Barking Space

Adventures In DC (Updated April 26, 2006)

I think it would be impossible for me to recount all of the events that contributed to the high level of fun this past weekend in the Nation's Capital*.

That being said, I will still do my best to recount the insanity in an easy-to-read format over the next little while, adding to this post when time arises.

For more fun, go here, here and here.

 

The Roomies

Mama has two roomies. They are both four-legged and hairy.

Cricket and Bug have the run of the place. They own every square inch, and enforce their rule by leaving hair behind when they wish.

Cricket is definitely the more friendly one.

Bug, on the other hand, is not so much camera shy as he his murderous toward anything that would obscure your head. He was a hissy little guy.

Cricket was far more laid back…

 

What, me worry? Click…

 

Brilly

As I has stated in my previous post, Brilly is a taller and sassier version of Kris. By sassier I mean vulgar. She was definitely one of the highlights of our weekend.

Kris and Brilly are like a comedy duo. Sort of like Dave and I, but actually funny.

Here are some one liners that we were treated to from Kris' best friend…

• " Check out mah hey hey." (This was said multiple times at random intervals)
• " I think I threw up in my mouth a little. "
• " Sorry Pooh Bear. I didn't really mean to shove my finger up your ass. "
• " It shouldn't be called Canada. It should be called Canadia. There are not enough vowels in your country's name. "
• " That makes me want to throw up in someone else's mouth a little. "

Brilly is quite the character.

She left to pick up some cigs and then didn't come back for two hours, as she ended up in a cellphone conversation.

She also left to go home at one point in no shoes.

The best thing she did, though, was drop the C-bomb** in front of Mama and Mrs. Jorge. They both winced, as they hate the word, and then proceeded to tell Brilly they hated that word.

Brilly looked at each of them, and then started saying it multiple times.

There was much screaming. I, though, was laughing my ass off.

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!

I had promised Mama that I would make breakfast for all of us on the Saturday morning.

Flash back to the day before we arrived, when this conversation took place…

Jorge: Hey Kris, do you have a corner store near you?
Mama: Hey Boo Boo. Yeah, I do, but is there anything you need me to get for you on my way home? It might just be easier for me to do it.
Jorge: Well, I need bread, milk, butter and maple syrup. I'll make some nice french toast.

Back to the Saturday morning. We all woke up and I was given a cooking uniform to wear, and then we got started.

Kris started presenting the ingredients…

• Milk? Check.
• Bread? Wonderbread. Check.
• Maple syrup? Aunt Jemima's Lite Table Syrup. Check.
• Butter? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter***… Err…Check?

I've never really worked with the last product before. However, as Mama has an addiction to things synthetic, I went with the flow.

I turned the element on high and put the frying pan on it. Usually, when I make french toast at home, I burn the butter a little. This causes it to become slighlty sweet and infuse the egg-dipped bread with a great flavour.

However, ICBINB doesn't seem to obey the laws of reality. It melted (slowly) and coated the bottom of the pan, but it didn't burn. It didn't even bubble.

I shrugged my shoulders and placed a slice of egg-dipped bread on the frying pan and heard the telltale sizzle of cooking. I left it for a little while.

When I went to flip it with the spatula, I found that it was stuck. Not only that, but when I finally freed the bread, the ICBINB coating actually came up with it like a layer of skin. It was very disturbing.

I found some canola oil spray and promptly used that to cook the rest of the meal, which turned out pretty good.

Can you smell what the Rebo is Cooking? Click…

On a side note, I have decided to use ICBINB as sunblock this summer. It was left on the counter for several hours in the warm kitchen and didn't even begin to melt. Definitely food for astronauts…

 

Nobody's Business

We ate at a neat little Italian place called Baci Viti on Saturday night where we met up with Kim and Heather.

It was great to meet them. Thus far, I have had the privilege of making many new wonderful friends from blogland.

We chatted about the day's events, with Mama and Mrs. J bringing up the C-bombs dropped by Brilly that morning.

Kim laughed, but Heather possibly had the greatest quote of the weekend…

The C word? I use that word like it's my job!

Priceless…

 

First Impressions

When Mama came up to Canada, I did a few Family Guy impressions for her. One of her favourites was Cleveland.

Of course, since I was there, she wanted me to do impressions for her friends.

It started with Brilly, who ended up creating the Cleveland-On-Demand service which involved her looking at me and saying…

Do it. Do it now. Say something with Loretta in it!

When we went out to a bar namced Kokopooli's after eating a scrumptious meal at Baci Viti, I got to meet their friend D-Luv. He is awesome and had some impressions under his belt as well (him being an aspiring actor and all).

Brilly looked over at me and made the eyes for me to do some more impressions for their friend.

Mrs. Jorge shook her head and sighed, electing to use this opportunity to go to the bar to get some wine (as she doens't particularly care for the Family Guy).

Being put on the spot, I started laughing at the hilarity of the situation. This did not please the Brill very much…

Brilly: Come on. Do it. Do the Loretta thing.
Jorge: Hold on, let me stop laughing.
Brilly: Do it.
D-Luv: I want to hear this.
Brilly: C'mon Jorge. Do it!
Jorge: Waitaminute. I have to think of something.
Brilly: [At the top of her lungs] DANCE PUPPET, DANCE!

Nothing is more inspirational than a slave-drivin' woman. 🙂

I swear to God that at that moment, everything in the bar stopped, and everyone looked at our corner.

After the pause, I proceeded to Clevelandize their asses.

You heard me.

Clevelandize.

 

The Last Supper

Well, it was really the last brunch. We all went out to the Cheesecake Factory (sans D-Luv) for some farewell dinings.

I had a great conversation with Brilly**** about politics and such while everyone else chatted away.

The funniest thing for me was at the end when the take-out bags arrived with the leftovers inside. Brilly kept shoving her face inside the bag to smell the mashed 'taters with gravy. It inspired me to suggest something…

Jorge: Brilly, you should just empty the food into the bag and hook the handles over your ears. Then you will be like a horse and you won't need utensils.
Brilly: Really?
[She sticks her head in the plastic bag and loops the handles over her ears. She shakes her head around as Jorge makes horse noises. Everyone laughs. Eventually she resurfaces.]
Jorge: Just like a feedbag.
Brilly: Nice. That reminds me of this time I was wearing an apron, and I put it over this other guys head and tied it off, like a feedbag.
[This is met with puzzled looks from everyone.]
Brilly: No no no! I took it off first and then tied it around his head. I didn't just shove his face in my gunch!***** [Points at her crotch]

Oh, Brilly.

You are the funniest.

 

Feeling Welcome

One last thing that I'd like to mention.

Every so often, throughout the weekend, Kris would look at us and say…

You guys, I'm so glad you're here!

And we knew that every time she said it, she meant it.

We were glad, too.

 

 

* – Or is that Capitol? Damn the cross-border English conversions!
** – If you don't know what this is, then you've never offended anyone in your life.
*** – ICBINB for further reference.
**** – Yes, she can be quite serious thank you very much. She's very intelligent.
***** – Best new word…EVER

Filed under: Spaces Archive, Special Events | 12 Comments »

Look At the Size of That Shlong!

That's right. I'm in the US of Eh. That is, Washington DC*.

I am stealthily typing on Mama's laptop as she dozes noisily in the living room under the influence of our Canadian Chloroform**.

Mrs. J and I spent most of yesterday checking the sites out on what's known as the National Mall***. We hauled our luggage around for most of the day (which has earned me a week in the doghouse based on how much our dogs were hurting after that hellish walk) before meeting up with Miss Kris at her swingin' pad at night.

Things I Learned About DC

Here is a short list of things that I learned about DC that I have put into list form for easy reading…

• Tourists are obnoxious no matter what country you are in, although in the USA many of the groups tend to wear matching clothes and congregate like a big West Side Story brouhaha about to commence
• There are more flags around the base of the Washington Monument than there are in the rest of the world
• Walking up Capitol Hill must be a lot nicer without hauling your luggage around on your back
• DC is quite pretty in the springtime
• Don't go into any building around the Hill for a meal unless you don't mind being cavity searched before entering the food courts
• Capitol Hill is the safest place on earth because every other person is a police officer

I could go on, but I'll most likley be detained for giving away too many secrets.

"Welcome to My Parlour…"

Miss Kris called me on my cell to let me know that she was home early (which worked out well due to the fact that we were scant blocks away from her place at that exact moment anyway) and so she let us in, looking shnazzy and holding a bowl of dip (which is always a welcome site). I call her Lady Liberty, as she greeted us with a hug and a..

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free…from your luggage…****

We sat down on her couch with her cats' permission and she proceeded to feed us and be all entertaining-like. It was great.

We felt like we were in our second home.

Later On…

We were introduced to her best friend (who is a lot like her but taller and sassier if you can believe it) and were going to go out for Thai food.

Unfotunately for our plans, the cab company that Kris called was the suck, thus preventing us from going out to where we needed to go.

Fortunately for us, though, the pizza place delivered, and so we got drunk and had ourselves a grand old time.

The End?

I should probably go. The hamster powering this machine I am typing on is starting to get tired, and Miss Kris is beginning to stir.

We're going out from some dins in a while, and then heading to a bar to not drink at all.

Yeah, right.

From behind enemy lines,
Jorge

* – Did you know they have the internet down here? And computers? It's amazing!!!
** – Also known as Canadian Beer.
*** – Which is nothing at all like a mall with stores. Rather, it's a mall with a lot of fanny-packin' tourists.
**** – I made that up.

Filed under: Spaces Archive, Special Events | 7 Comments »