Strike Funny

Dave and Jorge Strike Again!

Kris is taking off for vacation, and rather than leaving everyone high and dry, she proposed to have a best of 2005 compilation. She wanted examples of what people thought their own best blog entries were. All we had to do was submit links and a short sentence or two describing the story.

I was thinking about one of the pieces I was going to submit, I was trying to remember the catchy name for New York. I consulted my number one source of info…


Jorge: Hey Dave.
Dave:
Hey.
J: I’m stuck. I’m trying to remember what New York is the City of.
D: Huh?
J: Is New York the City of Lights?
D: No, I think Paris is the City of Lights.
J: Dammit. Well, if Paris is the City of Lights and Chicago is The Windy City, then what is New York?
D: The City of…[A few seconds…]…Hobos?
J: Totally blogging that.


It turns out it was The Big Apple that I was trying to remember*


J: Wicked. This is why you are the man.
D: Yeah?
J: Not only did I get the information I was looking for, I also got a new entry.
D: This is true.
J: It’s like the goose that lays the golden eggs.
D: Uh…
J: Except you lay…[A few seconds…]…Hobos…
D: Don’t blog that.
J: I got nothing.


I’m still laughing at that first bit of conversation, though.

Funny Story

You need to do yourself a favour and read this story. My friend Shatton wrote it when he was in grade eight.

It’s funny on its own, but with the modern footnotes it’s even funnier!




* – I have been informed by Kris that New York is The City that Never Sleeps. Dave and I are wankers for not knowing this. Especially Dave.

Wow Worst

Wow

I have reached a new low. I actually got an image hit for Clint Howard.


Other hits of note…



Worst Idea Ever

I was watching television yesterday and saw a small news piece on a guy who has created a new idea for men.

Essentially it shows men how to cook with powertools.

He claims that a lot of men don’t see cooking as being manly enough, so by introducing these power tools into the equation, men can feel more comfortable in the kitchen.

This man is both a genius and an idiot.

He’s a genius because he is tapping into the male psyche. I mean, what could be cooler than using a drill as a mixer? Or a power saw to cut meat? Undoubtedly he will make some decent cash off of this endeavour.

On the other hand, he’s an idiot because no girl in her right mind would buy her male partner this book. My reasoning is as follows…


  • Any man who doesn’t like to cook will also most likely not like to clean. The mess this shmoe made while creating batter for something or other was huge! He’s the expert! Can you imagine what an amateur would do? Who do you think will be cleaning up the mess? I doubt even a ShopVac will put a dent in a gooey mess like that.
  • Something about holding a tool five times the size of the bowl you are mixing in just seems like a bad idea.
  • Nothing like introducing a higher possibility for serious injury in the kitchen, I always say.

The Good Parts of the Feud

The Good Parts of the Trip

I was thinking about writing a lengthy introduction about Cuba, but then I realized that I would just be regurgitating things that can be found here. So visit that site if you’re game for a well-written synopsis of Cuba.

I’ll wait for you.

Done?

Good.

Our trip to Cuba was very relaxing.

That would be the best way to describe it.

No crazy scheduled tours or excursions to parts unknown. We stuck to the resort like glue, and it suited us just fine.

One of the first things I noticed is that even though folks seem to have far less than we do, they are very proud. This translates to a really great time. The folks there are really friendly, and to me it seemed they were that way not only because they had to be, but because they wanted to be.

We spent our week in Holguin, which is located on the Eastern side of Cuba.

The resort, though considered a Five-Star in Cuba, was probably more of a Four-Star elsewhere. Not that I am complaining.

The food was excellent, as was the service.

Our housekeeper was so awesome. We would write her letters in Spanish, and she would reply back, folgding our towels into swans and our blankets into big hearts. She was a sweetie. We actually just sent her a postcard from Toronto.

The best part of the whole vacation was the beach. The sand was nice, and the water was relatively shallow for a good distance.

We had great weather practically every day, and the biggest decision was whether to hang out at the beach or the pool.

We met a lot of really great people as well (which offset the stupid ones). The bartenders were also awesome.

I would definitely go back to Cuba if I had the chance.

Sorry if this seems so short, but we really didn’t do a lot when we went down there. It made for a refreshing stay!



Family Feud

I have two very dear friends, namely Dave and Kris, who are feuding.

Why are they feuding?

I have no idea.

Kris complains that Dave doesn’t really comment enough on her blog.

Dave complains that Kris doesn’t ever return his e-mails.

My good people, how will we end this War of the Roses?

Leave Kris and Dave some advice here, to help them resolve their problem.

Better yet, why don’t you two use this as a forum to work things out, you whiners…

Tourists Suck

Tourists Suck

My wife and I recently took a week’s vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Cuba.

One of the big draws of Cuba is that there are no noisy Americans there.

Now before any of my American friends freak out, let me explain.

A few years ago, we went to a resort in the Dominican. While we were there, we noticed that you could tell where people were from by how loud and obnoxious they were. The quiet ones were from Canada. This was something that one of the staff told me.

In hindsight, I realize the loud ones were just Republicans.

Right.

Back to the Cuban trip.

One of the travel agents told us that the benefit to going was that there were no Americans. This wasn’t really a deciding factor (price and timing were), so it was just something to laugh at.

News flash, folks.

People from all over the world can be jackasses.

Let us examine some people*

[We are on a shuttle bus that will be taking us from the airport to the resort. Close to the bus is a beer stand. A Canadian male (we will call him John) steps onto bus. He is obviously not an athletic person. He spots his wife (we will call her Martha)…]
John: [Shouting] Hey Martha! Where the hell is Bernie?
Martha: He’s not on the bus.
J: I know. This is why I asked you.
M: He’s still in the airport talking to someone.
J: Well, he should be on the bus. It’s going to leave without him.
M: He’ll be here. The bus won’t leave.
J: Somoene should go get him. [Obviously posturing so that he is not the one who will do the task]
M: [Sighs] Do you just want me to go get you a beer? Is that it?
J: [Affirmative silence]
M: [Sighs again, and turns to her companions] Anyone else want a beer?
[Everyone shakes their head. She walks off the bus, but not after shaking her head at her husband. When she is out of earshot, he looks up and smirks…]
J: [Making no move to be quiet] Stupid.


Nice, eh? Nothing like demonstrating your love for your singificant other by telling complete strangers how you really feel.

It turns out that on our last day, as we were getting ready to leave, this moron struck again. A kid (probably no more than 10) was standing on the edge of one of the little fish ponds at the front of the resort. He was obviously watching the fish. This guy (John) snuck up behind the kid, and scared the crap out of him by pretending to push the poor youngster into the pond.

The kid scooted off to his parents.

I’d like to point out…

  • This kid did not belong to John
  • John didn’t even know the kid
  • John, in the ultimate sign of maturity**, starts boasting to his friends as to what he just did.


Wow.

Here’s another situation.

There were several a la carte restaurants. They were pretty good. Nice and quiet. Definitely not as busy as the buffets. On our last night we went for dinner at one of the more romantic places. There was a pianist playing nice tunes, and the restaurant was definitely geared to those wishing to have a nice quiet time.

Until the kids from hell show up.

They run all around the stage, making a boatload of noise, interfering with the poor pianist. Their parents did nothing.

These families were Canadian.

True North strong and loud?

Perhaps.

Other than some little snots from England, the majority of the stupidity was performed by our fellow countrymen, which only goes to show that people all over the world can be idiots.

So, I have an interesting question to ask you all: What aspect of your culture or country are you not proud of?




* – Please note, all names are ficticious. If they happen to be the actual names of the people I referenced, I apologize. I am merely making up names for convenience. However, if I guessed correctly, those people deserve it for being morons.
** – The opposite, actually.

Back From Assignment

Back From Cuba

Contrary to what you might think, this entry will have no pictures of my back while I was in Cuba.

No, it means I am back from my lovely vacation.

It was great.

Undoubtedly I will blog about it. There will most likely be two or three entries. The first one will be complaining about other tourists, so brace yourselves.

I will start on them once I catch up to life.

It seems it goes on when I’m not around.

What the hell is that about?



The Assignment

Thanks to all for helping me keep interesting reading material on my blog by writing about your pirate/ninja preferences.

Special kudos go out to…

  • missb for her ass-kicking essay right out of the gate
  • TheLastRealist for accidentally leaving a comment on my blog destined for someone else. I am frequently confused for a woman. Indeed, I can see the resemblance between Amber and myself. Must be the pouty come-hither look
  • Enraptured4 for the real ultimate power reference
  • Dave for using the word pubes
  • Kris for making me feel missed


I’ll have to think carefully about another essay question for the future…