Conversations – Not Just For Daves and Jorges Anymore
I submit to you a conversation from MSN Messenger held with one Handsome B. Wonderful (Shellie‘s man).
He’s a cool guy. He’s also quite hilarious. We get on well together, as you will see.
Click the picture to enlarge…
UPDATE (03/07/2007): Due to a server error, the image was deleted. You’ll just have to imagine how funny it was.
Filed under: Friends, Humour, Spaces Archive | 14 Comments »
The Meeting
So, Friday rolled around, and I was curious as to how my meeting with Kris would go.
I was supposed to meet her in the lobby of the hotel she was staying at and then we were to go somewhere for drinks to be possibly joined by my wife.
With the help of a friend, I figured out a place where we could go, so all that had to be done was to meet her and head on over there.
I was supposed to meet her after work.
I had injured myself during Karate the day before, so it took longer to walk to places than normal. I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to reach there in my injured state, so I decided to leave a little earlier than I normally would have.
Stupid me ended up getting there way earlier than I calculated, so I settled into a seat in the lobby and worked on a future entry in my palm pilot.
I was probably there for about twenty minutes when I decided to get up and walk around.
It’s a good thing I did, because it turns out that Kris was sitting opposite where I was, and we would not have seen each other.
She waved and stood up. I gave her a hug, as I was genuinely glad to meet her.
We went to the pub that my friend had recommended.
The game was on.
Disclaimer
For those of you who are obsessed with conspiracy and evil, there was nothing going on here other than two e-friends meeting for drinks, munchies and general conversational goodness.
The expectations involved in getting together with a person with whom you have corresponded with via some form (other than standing in the same room chatting) are hard to pin down. On one hand, you don’t want to set yourself up for any rejection. Although, what you are being rejected about would be also odd to put your finger on.
Speaking for myself, I know that in situations like this I have a silly secret hope that the e-friendship will become something not so e.
It’s like how Pinocchio wanted to become a real boy when he really had no need. I mean, first of all, the guy was a living doll. He achieved so much more than any of his fellow puppets. Secondly, he didn’t really have to worry about much other than fire and termites. And yet, he wanted that extra step. He would sacrifice his partial invincibility to become a mushy walking sack of flesh. He wanted to make that leap of faith.
And so we meet with our fellow bloggers hoping to, at most, attain a new level of friendship. The very least we hope for is some short-term entertainment in the form of conversation.
So, What Happened?
I am a selfish bastard, so I will not go into too much detail regarding what the conversations were about.
Suffice to say that we got along like organic peanut butter and all-natural jam. She was what I expected her to be, and frankly, more.
It was not so much like meeting someone for the first time. It was more like catching up with an old friend. You might consider this somewhat cliché. Well, you can eat me, because that is what it was like.
We shared some wine, some munchies, and chatted like monkeys for the duration of the visit.
Originally, we had a two-and-a-half hour window in which to become acquainted and not kill each other. She had dinner plans with some colleagues, and I had a Halloween party to go to.
It turned out that her dinner plans were cancelled, so she had a lot more time to hang out.
This turned out to be cool, because my wife could meet us after her hair appointment, which is exactly what she did. In fact, they got along really well!
Even though I said I wouldn’t share too much of the conversation, some things are too good to keep to myself.
The Bluff
I had met Kris through Dave’s blog. If I remember correctly, I liked her comment and visited her blog. I commented on there, and challenged her in a counter-comment in Dave’s blog somehow (I think it had something to do with the five second rule or a misspelling of Naomi Watts).
Since that time, the three of us have visited and commented on each others blogs, and had a great time getting to know each other.
Naturally, it would have been even more awesome if Dave could have attended our evening out.
Alas, he resides in Ottawa, so a quick jaunt down the street was out of the question.
However, we did have the next best thing…
Kris: It’s really too bad Dave couldn’t make it out.
Jorge: Funny you should mention that. [Pulls out his cell phone] Let’s call Dave right now! [Dials number.]
Kris: You should tell him that I stood you up!
Jorge: What?
Kris: Tell him I stood you up! [Giggling.]
Jorge: Ok.
[Dave picks up.]
Dave: Hello?
Jorge: Dude.
Dave: Hey. So, how is she?
Jorge: [Trying to sound angry.] I’m still sitting in the lobby waiting.
Dave: What?
Jorge: I’ve been sitting here for an hour. I can’t believe she’s not here yet.
[Kris is laughing into her hands so as not to make noise.]
Dave: That totally sucks, dude.
Jorge: Tell me about it. I’m pretty pissed. I mean, you’d think she would have called or something.
Dave: Yeah.
Jorge: I mean, she said let’s meet at five in the lobby of the Sheraton. So here I am. I was even early for fuck’s sake.
Dave: Sorry, mano.
Jorge: And so, here I am in the lobby of the – Oh shit…
Dave: What?
Jorge: Dude, I’m in the wrong place.
Dave: What?
Jorge: I’m in the Hilton. I got confused because this is where she said she was originally going to meet me.
Dave: No way! Are you serious?
Jorge: No. [Laughs.] Here’s Kris…
[Jorge hands the phone over to Kris.]
Kris: So, Jorge tells me you thought I’d have a moustache…
Puntification
At the place we were eating at, there was a little card-flip thing with some menu highlights at the end of the table, against the wall. Kris found the It’s the Bomb! (Try our Bombay Chicken) card to be hilarious. I, on the other hand, thought it a groaner…
Kris: So what is Canadian food like?
Jorge: What do you mean?
Kris: I mean, what’s different up here than where I come from?
Jorge: It’s mostly the same thing.
Kris: Seriously? I mean, look at that! [Pointing at the card-flip thing.] That is awesome!
Jorge: That is the worst pun ever!
Kris: No way! Is that Canadian food? I wonder who thinks up puns like that?
Jorge: Probably some American person.
Kris: Don’t you be startin’, now.
Jorge: Yeah?
Kris: Yeah. Bring it!
Best Quote of the Night
In reference to Dave and I…
Why are you guys even married? You have each other!
Kris – Toronto – October 28, 2005
The Upshot
It was a great time. I would take a bullet for this gal, because she is so freakin’ awesome.
The Other Side of the Story
You can read the version packed with lies here.
Your Haiku, You Whiner
Sparkling blue eyes
With intelligence and wit
Jorge likey Mama
Filed under: Friends, Spaces Archive, Special Events | 16 Comments »
Dave and Jorge Talk About the Gunslinger
My friend Adrian got us onto the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. We even started a little role-playing server based on the series.
So, when Dave sent me this link, I was pretty stoked.
A Dark Tower comic series? By Jae Lee? Sign me up!
Of course we discussed it…
[Jorge & Dave are on the phone with each other, each scrolling through the site, looking at the propect of a new Dark Tower Series.]
Jorge: This looks really cool.
Dave: Check out the art. It’s freaking sweet.
Jorge: I could get into this.
Dave: Did you check out the art?
Jorge: Well, it’s Jae Lee. His stuff is amazing.
Dave: Yeah.
Jorge: Man, that’s all I need. Another series to buy.
Dave: [Laughs.]
Jorge: Do you think it’ll be worth getting?
Dave: It does look pretty sweet.
Jorge: Will you be getting it?
Dave: I was just planning on reading yours.
Jorge: Bastard.
Dave: [Laughs.]
Jorge: Definitely blogging this.
Dave: Nice.
Jorge: Well, it’s cool because I have something to write about now.
Dave: Yeah?
Jorge: Yeah. You provide the inspiration, man. You are my sunshine.
Dave: Awww. That’s nice.
Jorge: You are my own personal leprachaun.
Dave: Er…Okay.
Jorge: You are one of the shoemaker’s faeries.
Dave: Don’t blog that.
It was only as I typed this that I remembered that it’s the Shoemaker’s Elves. I am such a sofa king*.
A Hero Lives Here.
Josephine was nice enough to make me my own superhero picture. So I figured the least I could do was appear on Oprah…
[Scene fades to Oprah, sitting on her chair. The theme music and applause slowly fade away.]
Oprah: My next guest is a recently created superhero. He’s a nice guy who rights wrongs, and saves kittens from trees. Please welcome Gunshield!
[Gunshield walks in, looking uncomfortable, puts down his shield and gun to awkardly hug Oprah, picks them up and then takes a seat.]
Oprah: Hi Gunshield, thanks for being on our show!
Gunshield: [Looking around, smiling broadly.] Hi Oprah! Thanks for having me on your show! It’s weird being here.
Oprah: Really?
Gunshield: Well, I don’t really feel like a celebrity.
Oprah: Why not? I mean, you are a hero. Heroes need to be admired and given air time to express their views.
Gunshield: I suppose so. A lot of people don’t like how I do things. I’m still pretty new, so it’s been tough.
Oprah: Nice gun by the way.
Gunshield: [Looking down and then turning red.] I knew this costume was too tight…
Oprah: [Taken aback.] Er…I was referring to your firearm.
Gunshield: [Putting shield on lap.] Oh! Uh…Geez. Sorry.
Oprah: [Looks nervously at camera crew.] That’s ok. So what kind of powers do you have?
Gunshield: Well, I do have the ability to fly. I’m invulnerable to harm. I can run very fast and have unbelievable strength. I also can shoot beams from my eyes.
Oprah: Really?
Gunshield: Yeah. The beams thing is something I don’t use, though. I get too many splinters under my eyelids.
Oprah: Oookay….So…why do you have a gun and shield?
Gunshield: Because they’re cool! I use the shield as my own extra large plate when going to the buffet lines in restaurants. You wouldn’t believe how much soup I can get in this thing. Besides, Flying-Invulnerable-Fast-Strong-Beameyes-Man sounds stupid.
Oprah: So, earlier you referred to your methods being questionable. What did you mean by that?
Gunshield: There was a cat in a tree. And it would not come down. And I didn’t really want to touch the cat, because the owner said it had fleas. So I put my shield down on the ground under the branch where the cat was sitting, and took aim…
Oprah: You shot at the cat?
Gunshield: Well, I tried to shoot the branch, so it would fall and I could catch the cat in the shield. But I am kinda new at it…
Oprah: What happened?
Gunshield: I hit the cat. [Audience gasps.] Kidding!
Oprah: That’s a relief.
Gunshield: I actually hit a bird. It was pretty bad there were feathers ev-MMPH!
Oprah: [Putting her hand on Gunshield’s mouth.] Well, that’s all the time we have for today…
Poor, poor Gunshield…
Meeting Kris!
Today I get to meet Kris.
If I don’t report back by Monday, please call the authorities.
I wore my titanium cup today, in case she really is a cyborg that hates men.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read this.
* – This refers to the wonderful little prank you play on people, where you get them to read these words: I AM WE TODD DID. I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID.
Filed under: Friends, Humour, Spaces Archive | 10 Comments »
Don’t Judge a Book…
So another gigantic lottery has come and gone.
Some lucky person has walked away with over fifty million dollars.
I received a scratch card from an insurance company in the mail yesteday. I didn’t bother to do anything with it at the time, so I brought it to work this morning with me.
I settled down, had some breakfast and took a gander at the card.
I scratched the card with my fork to reveal what I thought would be a try again or a better luck next time kind of message.
Instead, the following message was revealed…
GETAWAY
My heart skipped a beat.
I looked inside the card and read the message that said a vacation prize was up for grabs. A vaction prize worth up to six thousand dollars.
I began to sweat.
I logged into the website indicated on the card to see what I needed to do. It prompted me for a bunch of information, which I promptly filled out. After I submitted this data, a form popped up again, prompting me to enter the code word from the scratch card.
I typed in the word GETAWAY and prepared for my prize…
SORRY, THIS CODE WORD IS INVALID. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
Yes.
So, I’m in a great mood now.
Bring on the junk mail!
A Meeting of the Minds
Tomorrow, I meet the Kris: blog celebrity and woman-about-town.
Dave and I always talk about how we have so many awesome bloggers on our links pages, and about how we would feel if we ever met them.
Admittedly (between the two of us), there are a number of stomach-butterfly-inducing scenarios revolving around meeting fellow bloggers
This may be one of them.
Kris recently met up with four other bloggers just a short while ago and had a great time. This just serves to increase the pressure on our get-together tomorrow night. I worry that I might come off as the human equivalent of Pablum*.
To combat this unease, I find it helpful to run through some scenarios in my mind before any meeting, be it work-related or non work-related.
Let’s see what we can see…
Scenario 1 – Jorge Loses His Comedic Timing
[Jorge walks into the meeting place where Kris specified. Jorge recognizes her and casually walks up. He’s feeling a little nervous. Kris stands up and smiles.]
Kris: Jorge? Nice to meet you!
Jorge: [His face twitches.] Your mama.
Kris: Huh?
Jorge: You wish!
Kris: Are you all right? You’re not making sense.
Jorge: [Giggling madly.] Cheque please.
Scenario 2 – Jorge Tries too Hard
[Jorge walks into the meeting place where Kris specified. Jorge recognizes her and casually walks up. He’s feeling a little nervous. He wanted to demonstrate all aspects of his personality to make a good impression. With this in mind, he decided to wear a three-piece suit, a fedora, a Superman cape and no shoes.]
Jorge: [Walking up to Kris.] Hi. You must be Kris.
Kris: [Shocked at his appearance. Fumbling words.] Pardon? I think you have me confused for someone else.
Jorge: [Removing his hat and scratching his head.] Well, you sure look like her. You’re even wearing the same clothes she said she’d be wearing.
Kris: [Hesitation gone now.] Nope. She left. She told me to tell you that she had to go home now. [To waiter.] Cheque Please!
Scenario 3 – The Unexpected
[Jorge walks into the meeting place where Kris specified. Jorge recognizes her and casually walks up. He’s feeling a little nervous. Kris stands up and takes the initiative.]
Kris: Are you Jorge?
Jorge: [Smiling.] Yes! Hi Kris. Nice to meet you! [Extends hand in greeting.]
Kris: [Takes Jorge’s hand. Squeezes with crushing force, causing Jorge to drop to his knees.] I have been sent from the future to kill you.
Jorge: [Wincing in pain.] WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
[Suddenly, several shots are fired. Kris loosens her grip as she has just been shot in the head. Jorge gawks. Kris’ head is splayed out in all directions, but slowly flowing back to re-form. A woman runs up, smoking gun in hand, and pulls Jorge away from the assassin. Jorge looks at his rescuer and sees…the real Kris!]
The Real Kris: [Looking at Jorge inquisitively.] Are you Jorge?
Jorge: [Rubbing the pain out of his crushed hand.] Yeah. What’s going on here?
The Real Kris: Come with me if you want to live.
Wow. The more scenarios I come up with, the more fun it seems this will be!
In all seriousness, I believe it will be a great time. It’s always fun meeting new folks, especially ones you sort of know from their writing (Ian & James – You guys rock. Jay – you are next!). I really enjoy reading Kris‘ work, and so I have a great deal of respect for her**.
I’ll post about it over the weekend if I can. Otherwise, it will be Monday.
* – Insult courtesy of Dave. He thought this up just for me.
** – Do yourself a favour and go read her blog! You’ll know what I’m talking about when you do.
Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 17 Comments »
Best Friend. Worst Influence
I am the king of idiots.
I suppose that should be capitalized…
Make that the King of Idiots, or Ye Olde Kinge of Idiotse.
When I was a child, I had a ridiculously high IQ (or so people tell me).
Then, I discovered beer and I set the record for degradation of IQ score. Consequently, I always end up getting myself into stupid situations because I can’t keep my mouth shut.
My good friends know that I will pretty much do anything if they dare me or make fun of me. Probably a throwback to childhood when people would make fun of me but I couldn’t actually do anything about it.
Here are some examples…
I was visiting Tien a few years ago, and his dad has an awesome sense of humour. His dad also knew that we’re mildly competitive with each other.
We were sitting in their living room and talking about mowing lawns…
Jorge: Is your backyard very big?
Tien’s Dad: Big enough. You know, Tien can cut the grass in fifteen minutes. That’s pretty fast.
Jorge: [Leaning out of his chair and checking out the lawn.] Really?
[Everyone laughs because they know Jorge is wondering if he could cut it faster.]
Here is another instance from a few weeks ago at Tien’s Stag. We were eating at Schwartz’s in Montréal. They have a combo that is essentially gigantic, and I wasn’t sure if I could eat it or not. I asked everyone what they were having…
Jorge: Tien, what are you having?
Tien: Number Six. Schwartz’s Combo.
Jorge: What about you, mano?
Dave: I don’t know. I’m hungry, but I’m not sure if- What the hell. I’ll have number six.
Jorge: I’m not sure if I want that combo. I mean, a nice smoked meat sandwich could hit the spot.
Dave: Well, that’s ok. You can eat what you want. You don’t have to get the number six [Looking down and smirking.].
Jorge: Bastard.
Of course, I ordered the Schwartz’s combo. It was good, but I think I offset the orbit of the Earth after eating that meal.
Fast forward to last week when Dave wrote this entry. He mentioned the National Novel Writing Month contest. Essentially, one has to write a novel in a month (at least 50000 words).
I almost dismissed this until I read this line at the end of the entry…
What do you think? Tell me what to do. And if you’ve got the yarbles, suffer with me.
I am such an idiot.
Of course I agreed to join him. And I actually might only have 3 weeks to do it if my wife and I end up going on vacation at the end of November.
This is like a 200-page Schwartz’s combo.
Let’s hope I can get through it.
ROTK LOL (Skip this if you are not the least bit geeky)
So, nerd that I am, I invited some friends over to watch Lord of the Rings: Return of the King on Saturday afternoon.
These types of events are usually chock full of good food and drinks. Yesterday was no exception.
I got to meet James, which was awesome. I MSN with him every now and then (sounds kinky), and so I know him in that respect. Now I can put a face to the typing, and he’s a pretty cool guy.
He lives just North of my friend Dave (not Dave but the other one), who was also coming down for the movie, but lacks vehicular mobility.
Rather than have Dave taking the not-so-reliable public transit system, I asked James if he could pick Dave up.
That must have been interesting*…
[Doorbell rings. Dave opens door.]
James: Hi. I’m looking for Dave.
Dave: That’s me! You must be James.
James Yup! Ready to go?
Dave: Yes I am!
[Dave grabs his coat and his contribution to the potluck and they get in James’ car.]
Dave: So, are you a friend of Jorge’s?
James: Not really. You are, though, right?
Dave: Yeah. Um…Do you know him very well?
James: Not really.
Dave: Am I safe? Or should I jump out of the car now?
They seemed to have hit it off, though, as they weren’t trying to kill each other when I answered the door.
A few more people arrived and we settled in to watch the flick. The movie is longer than four hours, so we made sure to bring all of the food with us into the living room, so as to minimize disruption.
When I watch movies with my good friends, one of two scenarios happen…
Dave and I were quiet, but James started off and people started laughing. Once that happened, the floodgates opened and Dave and I set the commentary party ablaze (acutally, everyone had some hilarious lines).
I would have to say the best line was during a scene where Sauron’s Army marches forth from Minas Morgul. The Witch King of Angmar is flying on his fell beast over the canyon, where the road to the Black Gate is packed totally solid.
As the Nazgul flew over the army, Dave said…
Traffic is currently backed up all the way to Minas Morgul!
We all burst out laughing hysterically.
Positivity Needed. Apply Within.
A friend of mine is going through a tough time right now.
I don’t feel comfortable writing about the situation, out of respect for my friend. It’s nothing evil. It’s just a very sad event. If you have any spare positive thoughts/energy/prayers that you can send my way, I’ll pass them on.
If you know who I am talking about, please don’t mention names in the comments.
Due to my hero complex, I feel utterly helpless in situations like this.
* – This conversation is entirely ficticious.
Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 16 Comments »
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