The Proposal

Frequently Asked

One of the many questions that people ask me is how I ended up proposing to Mrs J. Well, here you go…

Life Changes

It was a few short days after my car accident and my heart was racing. In my pocket was a highly-desired object, worth much more than just money. It was worth a lifetime.

I had set up the surprise with stealth and finesse. There was no way she could possibly know what was in store for her that night…

The Ultimatum

On Valentine’s Day my girlfriend (then: Miss J now: Mrs. J) took me out for dinner to Sassafraz, a trendy place in Yorkville.

The upshot was that she told me I had to propose before the end of the year. Or else.

Well, she never actually said or else, nor did she give any consequences for failure to meet her demand*. I knew, though, that ultimatums should never be taken lightly when given by the following people…

  • Evil scientists sitting in high-backed chairs gently stroking a siamese cat
  • One-legged men wearing an eye patch and brandishing a cutlass
  • GWB – clueless he may be, but his army is very, very large
  • Girlfriends (later, wives)

I was planning on proposing before the end of the year anyway (so there). This just confirmed that it would be a good idea.

Not to mention that it was only February, so I had plenty of time to scheme…

The Choice

The last thing I wanted was for the following to happen…

[The scene opens with Jorge on one knee at Miss J’s feet.]
Jorge: [Taking Miss J’s hand in his.] My dearest, will you marry me? [Offers her the ring box.]
Miss J: [Tears welling up.] Oh my God…
[Miss J takes the box and opens it. Tears of horror replace the tears of joy as she looks upon a solitary large, yellow diamond mounted on a ring made of pink gold.]
Jorge: [Looking hopeful.] So…do you like it?
Miss J: [Trying to look happy.] Errrr…Yes…uh…[Sprays Jorge with mace, and flees to join the witness relocation program.]

I figured that the best way to avoid a stinging attack to my eyes would be to involve Miss J somewhat in the ring selection process.

We went to a place recommended by a friend. I already had a really good idea as to what I was going to get her, but just in case, I included my choice along with a bunch of others so that she wouldn’t really know which one.

Luckily, the ring that I liked was also one that she did.

The planets must have been aligned that day.

The Decoy

I paid a few secret visits to the jewellery place and the order was set. I picked out a really nice Canadian diamond (no links to war or political nastiness), some sidestones, and the ring itself. All I had to do was wait for the centre diamond to arrive and for the ring to be made.

This was to be a month or so.

It was an excellent opportunity to bait Miss J into thinking I had no ability to keep surprises from her.

Her birthday fell around the midpoint between my ordering the ring, and the pick-up date. I had bought Miss J a new film SLR camera kit for her birthday, as she was stuck with a point-and-shoot. While she had taken some exceptional photos with such a simple piece of equipment, she expressed a desire to take photography more seriously by procuring a nicer camera at some point.

The week before her birthday, on a particularly nice day, I told her I was going to give her a gift. She was a bit skeptical at first, a she liked receiving birthday gifts on her actual birthday.

I argued that I had more stuff for her, but it was such a great day that she had to open this one particular thing. I expressed concern that she wouldn’t be able to use it on her birthday weekend, as she’d have to spend some time figuring it out.

I ended up giving her the camera, and she loved it.

She also made a point to say that I wasn’t any good at keeping secrets, which was fine by me, because she fell for my insidious plan…

The Execution

And so we’re back to where I started off.

A few short days after my accident, we were sitting in the Volkswagon dealership, about to buy a new car. I wanted an Audi (because it’s awesome), and Miss J wanted a rickshaw (because it’s more economical). We settled on getting a Jetta.

Let’s eavesdrop on the conversation…

[Jorge and Miss J are sitting in chairs in front of a desk. The salesman is busy in another room photocopying some documents and getting things ready.]
Jorge: This is crazy. This car is cool.
Miss J: Are you sure we should get the sports package? Do we really need it?
Jorge: Trust me, you’ll love it. Leather seats are easy to clean** and the wheels look nicer.
Miss J: [She holds her left hand up, palm down, showing off the empty spot where a ring would have gone quite nicely.] My finger is naked, and your leather seats are eating into my ring fund!
[Both of them laugh.]
Jorge: It will be ok! Trust me!

We drove home in the rental that I had for the week.

The night sky was beautiful. I suggested that we have dinner outside on our balcony. She agreed.

I lit a bunch of candles*** and Miss J put on the Dido CD while we ate Michelina’s pasta****. After we finished eating, I asked her if she wanted to dance*****.

She agreed and this is what happened…

[The scene opens with Jorge and Miss J dancing on the balcony overlooking the small park in the back laneway.]
Jorge: This is nice.
Miss J: Mmm-hmmm.
Jorge: So, I have a question for you.
Miss J: Okay.
Jorge: When I propose, do you want me to go down on one knee?
Miss J: [Thinks for a few moments] I don’t know. I guess so.
[Jorge lowers himself down on one knee. Miss J looks surprised. Then she looks upset, obviously thinking that Jorge is playing a cruel joke******.]
Miss J: Fuck off!
[Jorge reached behind the flower pots and retrieves the ring box that he hid there before dinner. He looks up at her face, and holds the box up to her.]
Jorge: I was going to do this anyway. The car accident just highlighted the fact that we’re never really sure what’s going to happen, and that you are the most important person in the world to me. Miss J, will you marry me?
Miss J: [Begins to cry.] Yes!
Jorge: [Crying and laughing at the same time. He’s amused that she said yes without even looking at the ring he agonized over.] Open the box you dumbass!
[They both laugh and sob. Both are ecstatic.]

So that’s how it happened*******.

That is how I proposed to the most beautiful, patient and awesome woman in the whole world.

* – The real reason for the ultimatum was because we’d just moved in together earlier that year. Marriage was the next logical step in the near future.
** – Of course, leather seats are also colder than a polar bear’s dick in the winter and hotter than Satan’s ass in the summer…
*** – This is not out of the ordinary. There are no lights outside on the balcony.
**** – Yes, I know, not the best choice, but we had been pretty busy with getting ready for our vacation to Portugal and dealing with the car stuff.
***** – This, too, is not uncommon. My only regret is that I wanted to propose to Dido’s Thank You rather than All You Want (Which is about a girl whose man leaves her – good tune though).
****** – While I do have a weird sense of humour, I would never joke about something like this.
******* – I can’t believe I didn’t have a reference to Dave in here!

Fig-tionary – November 14, 2005

jealoupus (Requested by TheresaWarriorPrincess)

  1. Function: adjective – Disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness specifically from creatures with more than two arms – Usage: Dave flew into a jealopus rage as the squid eyed his wife appreciatively.

*Remember, you can submit a request for a crazy definition for a typo by clicking here. You can read about the Fig-tionary here.