that?
B: Because you have a big sack?


(Incidentaly, he was referring to the obscenely large backpack I had bought for the trip. The capacity was 110L. It was crazy.)

And so, the Cinco Magnifico was born. A group of superheroes with strange powers. The best power, though, was Prehensile Penis Man (Dave, of course). How did we come up with that name? I don’t even remember.

To celebrate our newfound diversion, I created some t-shirts. During the design process, I was chatting with Dave about logo colours. Essentially, each guy would have a simple man symbol (like the one on washroom doors), with the appropriate part changed to match the power (The logo for Gloves For Hands for example, has red oven mitts superimposed onto the hands of the man symbol). You can imagine what would be superimposed onto the man symbol for the Prehensile Penis Man t-shirt…


Jorge: So I am almost finished with the t-shirts.
Dave: Sweet. Does they look good?
J: I think so. I just need to finish the logos.
D: Awesome.
J: So, what colour do you want your penis?
D: Man, the things you say out loud on the phone.
J: Seriously. I need a colour for each guy. Mine is blue, what do you want yours to be?
D: I don’t know. Purple?
J: Okay.
D: Wait a minute. I don’t know about that now…
J: Don’t worry, it’s just a symbol. Besides, it will be the standard run-of-the-mill purple, not an engorged, veiny purple.
D: That sounds so much better now.


Yep. That the way we usually hash out our ideas. Scary, huh?

Hai-Kuul – July 27, 2005

Crying Babies (Requested by little_lady_417)
It is amazing
How such a tiny creature
Can create distress


Crazy People (Requested by little_lady_417)
I see them around
And wonder if I’m crazy
It’s all relative


Nagging Boyfriend (Requested by little_lady_417)
I saw a guy once
Who constantly begged for sex
his girlfriend punched him


Bottled Water (Requested by little_lady_417)
The world’s greatest scam
Has folks believing bottles
Make something more pure


Easy Living (Requested by little_lady_417)
Inheriting cash
In copious amounts is
The best way to go


Sarcastic Women (Requested by little_lady_417)
A razor-edged tongue
Is a more deadly weapon
Than the incensed slap


Leave Me Alone (Requested by little_lady_417)
Please don’t call on me
I need my solitude now
I need to wind down


Mary Had a Little Lamb…Little Lamb…Little Lamb!!! (Requested by princess_castle)
Mary was hungry
She needed something to eat
Lambchops taste so good!


Sweetie (Requested by princess_castle)
Such a cute nickmane
Can reduce the toughest guy
To a flesh puddle


Brazil (Requested by princess_castle)
Terry Gilliam
Is an incredible man
Go watch this movie


Yes (Requested by princess_castle)
A positive word
That verifies acceptance
Of what you asked for


Ask Away (Requested by princess_castle)
I’m an open book
Feel free to ask what you want
And I will answer


U Do I Do = Voodoo (Requested by princess_castle)
Performing Voodoo
Involves something that I do
That gives you great pain


Mea Culpa (Requested by princess_castle)
I’m the one at fault
Please blame me for what happened
Do it in Latin


Once Upon a Time (Requested by Elbie14325)
These four little words
Open up a great portal
To wonderful tales





*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Hai-Kuul – July 26, 2005

I’m Sorry!! (Requested by princess_castle)
It seems I cut in
But I didn’t notice you
Standing in the line…


Pimples (Requested by princess_castle)
They are face ninjas
Raiding your face in the night
And leaving their mark


Nuclear Power! (Requested by princess_castle)
A controversy
Some folks trust and some folks don’t
Fission or fusion?


Power Wash (Requested by princess_castle)
Pigeons hate my car
And bomb it in the hot sun
Time to wash it off


No Matter What They Say (Requested by princess_castle)
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Your clothes are part of your style
And your style is great!


Gulab Jamun..Yummy Yummy!! (Requested by princess_castle)
Dessert from the east
Fried milk balls in sweet syrup
With cardamom seeds


Jorge Please Don’t Cry!! (Requested by princess_castle)
I am a softie
There’s nothing wrong with crying
Stupid Old Yeller


It’s Okay!! (Requested by princess_castle)
I dropped a raw egg
My heart fell as I checked it
But no damage done!


Cat With a Huge Head (Requested by ksgrrl)
Beware this odd cat
this feline gives new meaning
To the word headstrong


Down the Shore (Requested by ksgrrl)
Nothing beats a walk
Along the beautiful lake
Most tranquil at night


Tomato Plants In Brooklyn (Requested by ksgrrl)
These hearty veggies
Grow tough in their neighbourhood
Watch out: They’ll mug you!





*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Table of Content

From a Scale of One to Ten…

Humans are funny creatures. I think that human beings are the only species on earth that honestly believes that the planet owes them something. Now, I’m not speaking from a cloud on this issue. Once in a while I, too believe that the world owes me something. I’m not really sure why that is. You hear people all the time complaining about how they should have this and that. That they are due for some sort of compensation for deeds well done.

I find this terribly amusing.

I think that part of the problem is that everyone believes that they should be happy.

I suspect a few of you who are reading this are scratching your heads.
Happy? Of course we should all be happy! What the hell is Jorge talking about? I think he’s seriously disturbed.

Believe what you like, but I am wondering whether or not this is our biggest flaw.

Recently, I have had several conversations on this very subject with various people and have noticed that my chat partners spoke about not being happy. These people are all from different walks of life. They are of different races. They are both men and women (Smartypantses like Dave and Jamie can leave the hermaphrodite comments at home).

These folks are feeling down because they wish to be happier.

I suppose that there really is nothing wrong with trying to be happy. However, obsessing about attaining euphoric joy may be something of a let-down. If you keep chasing your dreams without looking where you are going, the likelihood of you running into a wall or off of a cliff are quite high, I’m afraid.

So what to do?

I wondered about this myself. I always tried to strive for happiness. This, I thought, was something worthwhile. However, the bad part about striving for happiness is that when your quest is interrupted, it can really be a downer. You see, when I am not happy, it is usually because of some stress or another. This type of state leaves me weaker, and I tend to get sick. Indeed, worrying myself sick was something I seemed to excel at. And so, I would end up not feeling well for longer than I should have (and I daresay I shouldn’t have been sick in the first place), and this would affect all of the activities that I enjoyed.

I thought about how other species deal with their everyday lives, and I had a little bit of an epiphany. I realized that pretty much every species out there does what it needs to for survival purposes. Indeed, a lot of animals seem to dwell in a state of either fear or contentment (I am severely understating things, of course, but the point is that they are not happy so much as they are content. Honestly, I don’t know how many animals out there consciously go out their way hoping that the sun will come up tomorrow).

Applying this contented frame of mind to people is a little difficult, as we are complicated beings with emotions and feelings and blah blah blah – Honestly, we make ourselves more complicated than we really are.

I think contentment is underrated.

Now, I’m not saying that it is wrong to be happy. I’m just saying that if we keep trying to be happy instead of letting it happen naturally, we will end up killing ourselves from the effort of what I believe to be impossible. Don’t believe what I’m saying? Try forcing a smile all day and see what happens to you…

To better understand my line of thought, let’s create a scale from one to ten, where one is misery and ten is bliss. Ambivalence would be around five, which would make contentment around seven or eight. Now that we have a scale, all we need are some volunteers.

Yes.

You, and…you, in the corner, yes…

Please come to the front.

Let’s examine our volunteers…


Our first volunteer, Jennifer, is an engineer. She loves the satisfaction of a job well done at work, and also enjoys all of the activities she engages in outside of work. She is active in soccer, and in the community, participating in various charity events, and helping out in her neighbourhood. She has a cat, and is also very seriously involved with her boyfriend Chet.

Our Second volunteer, Marcus, is a lawyer. He loves to win cases, and he loves to learn. He’s a great squash player, and is married to his high school sweetheart. While he doesn’t really have a lot of time for active participation in the community, he sponsors two sports teams through his home business (graphic design).

I suppose you were expecting two radically different cases? Not so. Well, not really radical. Let’s move on…

Jennifer is very laid back. While she does get upset once in a while, she doesn’t try to overdo it in the other direction in her search for happiness. While mildly disappointed when things don’t go her way, she doesn’t sit around and worry about it. Instead, she works hard to ensure that it doesn’t get worse, and in doing so achieves a certain level of satisfaction. She resides around the seven or eight mark on the scale we established earlier. With her averaging this score on the scale, she’s pretty level-headed about things, and realistic. There is mild optimism in her personality, too, as she doesn’t have too far to fall if something bad happens.

Marcus, on the other hand, is always trying to win. He’s all about making sure that he’s got a genuine smile on his face, but it comes with a heavy price. When something goes wrong, like a case going sour, his confident manner is usually shaken, and he becomes depressed. He feels like a failure because he can’t keep that level of happiness going. This tends to affect his work, and his home life. The normally happy Marcus tends to brood, and also likes to be alone. By trying to constantly achieve nine and ten on the scale we created, he becomes very vulnerable to falling far, even when he falls just a little.


Thanks, guys. You can go back to your seats.

You see, when Jennifer has a setback, and falls to a lower score, she doesn’t fall as far as Marcus, because her score wasn’t ridiculously high.

I believe that this is the problem with us humans. By constantly trying to achieve an impossible level of happiness, we set ourselves up to fall, and when we fall it feels like we fall so far, even when it is only a short distance…

So now, after all of this introspection, I sit at about a seven or eight. I think this is a great place to be. There is very little stress, and the things that used to bother me don’t really get on my nerves all that much. I don’t go looking for trouble, and at the same time, I don’t kill myself trying to find the holy grail. This is not to say that I don’t do things to make myself a better person.

On the contrary, I’ve been quite busy with my photography project, for example. It’s been an interesting experience, but I’m learning a lot. I don’t expect to be Ansel Adams or Diane Arbus, of course. However, when something good happens, I feel much better about it because I am not constantly waiting for something spectacular to happen while other opportunities might pass me by. And when something spectacular happens? Instant smile.

Does this mean that I just settle for whatever comes my way? Not necessarily. I still manage to have new ideas, and implement new plans. Considering I have a more stable base, this is much easier to do.

I also enjoy spending time with my family and friends.

Think about it. If I am on my own, and I am a seven or eight, imagine what happens when my wife walks into the room, or I’m having an animated conversation with Dave or Cat. The happiness rating usually goes up.

And since falling a little doesn’t feel so bad due to my relative position on the scale, and doesn’t happen so often anymore, the moments where the score rises occur more often, and are cherished for what they are – happy times.

The Handsome Canadian

The Handsome Man

There is a submarine sandwich shop nearby. I go there once in a while. Almost all the ladies behind the counter are flirty latinas. They are of varying age and not all of them are really my type, truth be told (not that I’m looking). However, they are notoriously friendly, and they always make me smile. Observe…

 

Jorge: Hi there, I’d like a grilled cheddar club, please.
Sandwich Girl: [Assembling Sub.] What would you like on it?
J: Tomatoes, lettuce, green peppers, mushrooms and a little mayo and mustard, please.
SG: [Looking coy.] You have a sexy accent.
J: Actually, I have a cold.
SG: You should never lose your cold. At least, I hope you don’t.
J: Er….Thanks?

 

I don’t go in there all the time. Partially because I can’t eat submarine sandwiches every day, but also partly because I am afraid of them devouring me or something. I think they are reverse vampires.

The best exchange that I had is from the other day. There are two gals involved behind the counter this time. One was older (probably in her late forties) and the other was younger (mid twenties). I think the younger one was the daughter of the older one. Either way…

 

Sandwich Lady: [Nudging the Sandwich Girl as I walk in.] Oh look! Here comes…the handsome man*.
Jorge: [Blushing early in the exchange already.] Hi ladies.
SL: [Grinning.] What can I get for…the handsome man?
J: I’ll have a pizza sub, please.
SL: [Industriously working away at making my lunch, singing.] I am making a sandwich for…the handsome man
Sandwich Girl: What are you doing? [Looking at SL incredulously.]
SL: I am serving this…handsome man here [Winks at me.].
SG: Do you think you should be talking like that? [Looking apologetically at me.]
SL: Of course! He’s a…handsome man. Are you disagreeing with me?
SG: Well…[Looking embarassed.]…No…
SL: See?
[At this point, the man standing in line behind me decided to chime in.]
Man In Line: What about me, am I a handsome man too?
SL: [Turns to man, and her smile flies off her face to be replaced by a stern frown.] No.

I had to stifle a laugh. Tears formed and I hurriedly wiped them away. I felt horrible for that guy, but at the same time it was hilarious.

While I don’t think I’m hideous, I don’t think I am anywhere close to making it onto the Friday list on Kill the Goat by any stretch of the imagination.

Still, it’s nice to be flattered, even by crazy people.

Canadian Tired

I was at Canadian Tire yesterday, and a mother and her two daughters were shopping for camping supplies. One girl was sitting in the cart in the child prison, while the other was walking around looking at everything. This kid had what I refer to as the chaos touch. She would walk by displays and things would fall of their own accord without her touching anything.

I sometimes marvel at the logic that parents use when dealing with their children. Check out this dialogue between the two of them…

 

Daughter: [Running up to her mother, holding a campfire sandwich griller.] Mom! Check this out, isn’t it cool?
Mother: What is it?
D: Well, it’s a thing you can use to make grilled sandwiches and pancakes. Wouldn’t that be cool, mom?
M: But we bought a stove. We can just make pancakes on the stove.
D: But wouldn’t it be cool to make pancakes on the fire?
M: Well that’s nice, honey, but pancakes taste better on the stove.
D: Can we at least show dad? He might like it!
M: I don’t think so. I think he likes the stove better.
D: [To her credit, she wasn’t whining, she was just persistent.] Don’t you think we need this in case the stove doesn’t work?
M: The stove is new it will work. Just go put it back.
D: Okay, mom. I still think it would’ve been cool.
[I was impressed at the mother in how she dealt with the situation. Well, I was until…]
M: Now this is something cool [Pointing at a display.].
D: What is it?
M: A lantern. But it’s remote controlled.
D: Wow. Do we really need that?
M: Oh yes. I think we could definitely use that…

 

Now, the campfire griller was about ten dollars or something cheap like that. The remote control lantern? A mere eighty dollars, for a completely impractical device no less (in my mind, anyway). I would have relented eventually for the griller, if only to keep my kids busy (supervised, of course, even though it is quite safe).

But to buy a remote control lantern…

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but what the hell good is it?

 

* – To fully appreciate this story you have to pronouce this the same way that the Sandwich Lady did. She would pause slightly just before she would say “handsome man”, and the way she would pronounce it was “hend-a-sum man-a” (The last “a” was not a full “a” but rather, a very small one. Sort of like emphasizing the “n” when you say “the letter n”).

Hai-Kuul – July 25, 2005

French Films (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Movies about love
Set in obscure cityscapes
Always unresolved


Allergies Snallergies (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Dandelions, eh?
Those weeds don’t bother me any
Antihistamines!


Gezondheid (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
She meant gesundheit
Spelling foreign words is tough
I’d just say bless you


Rosy Skin (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Your skin has turned pink
Compliments tend to do that
But you deserve them


Thank You Sunshine (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
You make me feel good
The way you warm up my heart
From beyond the Earth


Gentle Clarity (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
To remind gently
Is like a careful nudging
To hit your point home


Oomph (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
That was quite a bump
Can’t feel my teeth anymore
This car needs new shocks


Upside Yo Head (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
You’re on my bad side
When you say those kinds of things
Watch out for my fist


Every Day it Makes Me Cry (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
The poor dog next door
Appears to be neglected
I’d take care of him


My Computer (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Clicking merrily
It’s just a matter of time
Before something dies




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

If Another Tree Falls In the Forest…

If Jesus Blogged No One Would Ever Know

In the face of comments posted from zealots (who don’t listen to my requests to stop posting crap on my blog), a peculiar thought entered my head…


Picture the second coming of Christ. Jesus sits at his computer wearing jeans and a nice long-sleeved collared shirt and some Tevas, and he’s typing away on his self-coded blog (Self coded? It’s Jesus for God’s sake! He can do anything!). He finishes a thoughtful and insightful article on the latest political happenings and then retires to his study to read some books by Deepak Chopra…


I wonder how many people would read that article written by Jesus and just scan over it to move onto the next blog? Would anyone even guess it’s Him, or would they even care?

I doubt that anyone would really pick up on Jesus blogging. Heck, I doubt that any of the religious heavy-hitters would really get noticed, for that matter. Mohammed and Brahma would probably be as frustrated as Jesus with the lack of real response to what they are writing. It’s because they would get eclipsed by people’s faith.

People’s faith, you ask?

Let me break it down for you…

I have respect for people’s beliefs. I think that it’s wonderful when people stand up for what they believe in. Religious faith is part of that. While I may not believe in what others do, it doesn’t mean I can’t repsect their point of view.

Now on the other hand, some people really take their faith far too seriously. I’m not referring to conviction here, either. I’m talking about how they show people how faithful they are. They go over the top.

Blogging has made it very easy to do this. People express their faith with bells and whistles, and go around to others’ blogs and leave lengthy messages about how to live your life. They have ten million emoticons and pictures on their blogs of all things glitzy to emphasize how much they believe in what they believe in. It’s like Las Vegas, in a convenient, easy-to-read format.

This kind of thing doesn’t impress me. I believe that this doesn’t really impress a lot of people.

In fact, it probably turns a lot of people off of believing in anything, because it has too much flash and not enough thought.

And so what would one more person be expressing their views about religion, even if it was Jesus or Mohammed or Brahma? Probably nothing to a lot of people. Just another slob, like one of us (borrowing from Joan Osbourne a little), posting what we believe to be nothing of consequence.

It’s a shame, really. No matter what you believe, you can always learn something new from a well-expressed opinion.