USS Spam


More junk mail has been piling up. Surely I must have done something horrible in a previous life to warrant such attention from these evil folk.

Last time, I wrote these odd spam names into an office scenario.

This time, I think I will change the setting to a naval vessel.

Let’s see what happens…

Concatenated H. Flagstaff – Admiral Flagstaff is one of the most successful men in the navy. He’s won more battles than any other tactician in history. The only problem he’s ever had was when he took a shot to the crotch from an errant golf ball, destroying his manhood. He has since undergone several operations to regain his once mighty member. You will find him at the helm of his aircraft carrier: The USS Spam

Technician B. Muskett – Muskett is the gearhead of the aircraft carrier. When not working on inspecting and reparing aircraft, you will find him below decks, trying to create the most elaborate beer-drinking device since the dual-can hat with two straws. Admiral Flagstaff can count on Muskett to solve the technical problems of the ship.

Shape M. Pompadoured – Shape is second in command on the USS Spam. She is tougher than Flagstaff in many ways. She is physically intimidating, as she is in exceptional physical condition. She also towers over everyone, choosing to wear her lenghty hair completely up in the front. Ace Ventura has nothing on Shape. Drop and give her twenty!

Modifying S. Alkaline – Moddie spends most of her time tinkering around with the ship’s nuclear generator. You can see her puttering around in her goggles in the bowels of the ship. She doesn’t really say all that much. She’s a slippery character, sliding through life like a bar of soap, avoiding all duties she deems unnecessary so that she can be with her beloved power source.

Deliberated O. Brooches – Deliberated is the head cook and special advisor to the Admiral. He has seen action long before anyone on this ship had graduated from high school. A peek into his closet will reveal a coat covered in glimmering pins and medals. Most people call him Deli for short because he makes mean sandwiches. But Admiral Flagstaff knows that he is much more than that.

Cameo J. Oblongs – Cameo is seen about the ship far less than Moddie. She is the ship’s medic. She’s top in her field, administering care to those who need it. However, she does this via Post-It notes because she is extremely shy of her long nose and gangly arms. Most people on the ship who have ever been sick will find a bottle of pills that magically takes care of the problem without ever even stepping into the sick bay. Come to think of it, no one knows where the sick bay is…

Negatived L. Returned – Neg is the eyes and ears of the ship. Bouncing radar and sonar off of the surrounding area, he reads the signs on the scopes and lets the Admiral know what’s going down on and in the great big sea. Not too much escapes his attention. Not too much escapes his sardonic with and pessimism either. The Admiral must really appreciate Neg’s skills at observation, otherwise this sourpuss would get the old heave-ho.

And so, the USS Spam sails the seven seas, looking for adventure.

Feel free to e-mail me if you have suggestions for what kind of story the next volley of spam-influenced characters should be involved in.