Always Check Your Food
The other day, I was doing some chores and cooking dinner at the same time.
I was cooking a pork chop.
I thought I had finished cooking it, as it was somewhat charred on the outside. Admittedly, our landlady set us up with a new stove and I’m not quite used to it yet, so I thought I had burned the chop but good.
I decided to eat it anyway, slathering rib sauce on it to mask the taste of charcoal.
I would take a bite, do an errand around the house, come back and take another bite, etc.
On the third bite, I realized that it was chewier than normal. I looked at the pork chop and saw that while the outside was charred, the inside was raw.
In my haste to complete some household chores, I neglected to check that the meat I was eating was cooked all the way through.
That was Tuesday night.
Today is Saturday.
I have one word for you…
TOILET
Let this be a lesson. Always make sure you cook your meat properly.
Ugh.
Your Mission, if You Choose to Accept it…
A friend of mine works in a company in the IT department. There are not many of them in this department (two if I understand him correctly).
His departmental accomplice (who we will call Miss X) is an expert in one part of the business while my friend takes care of the rest.
A lot of the time, people are looking for Miss X. They usually ask my friend where she is.
He’s arrived at an impasse for creative answers, so he asked me to appeal to my audience for some suggestions on creative answers.
I had two…
Scenario One
Person asks for Miss X. My friend has a cleverly constructed sock puppet likeness of her. He does an impromptu puppet show to make the person feel awkward.
Scenario Two
Person asks for Miss X. My friend asks the person to wait a sec while he picks up a pen from behind his desk. While down there, he dons a wig (the same colour as Miss X’s hair colour) and applies some makeup. He gets up from behind the desk and proceeds to talk like Miss X, making the person feel awkward.
So, let me know what suggestions you have. He’ll read the comments and I’m sure fun will be had by all. Except, of course for Miss X and her adoring fans.
Filed under: Anecdotes, General Dialogue, Humour, Spaces Archive |
Barking Space 
Glad you’re feeling better now. As for suggestions about Miss X and her not being at her desk, your friend could use “How the fudge (only I didn’t say ‘fudge’) should I know? She keeps biting off her tracking collar.”
Man….. you know why God said PIG (pork) was bad… because those Israelites couldn’t cook their meat properly and got sick… 😛 always cook your meat silly;) Uhmm…. and as for my suggestion… I say… he buys a blow up doll… steals some clothes from this X lady, and then dresses it up like her, and places her in her chair….AND…records some conversations with her, then takes each word and places them into a nicely constructed sound board. THEN… when someone begins talking to sed blowup doll…he can use the sound board to talk back to them…. as her… done and done. it all works out. everybody goes home happy. Or… he could just use the Napoleon Dynamite soundboard on ebaums world.. it would add for extra hillarity. xo!!
eww…. I thought having a cold was bad. 😦 I have nothing creative right now, still groggy and doing laundry AGAIN. Have a good weekend. 😀
UHm.. yea…. Always check your meat…..especially pork. Thankfully you are better now. As for the mission….. let’s choose Scenerio number 2.. LOL. Keep reaching for the stars. Keeping it Real De Gurl
Heh… I enjoy these questions too. For some reason when I am answering the reception phone for an hour while the receptionist is at lunch, everyone assumes that I know where EVERYONE is… which I obviously do NOT… What I usually do is feign an attack… clutch at my head and start screaming… “I’m GETTING SOMETHING… hang on… HANG ON…. she’s…. in…. the BATHROOM” (Or some such… you get the idea) Another idea, calmly explain that she has been arrested for asking TOO MANY GODDAMN QUESTIONS. and then STARE at the person asking where she is meaningfully. Oh oh… also… just pick an office and send them off on one trip after another. I’ve seriously DONE this one. It looked like this:
Idiot #1: Where is person X?
Me: Oh, I saw Miss X in Mr. Y’s office a few minutes ago.
(They tootle off on the fool’s errand, and if they COME BACK, it’s even MORE fun, just send them somewhere else… it’s funny. My record is three trips. After that even the DENSEST and most persistent person loses faith…)
Another option is just to COMPLETELY ignore the person, as if they don’t exist… then stand up and fart loudly as if you’re alone, belch, and scratch yourself, then look VERY surprised at the person and say something like, “Whoah! How long have YOU been standing there?” A few suggestions, most of which I have actually field tested. If you need more, you know where to find me. 🙂
Something about an egg sandwhich where the egg is not fully cooked just really sets the tone for the rest of my day.
hahahahaahah Jorge…..I will have to think about my suggestion for your IT friend…..need more time…. always fun popping by to see what you have been up to… Cheers… Diana
And that, my friend, is why I am NOT a meat eater. Right now I’m still laughing at the prospect of your friend donning a wig, so I’ll have to wait to give you ideas.
Hi Jorge, ugh .. sorry to hear you weren’t feeling well for a few days too. Hope you are feeling better:) Well at this point guess he could put a Miss piggy on her desk top and when asked just say ..”She didn’t cook her meat properly” and point to the washroom 🙂 happy Monday Barb █♣█
Oh, man. I feel your pain. Food-poisoning is the worst thing ever, espeically when you have to hold the trash can in your face while sitting on the toilet. I hope you’re feeling better!
Scenario 2 sounds a tad bit creepy lol Not a pleasant pork chop experience for you… I’m a big fan of cooking meat until its practically charcoal lol okay not that bad but i’ve suffered from undercooked meat at one point and never again will I go near the stuff! Thank you for the delightful comment on my page. Yep, Ian does seem to beat you… but like you, I also think it’s because of the time difference and not due to lack of enthusiasm on your part 😉 Have a wonderful week! Karen
I usually make some sarcastic comment about the crystal ball not working today….nice and simple and requires no lipstick!
Simple sarcasm is an art! 🙂 You’re the best!
Don’t eat raw pork! Oy oy OY! Trichonella is no laughing matter sir! Personally I’m a big fan of signs. Just have a little sign. Nothing rude. “I don’t know where she is” or some such. Doesn’t even require eye-contact. I’m antisocial 😉 Feel better Poopsy.
your porkchop story seriously makes me want to barf. and i think your IT friend should just ignore the question of Miss X. i mean, really, like the person asks him to his face, and he just looks at them like nothing was said. blinks. says nothing. like, really make them think they’re crazy. ph
For Miss X, here are some excuses your friend can use. Do not ask where these come from, for I cannot reveal my source. These my friends, are very real: 1. She’s in the can 2. She’s in jail 3. Play a tape that has a good 3 minutes of music slow and soft R&B music, then explain that Miss X is “very very sorry” she can’t be there for you in a breathy com hither voice 4. Greet the person looking for Miss X by saying “Praise the Lord” 5. Play dumb. “your looking for who?” 6. Parlez vouz a language that the person doesn’t speak, but have somebody screaming the English translation in the background instead of having them speak directly to the patron. The End.
i have no good comment to make…except to say that you have way too many comments mr. popular 🙂 lol, Jorge…aka BLOG CELEBRITY! I can’t get over this joke 🙂 hope it’s not getting TOO old…!
Miss X…. Hmmmmmm
1) Changing the subject is always good….
2) Maybe she was abducted by the “Office Extraction” team.
3) The ever popular….”she’s working from home”
Hope that helps!
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FROM ARGENTINA UN SALUDO DESDE ARGENTINA!
Egad! My comment levels are approaching Ian-like proportions! This stranger from Argentina proves it! I’m absorbing Ian’s MOJO!
Possible Responses:
1. A meeting with a Mr. DILLIGAF
2. Off doing support
3. I think she went looking for *you*… better wait at your desk to avoid missing her
4. I think she went looking for your boss… probably just co-incidence
5. In a meeting with Carmen Sandiego
6. In a meeting with Arthur Dent
7. He could set up a hot-key on his computer to play a recording of her voice with random responses — then when the person asks, he could say to the computer “Hey Miss X, where you at?”, hit the key, and get a response like “In a meeting” or “in the bathroom” or “planet earth” or something (preferably always ending with, “if someone’s looking for me, ask them to leave me a note or email, can’t talk now, bye”), and the questioner would think she really responded.
8. Helping James Hoffa with a support issue
9. The question isn’t “where is she” — you should be asking, “WHEN is SHE!” Mwah hah hah ha
10. Sleeping with the fishes… she knew too much
11. Where is anyone, really?
12. There was an unfortunate mishap with a microwave and coffee whitener… she could be a while.
13. Stationery. Or ambulatory.
14. Dude, she’s 404
15. She went that-a-way (point in a direction the questioner didn’t come from)
16. (singing) “You mean Carlotta?” “I mean Miss Daae, where is she?”
17. Mainframe’s down — broken muffler belt, she had to call Midas.
18. She went looking for herself
19. At an audition
20. Not sure, I’m waiting for the E! True hollywood story
21. (look over questioners shoulder down hall quizzically, while slowly saying as if playing charades) she’s… not… here… (quickly) she’s not here!
22. It’s kind of personal… when you do see her, try not to ask her where she was — and don’t tell her I told you that! 23. Raconteur training.
24. Sensitivity training.
25. She said something about a rooftop and an AK47
26. Writing the great american novel
27. Ah, reading to the blind? gynecologist? Who listens?
28. They’re holding her as a flight risk.
29. She’s meeting bikers. Big ones.
30. Behind door number one
31. Downstairs, waiting for a Mr. Godot
32. She made me promise not to tell you.
33. You too? Wow, *everybody* is trying to find her right now, even
34. Vendor meetings. Or vending machines. Or veni vidi vici. Something like that.
35. She’s kicking it old school.
36. Her great-grandson had some kind of trouble at school.
37. Getting a PhD in retort.
38. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
39. Get it added to the Intranet FAQs, refer them to the FAQs.
40. Testing a new perpetual motion machine
41. Oh — deja vu! … I didn’t know then, either.
42. She’s in that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming
43. Neverneverland
44. Wow, already? She figured you wouldn’t come looking for her for at least another hour; that’s another five bucks for me!
45. Take a number (helps if you have a bunch of numbers handy)
46. Performance review. Cross your fingers!
47. That depends… good news or bad news?
48. Answer me these questions three, ere thou ask “where is she”… what is your name… quest… favourite colour?
49. Where is she? Sorry, that’s a support question — you’ll have to submit form XA98/2 with your supervisor’s approval before I can answer it.
50. She wanted to work somewhere where she wouldn’t be interrupted with stupid questions. She won the coin toss, this time.
51. Probably sabotaging the system… job security is very important to her
52. Say “I don’t know”, grab a whiteboard marker, put another mark beside “I don’t know where Miss X is” on the whiteboard.
53. Hallucinating… if she’s lucky
54. She mumbled something about a camel’s back and walked off twenty minutes ago.
55. Where is she? That’s what she was wondering too when she wandered away
That’s all I can think of right now.
Thought of one more:
56. Dunno. She’s very considerate, and doesn’t interrupt me when I’m working, just to tell me where she’s going.
Brian, Thanks for the extensive list. I’ve forwarded this permalink to our mutual friend so that he might put it to use… J PS: No clue why it didn’t save my response last time. Weird.