Voodoo Television Power

Anyone Know a Good Voodoo Priest?

I usually take the bus in the morning to get to the subway station. The station is only a ten minute walk from my house, but when trying to get into work on time, every minute is precious.

Also, it is usually less of a sweat-inducing ordeal to just catch the bus and ride it down to the station, shaving five minutes and about a litre of sweat off the journey.

This morning I was about a block away from the bus stop.

I saw the people begin to line up, and I knew the bus was coming, so I broke into a sprint.

I made it just as he was closing the door. There was plenty of room on the bus, and he could have waited a few seconds to let me in.

Instead he decided to close the door and drive away.

The worst part of it all was that he was staring at me the whole time.


If Television Were In My Power…

A long overdue Dave & Jorge exchange.

There is a television show called CSI (Crime Scene Investigation). The show is awesome. It always starts out with the initial crime scene. One of the CSIs will show up (usually Grissom) and have an exchange with Detective Brass. Inevitably, a bad pun makes itself known followed by the theme song.

For some reason, Dave and I were on a kick one day. We started writing new intros to the series, replacing Grissom with Dave.

I don’t even remember how this particular exchange started, but it ended up becoming damned funny. Well, damned funny to us, anyway.

If you are having trouble with the ending of each little segment, Dave and I were trying to type out the music to the CSI theme*

Intro 1
[Dave arrives on the scene. Detective Brass is standing over the body of a bloody corpse.]
Brass: Wow, what a way to go…
Dave: What happened?
Brass: Someone shot this priest in the head.
Dave: I guess we should get to work on his holiness..

Intro 2
[Dave meets Brass in a dark alley where the body of a hooker was found.]
Dave: What happened here?
Brass: We found this prostitute murdered. No one could hear her scream because her tongue was cut out.
Dave: [Looking sombre] That’s horrible. I guess it’s time to work the scene.
Brass: If only the dead could talk.
Dave: We’d find that the answer was on the tip of her tongue

Intro 3
[Brass is waiting for Dave in the kitchen of a home in a rich neighbourhood.]
Brass: You’re not going to believe this one.
Dave: What?
Brass: The wife took her husband’s face, forced it into the grinder over there, and served it to all the neighbours as meat pie. Now all the neighbours are dead–we found half of them on their toilets.
Dave: Dysentery?
Brass: Looks like.
Dave: Wow. The face that launched a thousand shits.

Intro 4
[Brass is carefully checking over the scene in a clinic.]
Dave: [Looking Tired] What happened here?
Brass: Well, this case involves a lady who went to a plastic surgeon for a breast enlargement.
Dave: So?
Brass: He said he could enlarge her breasts immensely. When she didn’t get the results she wanted, she stabbed him in the eye, and he died.
Dave: That’s what you get when you try to make mountains out of molehills…

We totally could be up for an Emmy.

* – “Who Are You?” by The Who

12 Responses

  1. Those are funny! Especially the Dysentery one. 🙂 I’ve had TTC drivers do the same thing. I think some of them just live for moments like that. They’re like petty tyrants. I’ve found that people who do deliberately cruel shit like that are miserable people who have little to no power over anything in their lives and take it out on others when they get the chance. Aka…a Prick. Mind you, I have encountered a couple of nice TTC bus drivers. Yes, two of them I think. 😉

  2. Grissom is the man! If only he were real

  3. Context: Sarah and I were heading to Vegas just prior to that conversation. P.S Thanks for describing that there is a television show called CSI. I’m sure millions would have been alienated without that information.

  4. Jerk- my bus driver has done that to me- twice! So I try to catch the bus with the driver that winks at me… but he is less on time than I am… Licking the crotch of a cockroach completely cracked me up by the way! And no Shakespeare didn’t invent Hippolyta- he borrowed her from the romans- she was an amazon queen. I don’t really identify with any of Shakespeare’s characters… so I made a lame obscure joke. Ahhh I don’t know what I was thinking.

  5. LOL. you guys make me proud. I love CSI. Uhmm. the face into pie thing, a little gross. But entertaining none the less:) and i agree with shellie, Grissom Is the man. and hes gorgeous. ~Leah~

  6. This is absolutely hilarious… do you know who’s even worse? David Caruso (Horatio Caine) on CSI: Miami… his lines are bad (REALLY bad– like, Arnold-as-Mr. Freeze-bad)… and his over-inflated ego just makes it more humorous… example- body found in front of the dairy section of grocery store: “I guess this gentleman exceeded his expiration date”…. [said verrrrry slowly, while Horatio puts on sunglasses and then puts his hands on his hips]

  7. ROFLMAO! When my husband and I got married, we had our best friend Shawn living with us for a year. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to get water or something and I would walk into conversations likethis…. I must say that at 4 am when you are half asleep its quite confusing! this reminided me of good times at our old place! Thanks for the laugh, they should serioulsy think of taping a reality show” the gruesome twosome” (drumroll) wah, wha wha….thud. Kelly

  8. Came here by way of Ian’s space……and am definitely going to have to drop back more often to read what you post! You have a great space here – keep up the good work! Cheers 🙂

  9. *laughing* I love CSI. I don’t watch much television but when I do, I usually try to find repeats of CSI on Spike channel. I do not, however, like any of the spin-off shows. Ack. Isn’t it great to have good friends who make up shit and play? I just love that… Once again… wishing I lived closer! (I could be the token psuedo lesbian that does all the nasty research work. You know, the one in sensible shoes. LOL!) *s* Q

  10. “And the Emmy goes to . . .”

  11. WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH! The entire thing had me rolling, but this….this was priceless.

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