Roughing Up What I Learned About Movies

Roughing It

Well, not quite.

This past weekend was spent up in Awenda with the K-Rot crowd. Not all of them, of course, just a few. Two of us went up on Friday night and set up in some spitting rain (which is preferable to what they got further north). Two more arrived early Saturday morning (that would be 02:30), and the rest arrived on Saturday evening.

It was nice to get away from the city. The air always smells great up there. There is still pollution, mind you, but not quite as much as down in Toronto, so the breathing is easier.

One interesting thing about camping is that it tends to bring out the best or the worst in people (much like weddings, funerals, or exclusive concert ticket sales). This weekend, it definitely brought out the best.

We spent so much time laughing that my abs hurt on Monday. Here are some of the funny moments extracted for your enjoyment…

[Jorge and his friend are trying to get a bigger fire going. Jorge, in his infinite wisdom and disregard for physics started the fire on a large piece of watermelon rind. It didn’t go so well.]
GUY:
[Redistributing wood.] Maybe we can fix your mistake here.
JORGE:
[Adding some more kindling.] Shut it!
GUY:
[Starts to fan fire vigourously with plate. The flames start rising.] See?
JORGE:
[Unconvinced. Every time his friend stops fanning, the flames die down quite significantly.] Do you want me to blow instead?
GUY:
[Reaching for his own fly.] Sure, but I don’t know how that will help.
[Cackles of insanity ensue while everyone else looks on, puzzled.]


[There was some ill timing with some of the women and their cycles. Someone had to make an emergency run to the store to pick up some feminine hygiene products. Since his car was the only one parked on the site, Jorge offers to go.]
JORGE:
I’ll go grab some pads for you.
GIRL:
Are you sure?
JORGE:
Yeah, it’s no big deal. I’ll probably be about five or ten minutes.
GIRL:
Thanks so much! I use Always brand.
JORGE:
Ok. What kind do you want me to get?
GUY:
What do you mean what kind does she want you to get?
JORGE:
They have different kinds for different situations.
GUY:
Different kinds, eh?
JORGE:
Yes.
GUY:
Bring back vanilla then.
[Cackles of insanity ensue once more, echoing loudly through the park.]



What I Learned At Camp

  • Trying to burn watermelon rinds takes an awfully long time
  • Trying to start a fire on a watermelon rind is not a good idea
  • Not practicing playing the guitar and singing songs makes for really idiotic campfire sing-alongs
  • Women can snore just as loudly as guys
  • No matter how cool you think someone is, they look hilarious curled up in a lime green plaid sleeping bag
  • Eating too much watermelon pretty much guarantees that you will not sleep the whole night through without getting up to pee at least seventy times



Movies That Should Be Made

In the spirit of all of these video games being made into movies (Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat, etc.), I thought I would make my own suggestions for some movies that I think should be made out of various games. Check out some of these titles…


Tetris: The Movie
Young Dimitri Petrovich is a worker in a small grocery store with an uncanny knack for stocking shelves. One day an army general sees this ability and becomes obsessed with a way to harness this boy’s abilities. He comes up with an elaborate plan to create a fake contest so that the boy will eventually end up working for the military, figuring out the most efficient formations to decimate enemies in ground warfare. Hilarity ensues.


Minesweeper: The Hidden Enemy
Sarah-Jane Poseramo is a mother of seventeen with an amazing gift. She can detect mines subconsciously and avoid them. Scientists want to ask her to use her abilities to help clean up some of the minefields around the world, but she refuses, claiming that science is against her religion. The scientists kidnap her son and place him in the middle of one of the world’s deadliest minefields, telling her that she has to save them. Will she be able to get to him in time? One would think so. But there is a catch. The mines were placed in the ground by Dimitri Petrovich! Who will win? You have to watch to find out!


Freecell: The Rise and Fall of New New York
Idiot savant Bill McBilly lost both his elbows in a bizarre trolley accident in San Francisco. He enters a speed solitaire competition where the prize is enough money for him to pay for the operation to get new elbows. What he doesn’t know is that aliens are running the show, and whoever loses gets anally probed with the coldest monitoring decides the aliens have stored in their freezer. Will Billy’s uncanny ability to always come out on top save his ass from the alien threat?


These riveting titles will do really well at the box office in my opinion. With the right directors and producers, we would have oscar material here…

Suffice to say the John Williams will be composing the music for all three, and the scores will sound like you’ve heard them before. In fact, all three of them will be the same melody, just played in a different scale.

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Hai-Kuul – June 21, 2005

Hero (Requested by SnakeEater1975)
One who has courage
Against incredible odds
And is still humble


Epics (Requested by SnakeEater1975)
More than just mere tales
These stories shape our culture
And become legends


Mango (Requested by SchmitGit)
Sweetest of all fruits
With a tasty, stringy pulp
Like love in fruit form


Miracle (Requested by SchmitGit)
Unexpected act
Leaving me struck dumb with awe
One of the best gifts


Wabbit (Requested by SchmitGit)
Elmer Fudd persists
One day he will get his prize
Until then he sucks


Juicy Tubes (Requested by SchmitGit)
An odd creation
Tubes filled with fruity juices
I shall call them: Straws


Towel (Requested by SchmitGit)
Water is absorbed
The cotton does it’s work well
You are wet no more




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.