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Jorge’s Guide to Toronto – I

Jorge’s Guide to Toronto

Welcome to my guide to Toronto. This guide will give you my view of the city. By no means will this be a guide you can actually use, so don’t get your hopes up.

Best to try toronto.com or something like that if you want to be all snooty and such.

I decided to write this guide because blogger extraordinaire Jay and her dashing husband have relocated to a secret base hidden in the GTA somewhere. Jay was wondering about this fair city that I call home, so as a personal favour, I am sharing my unique point of view.

I plan to write this guide sporadically, as the mood takes me, possibly modifying existing posts as I go. It will gain its own category along the side so one can access it. I might even make a custom section for it.

Let us begin…



The Greatest City in the World

This was Mel Lastman’s proclamation at almost every public event he spoke at. While I am from here, and proud of where I live, I found that it wore thin. Mind you, Mel managed to make almost anything he did quite tiresome, except for that time he wrote a letter to Geri Halliwell, pleading with her not to leave the spice girls. Tiresome? No. Spooky? Yes.

Toronto is a great city though. If I was to sum it up in one word, I would probably have to pick the oft-used cliché of alive.

It’s a huge organism, spread across Southern Ontario like concrete jam on a bread made out of…er…Earth.

Toronto proper has many neighbourhoods with cultural overtones. They are usually indicated by headers on the street signs. You’ll notice them on your travels through the city in most areas…


  • Corso Italia

  • Fashion District

  • Stinky Armpit Area

  • etc…


These indicators are deceiving.

Reading a sign that says Corso Italia would make you think that there is only one section of Toronto dedicated solely to Italians. This would be false.

How do I know this? Research.

Well, the research was really a by-product of me being caught in traffic when I used to live in the East end and commuted to the West end for work.

World Cup Soccer will always show you the true breakdown of culture in any city…



Italian

To my knowledge, there are five distinct Little Italies in Toronto…


  • St. Clair Ave W west of Bathurst and East of Old Weston

  • Weston Rd North of Sheppard Ave

  • Part of College St (2 blocks)

  • The intersection of St. Clair Ave W and Scarlett Rd.

  • Woodbridge


The first one is the official Little Italy (although I think that the town of Woodbridge would have something to say about that).

The smell of bread is something you will notice when in one of these areas. And not just any kind of bread. A certain bread. Usually accompanied by the smell of garlic, cheese, and simmering tomato sauce.

Little Italies are the best places to visit a deli for some sandwiches. Considering that there are seven delicatessans on every block, believing this is not really a leap of faith.

Like any respectable European city, you will notice an abundance of old men in hats wakling around, chatting, pointing at things, or laughing while playing a game of cards that not even they know the rules to anymore.

These are happy places.



Chinese

There are probably eighty Chinatowns in the GTA…


  • Spadina Ave between Queen St W and College St W

  • Parts of Scarborough

  • Slightly East of Woodbine Rd and Danforth Ave, Gerrard St E as well

  • Stretches of Kennedy Rd

  • Parts of Markham

  • Richmond Hill (Due in no small part to the Pacific Mall, which seems to have been teleported here from another planet)


Chinatown proper is located on Spadina. It’s a hustling, bustling place, where you will see hollowed out coconuts (with straws sticking out of them) lying all over the place (they don’t fit through the slot in the garbage cans). Vendors with dreams of riches hock their pirated (yet convincingly real-looking) DVDs on folding card tables, while once a week the garbage from restaurants is piled out along the curb in alarmingly high stacks, teetering with every puff of wind that happens by…

The other Chinatowns are simply named such for convenience. There will usually be a Dim-sum establishment and several electronics stores with neon signs in eight different languages. Something about Chinatowns is that they magically hold more people than physically possible.

Richmond Hill swells with people on the weekend, all on their way to the Pacific Mall. For about two hours every weekend, the Earth’s rotation either slows down or speeds up depending on whether people are all walking into the mall (opening time) or out of the mall (closing time).



More to Come…

This is the first installment in the Jorge’s Guide to Toronto series. Suggestions are more than welcome.





Index

  1. Introduction, Italian, Chinese

  2. CN Tower, Portuguese

  3. TTC, Greek

  4. Zanta, Ukrainian

Hai-Kuul – October 05, 2005

Shake Shake Shake (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
I shake like a fiend
It is a lot of work but
Pepper is worth it


Where’s the Camera? (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Today was so odd
So many strange things happened
Only I saw them


Scar (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
Scars are history
A record of our trials
Within and without


High Priority (Has already been requested before by TheresaWarriorPrincess)


The Knight (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)
An image of strength
Power and grace in armor
There are too few now




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Transporter Thing

The Transporter

One thing I like to do is quote lines from movies once in a while. I usually change some element of what it is to be funny. This time, though, my wife actually changed it.

We had recently seen Transporter 2 in the theatre.

In the movie, there is a brief exchange between Jason Statham’s rigid, rules-based character (Frank) and a little boy played (quite well) by Hunter Clary…


Frank Martin: What’s the first rule when entering a man’s car?
Jack Billings: Respect a mans car, a man respects you.
Frank Martin: Rule number two?
Jack Billings: Greet the man. Good afternoon Frank!
Frank Martin: Good afternoon Jack.


A few days after we saw the movie, I was sitting in the car waiting for Mrs. J. After a minute or two, she opened the passenger side and joined me in the car. The following conversation ensued (with me doing my best Jason Statham impression)…


Jorge: What’s the first rule when entering a man’s car?
Mrs. J: Kiss the man! [Leans over and plants a kiss on my ugly mug.]
[Jorge is all smiles now. He pulls the car away from the curb and begins driving. Suddenly a thought crosses his mind…]
Jorge: I’d have thought that the first rule would be to make sure that the man is your husband.
Mrs. J: [Laughs.]

Yes. My life is a movie.

Two thumbs up!



Funniest Thing I Heard All Day

I was riding the subway to work today, as I do every day.

Every time the subway left a platform, it would slowly accelerate, jerk once, and then keep accelerating until it reached it’s cruising speed. The cruising speed was not all that quick for some reason.

I didn’t think anything of it, as a lot of the subways are older and prone to odd glitches.

About halfway through my trip, the subway driver piped up over the loudspeaker…


Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I would like to apologize for the delay…


Everyone groaned. Usually when messages begin like that it means we’ll have to get off the subway at the next stop or the subway will have to stop and sit still for a number of minutes (usually about five or ten) due to some problem up ahead…


…The delay is due to the fact that mechanical problems are not allowing us to reach our top speed. This is causing our trip across the city to be somewhat longer than normal and again, I apologize. I have called for a mechanic to meet us further along the route to fix the problem. You can understand that mechanics for these trains are hard to find, as no one really likes to try to repair antiques…


I laughed pretty loudly at his blatant shot at the lack of modern equipment. Folks like him make my day.

Always Choose to Accept It

Always Check Your Food

The other day, I was doing some chores and cooking dinner at the same time.

I was cooking a pork chop.

I thought I had finished cooking it, as it was somewhat charred on the outside. Admittedly, our landlady set us up with a new stove and I’m not quite used to it yet, so I thought I had burned the chop but good.

I decided to eat it anyway, slathering rib sauce on it to mask the taste of charcoal.

I would take a bite, do an errand around the house, come back and take another bite, etc.

On the third bite, I realized that it was chewier than normal. I looked at the pork chop and saw that while the outside was charred, the inside was raw.

In my haste to complete some household chores, I neglected to check that the meat I was eating was cooked all the way through.

That was Tuesday night.

Today is Saturday.

I have one word for you…


TOILET


Let this be a lesson. Always make sure you cook your meat properly.

Ugh.



Your Mission, if You Choose to Accept it…

A friend of mine works in a company in the IT department. There are not many of them in this department (two if I understand him correctly).

His departmental accomplice (who we will call Miss X) is an expert in one part of the business while my friend takes care of the rest.

A lot of the time, people are looking for Miss X. They usually ask my friend where she is.

He’s arrived at an impasse for creative answers, so he asked me to appeal to my audience for some suggestions on creative answers.

I had two…



Scenario One

Person asks for Miss X. My friend has a cleverly constructed sock puppet likeness of her. He does an impromptu puppet show to make the person feel awkward.


Scenario Two

Person asks for Miss X. My friend asks the person to wait a sec while he picks up a pen from behind his desk. While down there, he dons a wig (the same colour as Miss X’s hair colour) and applies some makeup. He gets up from behind the desk and proceeds to talk like Miss X, making the person feel awkward.


So, let me know what suggestions you have. He’ll read the comments and I’m sure fun will be had by all. Except, of course for Miss X and her adoring fans.