Anyone Know a Good Voodoo Priest?
I usually take the bus in the morning to get to the subway station. The station is only a ten minute walk from my house, but when trying to get into work on time, every minute is precious.
Also, it is usually less of a sweat-inducing ordeal to just catch the bus and ride it down to the station, shaving five minutes and about a litre of sweat off the journey.
This morning I was about a block away from the bus stop.
I saw the people begin to line up, and I knew the bus was coming, so I broke into a sprint.
I made it just as he was closing the door. There was plenty of room on the bus, and he could have waited a few seconds to let me in.
Instead he decided to close the door and drive away.
The worst part of it all was that he was staring at me the whole time.
Prick.
If Television Were In My Power…
A long overdue Dave & Jorge exchange.
There is a television show called CSI (Crime Scene Investigation). The show is awesome. It always starts out with the initial crime scene. One of the CSIs will show up (usually Grissom) and have an exchange with Detective Brass. Inevitably, a bad pun makes itself known followed by the theme song.
For some reason, Dave and I were on a kick one day. We started writing new intros to the series, replacing Grissom with Dave.
I don’t even remember how this particular exchange started, but it ended up becoming damned funny. Well, damned funny to us, anyway.
If you are having trouble with the ending of each little segment, Dave and I were trying to type out the music to the CSI theme*…
Intro 1
[Dave arrives on the scene. Detective Brass is standing over the body of a bloody corpse.]
Brass: Wow, what a way to go…
Dave: What happened?
Brass: Someone shot this priest in the head.
Dave: I guess we should get to work on his holiness..
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!
Intro 2
[Dave meets Brass in a dark alley where the body of a hooker was found.]
Dave: What happened here?
Brass: We found this prostitute murdered. No one could hear her scream because her tongue was cut out.
Dave: [Looking sombre] That’s horrible. I guess it’s time to work the scene.
Brass: If only the dead could talk.
Dave: We’d find that the answer was on the tip of her tongue
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!
Intro 3
[Brass is waiting for Dave in the kitchen of a home in a rich neighbourhood.]
Brass: You’re not going to believe this one.
Dave: What?
Brass: The wife took her husband’s face, forced it into the grinder over there, and served it to all the neighbours as meat pie. Now all the neighbours are dead–we found half of them on their toilets.
Dave: Dysentery?
Brass: Looks like.
Dave: Wow. The face that launched a thousand shits.
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!
Intro 4
[Brass is carefully checking over the scene in a clinic.]
Dave: [Looking Tired] What happened here?
Brass: Well, this case involves a lady who went to a plastic surgeon for a breast enlargement.
Dave: So?
Brass: He said he could enlarge her breasts immensely. When she didn’t get the results she wanted, she stabbed him in the eye, and he died.
Dave: That’s what you get when you try to make mountains out of molehills…
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!
We totally could be up for an Emmy.
* – “Who Are You?” by The Who
Filed under: Humour, Rants, Spaces Archive | 12 Comments »
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