Take a Chance on SPAM!

Take A Chance

I was chatting with Dave the other day, and for one reason or another the subject turned to a John Woo flick called Hard Target.

Incidentally, that movie sucked the big wang in the sky. Jean-Claude Van Damme was up to his normal level of acting, which is located somewhere between a paramecium and a diseased lemming. Wilford Brimley brought all of that talent from the Quaker Oats commercials and put it to good use with the most horrible cajun accent ever. On top of all that, the movie is by John Woo, so half of it will be in slow motion, theoretically making it a third longer than it should have been.

There were two great parts of the movie though. Lines, actually. One of them involves JCVD facing off against some punks on the street. One of them is brandishing a weapon (a staff or something). JCVD utters the line (complete with the Accentotron5000 Phonetic Spellometer™)…


Now tehk yor PIG STICK, an’ yor bohfriend, and fahnd eh bus tew catch.*


Such great writing deserves an Oscar Nomination. Alas, this was not to be.

The other great line was in all the commercials. Briefly, the premise of the movie is that an evil guy (Lance Henriksen) charges people money for a service he provides. He gets old war vets with combat experience to be the prey in a manhunt with live weapons. If the vets win, they get paid. Losing entails being killed in some way. JCVD ends up getting mixed up with a woman whose father was a homeless war vet. JCVD follows the clues, figures out the operation, and challenges the evil people (who try to kill him). Near the end of the movie, JCVD turns the tables on the hunters, and has them pinned in a warehouse. At this point he shouts out…


‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?**


To which Lance answers…

You tell me!


What’s funny about that? Well, Dave was over once, probably playing trivial pursuit with me, when I yelled out to my youngest brother the JCVD line. He didn’t remember the right response (he was ten or eleven, so he had other stuff occupying his brain at that time). The following are some examples, which may actually only be funny to us…


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: I don’t remember!


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Not bad!


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Pretty good, you?


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Mom!


Good times.



Spam Stands For Stupid People Annoy Me

The increase of SPAM in our everyday lives is a constant annoyance. The internet seems to be composed of one half information and one half SPAM (Thank god John Woo is not in charge of the SPAM or there would be twice as much of it due to slow motion).

My inbox is constantly being barraged with ads for Viagra, Cialis, hot and horny housewives desperate for action, and occasionally the opportunity to garner a college degree from somewhere (another planet, I think).

What’s been more disturbing lately is the fact that a lot of the names in the from field in the header are from familiar sounding people. The first or last names are from actual people in my contact list. Whether this is intentional or not, I don’t know. It scares the crap out of me.

This means that I have to carefully sift through things to make sure that my friends’ correspondence does not get wiped out.

Yesterday, though, I got an e-mail regarding hot models (who want to do me anytime, anywhere for a low low price) from someone named…


…wait for it…


Brontosaurus B. Intemperance


What in the hell is that name?

Definitely not one that would make me pause, thinking hmm, I wonder what my old pal Bronty has sent me today? Wow. Apparently SPAMmers take one step forward and two steps back.

God bless ’em.




* – Now take your pig stick, and your boyfriend, and find a bus to catch.
** – How does it feel to be hunted?

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10 Responses

  1. That was hilarious, Jorge.

    Brontosaurus B. Intemperance! LOL!

    Oh…and…I didn’t realize there would be translations of JCVD lines till I got to the end. I was trying desperately to sound them out. It’s all so clear now.
    🙂

  2. The funnier part of the response to the JCVD/Lance Henriksen interaction is that after Henriksen shouts back “You tell me,” the writers ruined their own best line by having JCVD call back “Yu shud know!”

    Which was one line too many.

    But dude, you need to stop dissing John Woo. His early stuff was some of the most kick-ass action ever. I think he should have stayed in Hong Kong, though – the more studios have to do with his movies, the less cool they are. But Hard Boiled was a work of blood-soaked art.

  3. I suppose I should have said that John Woo’s Western stuff sucks. I like his hometown films. 🙂

  4. That was great!
    It made me think about that other Van Damme movie – the one where he’s a twin or something. That’s a thought enough to make you shudder – two of him!
    Have a great day,
    Danielle

  5. Brontasaurus B. Impertinence sounds like an excellent name for a JCVD character/movie. in addition to your haikuul and figtionary, might i suggest you try your hand at screen writing?

    sincerely,
    patresa
    puh-TREE-suh

  6. Ah yes J-man, this all sounds familiar to me. Although I must say me and my HU::GE::CO::CK really enjoy some of the spam.

  7. J-Gal,

    You made me laugh at the start of my day!

    Thanks!

  8. […] Comments Jorge on Take a Chance on SPAM!St-Martini-of-the-Vodka on Take a Chance on SPAM!patresa74 on Take a Chance on SPAM!Fursy_Lima on […]

  9. […] deemed me worthy to receive a bunch of crap (obviously) with funny names (not as obvious, but still not unexpected). Check some of these out. I mean, I know I would completely believe these people exist with names […]

  10. […] names up from my inbox at home. I’ve been saving these because I find it amusing (as I stated here). Check these […]

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