Fig-tionary – May 31, 2005

panicdote (Jorge came up with this while writing a story about an event from his childhood)

  1. Function: noun – a usually short narrative of an interesting, amusing, or biographical incident that scared the pants off the person relating the story – Usage: If you ever heard Jorge’s panicdote of the time he lost the hair on his arm, you would never go near a barbecue again.




*Remember, you can submit a request for a crazy definition for a typo by clicking here. You can read about the Fig-tionary here.

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Short and Stupid Tales

Childhood Tales

Patresa has started a little collection of stories told by bloggers about their childhoods. It’s pretty funny what people are willing to share, and qutie amusing to read. Go and check it out! If you have a blog you should participate.

I like some of these ideas, because you get to see people’s various styles of writing. So, without further ado…



When We Were Short and Stupid

I had recently come of age to be able to baby-sit my brothers. My parents had gone out for the evening and would be back later on that same night. They left me in charge, and I was feeling pretty important.

The evening was fun. I have two brothers, and we are close enough in age to enjoy a lot of the same things. I don’t remember exactly what we did, but it probably would have involved watching some TV, playing some video games, and probably something related to Star Wars.

Soon the time came to put the two younger guys to bed.

The thing that sucks about babysitting your own siblings is that they don’t look at you as an authority figure*. They look at you as their brother (who you’ve just been playing games and watching TV with).

One brother was ready to hit the sack but the other was being more resistant. He goofed around, and refused to do what I asked. I was getting annoyed, as I knew I would get in trouble if my parents found him awake. I was running out of options.

So, I picked up a chair (one of the older heavy office-type chairs) and raised my voice. What I said next sealed my fate…


If you don’t go to bed I swear I’ll throw this at you, and you’ll be sorry.


He paused for a second, calming down and wondering if I was telling the truth. I wouldn’t have thrown it if I wanted to. I’m just not that kind of guy. However, I needed to be more convincing, so I took a menacing step towards him, and he shrank back a little.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t see the toy car on the floor in front of me. I slipped and ended up lurching forward and then back, inadvertently hurling the chair. My brother screamed. The chair didn’t really go near him, but bounced off of one of the beds, and then over the gap to the other, and then into the wall, leaving a sizeable hole.

We all went silent.

And then everyone started crying (I was teary-eyed at the prospect of fatherly rage).

Needless to say they agreed to go to bed, fearful that I would start throwing larger objects at them (I doubt they knew it was an accident at the time). I ran to the garage and got the Poly-Fix and did a really poor job of patching up the wall, while my brothers lay in bed under the covers, drying their eyes on their pajama sleeves.

My parents came home, and I tried to hide the damage, but realized that it would eventually be found out, so I confessed. My parents were pretty angry at all of us. They were mad at my brothers for not listening, and were mad at me for throwing objects around the house (they didn’t believe it was a freak accident).

In the end, though, there was no real punishment.

Fear was quite enough, thank you very much…




* – I’ve discovered that this also holds true if you are the official photographer at a wedding involving a family member. No one listens to you.

Hai-Kuul – May 31, 2005

Shoot the Moon (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Quite a strange card game
Where the object of it is
To score the lowest


Breathless (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
When did I fall in?
Thrashing about, I cannot
Breathe underwater


Do Not Disturb (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I am very tired
And so I shall place a sign
on my door and nap


Even though Dave didn’t really ask for this one, he thought about asking for it. I included it. Remember – Multiple requests in the same comment (or in a row) only count as one entry.


Free Blog Swag (Requested by Dave)
People enjoy games
Even more than this, people
Like to get free stuff


This one required two haiku. If you don’t recognize what movie this quote came from, then you should be very disappointed in yourself.


Kids Are a Pain In the Ass, Wife’s On the Sauce — Poor Bastard, He’s Better Off Dead (Requested by Dave)
Pete “Deadmeat” Thompson
Died in an unfortunate
Series of Events


Kids Are a Pain In the Ass, Wife’s On the Sauce — Poor Bastard, He’s Better Off Dead (Requested by Dave)
Admiral Benson
I went to school with that man
His pants look funny


House In the Middle of the Freeway (Requested by patresa74)
Not ordinary
Whoever requested this
Must like Stephen Wright


Weird Extra Driveway (Requested by patresa74)
What is this thing for?
Who knows? Come winter, it’s just
Something to shovel


My Family is Psychotic (Requested by The Shellie)
I sometimes wonder
Why my family is strange
My DNA screams


Figure Skating At the Olympics (Requested by TeresaDawn-Armetiel)
So many eyes watch
As I’m spinning on the ice
Gold is in my heart


For those of you who are stats-obsessed, here are the Top Five Hai-Kuul requestors…

  1. Drea – 42
  2. TheresaWarriorPrincess – 40
  3. Princess Castle – 17
  4. St-Martini-of-the-Vodka – 14
  5. Dave – 12




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Contest!

Hai-Kuultest – Part Three

The 250th haiku is fast approaching. It is time for another contest to celebrate the milestone.

The contest will be similar to the last one. Check out the rules below…


Starting today, at 13:00 EST, I will be taking requests for Hai-Kuul. The 25th request wins. The rules are as follows…

  • The request must be made in the Hai-Kuul post on the sidebar as a comment. Any other Hai-Kuul request will not be counted as an entry, but I will create a Haiku for it regardless.
  • You cannot submit more than one request at a time. Thus five requests in the same comment only count as one entry.
  • You cannot submit more than one comment in a row at a time. Thus, if you were to submit two comments in a row, it would only count as one entry.
  • The Request must be original. No duplicates (which means you have to read the other ones). Duplicate requests will be deleted.
  • The winner of the last contest cannot win this time. However, that person may contribute suggestions, and their entries will count towards the 25 entries. Should this person submit the 25th entry, the 26th will be the winner.
  • No members of my family are eligible for this. Any request from my family will be ignored (I will still write a haiku for the request though).
  • To receive the prize (there is only one), you must be able to provide me with a mailing address.


The 250th Haiku may or may not occur due to this contest. If it does, it is a happy coincidence.

The prize for the 25th requestor will be an 8×10 glossy limited print (1/20) of a Morning Sky in Algonquin Park (on 8.5×11 Canon Professional Photo Paper)…



Good luck!

UPDATE (June 06, 2005): This contest is now closed.

Hai-Kuul – May 30, 2005

Spit Up On My Shoulder (Requested by Hezmann)
What did I just feel?
Baby’s head is next to mine
Did I pat too hard?


Bra Strap is Showing (Requested by Hezmann)
People are staring
I cannot figure out why
Something in my teeth?


Pants On Backwards (Requested by Hezmann)
Things just don’t feel right
When seated I feel an urge
To flip right over


Dry Cereal (Requested by Hezmann)
Crunchy corn and rice
Flakes of goodness in my bowl
I’d rather have beef


LCBO is Closed (Requested by Hezmann)
Inhumanity!
How now shall I get my fix
For my precious booze?


Split My Pants (Requested by Hezmann)
I crouched down to see
Something I saw on the road
Underpants saw light


Lost My Balance (Requested by Hezmann)
I took a tumble
As I walked across a stream
In my moccasins




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Trip To Old Madness

Trip To Old Québec

My wife and I decided to get away for the weekend, so we went to Old Québec City. It’s like someone took a piece of Europe and transported it to North America. The flight and taxi ride there were uneventful. Our luggage beat us to Québec by an hour, but no harm done.

We stayed at Chateau de Léry, which is simply an old house that has been converted into a hotel. It’s nice enough, but none of their seemingly new windows had any seals installed, so the wind that persisted all weekend made them rattle. I took it upon myself to fold up some tourist pamphlets and jam them in the windows to stop the noise (a la MacGyver). That did the trick.

Too bad I only figured out that trick on the 3rd night.

The hotel was non-smoking (although someone decided to break that rule upstairs on our second day there). Our actual room looks like it was an old living room at some point. They built a small bathroom steps away from the fireplace with a frosted window. Within this small room, the toilet was right next to the wall, and the bathtub was quite small. The sink was actually in the main room, situated behind the entryway. Very odd setup.

The staff was also hit and miss. Some of the people were very helpful, while the others seemed kind of lost. For the price, I guess it’s tough to expect a lot. Truthfully, I didn’t find it all that bad, but I doubt I would be staying there again. I’d like to try somewhere different next time.

We ate at l’Omelétte (a nice little breakfast place), Gambrenus (An awesome place. Dressy. They had a guy walking around with a guitar singing songs, and the staff and food were amazing), and a couple of other small places.

It was fun just walking around and taking photos, watching people lean into the wind, and just relaxing.

I definitely want to go back someday – when it’s warm.

All in all, a great way to spend a birthday weekend.



Haiku Madness

Man, you guys are insatiable! This Hai-Kuul feature is going strong.

I have to admit that I wasn’t sure how well this feature would actually catch on. Truth be told, there have been so many requests I’ve been having a tough time updating my blog with stories. However, that fact is offset by the amount of fun I am having with the challenges that people are throwing my way.

We just recently passed the 200 mark. Keep them coming. I’ll be holding another contest soon for another print, so keep your eyes peeled. The 250 milestone is fast approaching!

Hai-Kuul – May 27, 2005

Red-Light District (Requested by WizenedDragonPK)
Do you feel frisky?
Take a walk on the wild side
Check out the windows


Cannes (Requested by WizenedDragonPK)
A film festival
Where people say good things if
They think they have to


Azure Ocean (Requested by WizenedDragonPK)
Some say ‘purest blue’
Colour of a cloudless sky
Lapis Lazuli


Absent Companions (Requested by WizenedDragonPK)
Fighting side by side
War makes corpses of us all
I miss my comrades


I Stepped In Gum (Requested by Courtney8292)
No matter how much
You try to avoid it, you
Will fall prey to gum


The Ants Are Back (Requested by Courtney8292)
I thought I killed them
Yet they resurface, always
Doubled in number


Chillattes (Requested by Courtney8292)
On a scorching day
Nothing hits the spot better
Than frozen caffeine


Praying to the Porcelain Goddess (Requested by NF_PhillyCheeseSteak)
Technicolour Yawn
After a night of drinking
Makes you feel better


How’d That Get There? (Requested by NF_PhillyCheeseSteak)
What the hell happened?
Yesterday my skin was blank
Now there’s a tattoo!


The Day After… (Requested by NF_PhillyCheeseSteak)
You have to watch out
Drinking too much might cause you
To wake up surprised


Sorry Mister (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I didn’t see you
I was running with my tea
Sorry ’bout your face

Rosebud (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Potential for growth
Into something beautiful
I admire nature


Come Naked (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I want to see you
Let’s just cut to the good stuff
No clothes off the bat


Hi Mom (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I’m a criminal
My face on the nightly news
I should wave hello


I Slept Through It (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I barely felt it
Eight on the Richter Scale, eh?
And there I was, zonked




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.