Roughing Up What I Learned About Movies

Roughing It

Well, not quite.

This past weekend was spent up in Awenda with the K-Rot crowd. Not all of them, of course, just a few. Two of us went up on Friday night and set up in some spitting rain (which is preferable to what they got further north). Two more arrived early Saturday morning (that would be 02:30), and the rest arrived on Saturday evening.

It was nice to get away from the city. The air always smells great up there. There is still pollution, mind you, but not quite as much as down in Toronto, so the breathing is easier.

One interesting thing about camping is that it tends to bring out the best or the worst in people (much like weddings, funerals, or exclusive concert ticket sales). This weekend, it definitely brought out the best.

We spent so much time laughing that my abs hurt on Monday. Here are some of the funny moments extracted for your enjoyment…

[Jorge and his friend are trying to get a bigger fire going. Jorge, in his infinite wisdom and disregard for physics started the fire on a large piece of watermelon rind. It didn’t go so well.]
[Redistributing wood.] Maybe we can fix your mistake here.
[Adding some more kindling.] Shut it!
[Starts to fan fire vigourously with plate. The flames start rising.] See?
[Unconvinced. Every time his friend stops fanning, the flames die down quite significantly.] Do you want me to blow instead?
[Reaching for his own fly.] Sure, but I don’t know how that will help.
[Cackles of insanity ensue while everyone else looks on, puzzled.]

[There was some ill timing with some of the women and their cycles. Someone had to make an emergency run to the store to pick up some feminine hygiene products. Since his car was the only one parked on the site, Jorge offers to go.]
I’ll go grab some pads for you.
Are you sure?
Yeah, it’s no big deal. I’ll probably be about five or ten minutes.
Thanks so much! I use Always brand.
Ok. What kind do you want me to get?
What do you mean what kind does she want you to get?
They have different kinds for different situations.
Different kinds, eh?
Bring back vanilla then.
[Cackles of insanity ensue once more, echoing loudly through the park.]

What I Learned At Camp

  • Trying to burn watermelon rinds takes an awfully long time
  • Trying to start a fire on a watermelon rind is not a good idea
  • Not practicing playing the guitar and singing songs makes for really idiotic campfire sing-alongs
  • Women can snore just as loudly as guys
  • No matter how cool you think someone is, they look hilarious curled up in a lime green plaid sleeping bag
  • Eating too much watermelon pretty much guarantees that you will not sleep the whole night through without getting up to pee at least seventy times

Movies That Should Be Made

In the spirit of all of these video games being made into movies (Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat, etc.), I thought I would make my own suggestions for some movies that I think should be made out of various games. Check out some of these titles…

Tetris: The Movie
Young Dimitri Petrovich is a worker in a small grocery store with an uncanny knack for stocking shelves. One day an army general sees this ability and becomes obsessed with a way to harness this boy’s abilities. He comes up with an elaborate plan to create a fake contest so that the boy will eventually end up working for the military, figuring out the most efficient formations to decimate enemies in ground warfare. Hilarity ensues.

Minesweeper: The Hidden Enemy
Sarah-Jane Poseramo is a mother of seventeen with an amazing gift. She can detect mines subconsciously and avoid them. Scientists want to ask her to use her abilities to help clean up some of the minefields around the world, but she refuses, claiming that science is against her religion. The scientists kidnap her son and place him in the middle of one of the world’s deadliest minefields, telling her that she has to save them. Will she be able to get to him in time? One would think so. But there is a catch. The mines were placed in the ground by Dimitri Petrovich! Who will win? You have to watch to find out!

Freecell: The Rise and Fall of New New York
Idiot savant Bill McBilly lost both his elbows in a bizarre trolley accident in San Francisco. He enters a speed solitaire competition where the prize is enough money for him to pay for the operation to get new elbows. What he doesn’t know is that aliens are running the show, and whoever loses gets anally probed with the coldest monitoring decides the aliens have stored in their freezer. Will Billy’s uncanny ability to always come out on top save his ass from the alien threat?

These riveting titles will do really well at the box office in my opinion. With the right directors and producers, we would have oscar material here…

Suffice to say the John Williams will be composing the music for all three, and the scores will sound like you’ve heard them before. In fact, all three of them will be the same melody, just played in a different scale.

13 Responses

  1. LMAO!

    Love the lessons from camp! 🙂

  2. Sounds like a great time camping! How was Awenda? I’m heading to Algonquin in a few weeks, can’t wait to finally get some fresh air!

    Oh, and pumpkins don’t burn that well either, just in case you were planning on trying later on in the year…

  3. i’m sorry, but you lost me at the part where you, a male, volunteered to purchase a woman’s feminine hygiene products. is it because you’re canadian?

    i actually squinted at that part and read it again.


  4. The ideas for the movies were too funny. Is it weird that I really liked Mortal Kombat, the movie?

  5. Sarah-Jane should have big boobs and obscenely long legs. That’s a major plot point right there, my friend.

    Sounds like a good camping trip, but for future reference: fruit doesn’t burn well, too much water. A great burn comes from dill pickle chips.

  6. Great lessons!!

    Happy Tuesday!!


  7. Delightful lessons ..Hurray to camping !
    Have a happy Tuesday Jorge

  8. Wow, my camping experiences are never like that. I never knew you were such a renaissance man, especially with the feminine hygene issues. What was that Kids in The Hall skit, the one where Dave Foley bursts out into “I’m a man with a healthy attitude about menstruation”. Too funny.
    Cheers and welcome back to your smog bubble.

  9. Ach! Mein Gott! my technical inadequacies are kicking mein arse. you asked about my technorati stuff… i’ve never even heard of ghost in my shell (??), and i have no idea why my logo is the laughing man (??). see, one day i was visiting your space and i noticed the little box called “technorati” and i thought (say in a stupid high-pitched voice) “oooo, what’s that?” so i read yours and then thought i’d just march right back over to mine and experiment with it. what does this do technorati…ping…blah de blah. and somehow i think i built a profile (i must have, if you read it) but i have never been able to get back into it. and i still don’t actually know what it does.

    so, what else does it say? that i am 83 and an asian man living in philadelphia?


  10. sounds like a fun weekend, vanilla pads would pretty much eliminate that not so fresh feeling 😛

  11. Hey Jorge

    Reena would like your email so that she can let you access her blog. Cool?

  12. I can’t believe you tried to start a fire on a watermellon rind. It’s so nice of you to go get pads for that woman… A lot of guys never, ever do that. Your friend saying get vanilla is proof of that. If they had vanilla scented pads… I’d stick them all over the house. lol

  13. ooo! Took me a few days to find it, so this comment might be lost, but have you seen this site?

    It is full of legit query letters proposing really really bad movies. Sooooo funny. Soooo worth reading.

    And good for you for volunteering on the feminine products. I have a really great friend who still won’t go near the female products aisle in the store even though he is three years married now.

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