Short and Sweet

I was just on Reay‘s site reading one of his rants.

It’s about junk mail, and how some of us put up signs that inform the bearers of this plague that we don’t want any.

And yet, these dorks still put junk in our mailboxes.

I have a simple 4-step plan to remedy this. If we all did it, there would be less junk mail.

Observe…

  1. Put all your junk mail in a bag after one month
  2. Reach in and pick out a random piece of junk mail (lottery style)
  3. Make note of the address on the piece of junk mail you pulled out of the bag
  4. Take all your junk mail from the bag and deposit it in their mailbox


Revenge can be simple and awesome.

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Man About Town

In the spirit of having a title that doesn’t really refer to the body of the message, my dialogue today will have nothing to do with what I wrote as the header. You can thank Shatton for this. He’s a bad influence.

I was trying to figure out what to write today, as there are several things that are on my mind. Of course, in times of need, I turn to Shatton, who had a bunch of headers embedded in his Blog. He is a genius.



Superdickery

Albert sent me this site over MSN the other night when we were chatting. It is the funniest site I’ve come across in a long time. And what is funnier is that my mom owns a good portion of the comic books contained in that site.

When we were kids, my mom bought a big box of comics for us to read. I remember distinctly wondering why the covers of the books were so stupid. I suppose that the comic book industry was trying to get a broad range of people to enter the fold, so they started publishing whatever they could. Seriously, though, if these were published today, there would be plenty of lawsuits flying around.



Abreast – Not the Good Kind

One thing that really gets my goat are those people who like to walk like an army along the sidewalk. You know the kind. They stand shoulder to shoulder taking up the whole sidewalk, and march forward, blabbing on and on and not paying any attention the fact that some poor old lady has just climbed up a tree to get out of their sidewalk-hogging-way.

My new streategy is to treat this like a game of “Red Rover”. I will essentially stick to my route, and not really deviate very much (I tend to walk on the right side of the sidewalk, relative to the direction I am facing). Most people move out of the way.

Stupid people don’t. So they get knocked about like tenpins.

I love when people who get upset about this. They confront me about the fact that I got in their way. I usually politely remind them that the sidewalk is for everyone, and that they should pay more attention and walk in a more reasonable formation, so as not to take up so much room.

Some apologize. This is nice. On the other hand, some people just grumble to themselves, insisting that they have the right to block up the sidewalk.

There is a name for this type of person. My friend Christian shared it with me. The name is ass-cube.



Treated Like Crap

At the place where I work, we have something called “Treat Day”. Every payday, one of four teams brings in treats for people. I remember when I moved to this location, and people had heard that I liked to cook. They were very quick to tell me that it was always better when people brought in home-made stuff, rather than store-bought stuff.

I agreed with them. Nothing is worse than the person that shows up to a potluck (that has been specified as being a home-made goods potluck) with 2 bags of chips or something. The exception to this is if they had a reasonable excuse. You know. Things like…


  • My power was off all night
  • I was abducted by aliens and was probed, and quite liked it


The night before my first Treat Day, I made spring rolls. Filipino-style. From scratch (I didn’t make the Lumpia paper from scratch, but I do know how). I made one hundred of the two-inch long little treats. Pork. Shrimp. Water chestnuts. A whack of ingredients all hand diced and lovingly deep fried in groups of 6.

I really loves showing up to the potluck with my homemade treat, only to see a container of Kirkland cookies from Costco. What effort that must have taken!

Jackasses.

Effort-Less

I study Karate (Goju-Ryu for those who know a little bit more than the average bear). I find it to be a great form of self defence, exercise, and mental development.

I also study Capoeira (A brazillian ‘martial art’). It teaches you flexibility and flow, as well as music and rhythm.

I used to study several other martial arts that I will not bother going into, as it will take a while to describe each of them properly (my descriptions for the two listed above are very brief, at best).

Martial Arts, though beneficial for so many reasons, is not right for everyone. For some, it is religious beliefs. For others, it is their hesitation due to what they believe to be lack of ability. There are even folks who just don’t want to due to lack of interest.

My wife, for example, is not one of these people. She has flat out refused to want anything to do with martial arts, and that’s fine. She’s honest about it. Mind you, this won’t stop me from periodically trying to subtly sell her the idea….



Jorge: So, want to do Karate?
Mrs. J:
No.
Jorge:
Are you sure? It’s awesome. You should do Karate.
Mrs. J:
[Getting irritated.] No!
Jorge:
Come on, I’ll be your best friend. Come on and do Karate!
Mrs. J:
[Without hesitation delivers unholy beating to Jorge which no Martial Art can defend, then walks away.]
Jorge:
[Lying in a broken heap, weakly raising his index finger.] Are you sure?


There are two types of people that bug me when it comes to not wanting to do Martial Arts.

The first type of people that bug me are those who are just afraid of trying new things in general, and yet, don’t express this. Instead, they choose to come up with all kinds of excusues.

My favourite excuse usually goes something like this…


Person: Hey Jorge.
Jorge:
Yo.
Person:
How is Karate going?
Jorge:
It’s going well.
Person:
Oh that’s great! I’ve always thought about Karate.
Jorge:
Really? The dojo I attend is awesome. Even if you don’t go to that one, though, you should still consider it. It’s good for you.
Person:
Yeah. I don’t know. I’m not really in good enough shape for it. I’d rather take an aerobics class first so that I can be in good enough shape for Karate…..
Jorge:
[Pulls out his own eyes and pours Sulfuric Acid into the sockets, melting his own brain in disbelief.]


What kind of logic is this? I mean, I can understand taking an aerobics class to supplement the Karate would be a great thing. Karate isn’t always the best aerobic workout. However, Karate is exercise. If you go to Karate (or any other martial art), your fitness level will improve by just doing that art!

Usually these same sorts of people give the same excuse if you were to ask them if they are going to attend that aerobics class…


Jorge: [With newly regenerated brain and eyes.] So did you ever make it to that aerobics class?
Person: No. I’m not in good enough shape yet to go to an aerobics class.
Jorge: [Runs screaming out of the conversation.]


The second type that bother me are the people who want the most amount of return from Martial Arts for a minimal amount of work. These people come up with all kinds of excuses as well.

These are the folks that watch Jackie Chan movies and want to do all the moves, yet they don’t take the time to even think about how much effort those moves take.

In my old Capoeira academy, there were a couple of guys that saw a movie called Only the Strong. The movie itself isn’t all that great, but it has some nice movements in it. Not to mention Marc Dacascos, who is pretty cool. Anyhow, these guys came to class hoping to be able to duplicate some of the crazy stunts from the movie.

Of course, they didn’t take into account the fact that they would need to spend every class doing drills and stretching and learning the rules of the Art before they could even think of doing the moves from the movie. Once they found this out, they didn’t enjoy it so much anymore.

It wasn’t as if they didn’t like Capoeira. They just didn’t want to do the work. A lot of people these days are all about instant gratification (I am guilty of this when it comes to buying crap like DVDs) and the easy way out. They can’t handle the wait or the work to achieve the desired result.

So they did what any lazy person would do: they gave up.

I wonder if they went to aerobics class instead…

WTHITA?*******

I am going to hell.

My online english has become atrocious, and I continuously violate the sanctity of the written word in day-to-day e-mails and MSN Messenger.

It’s bad enough that I am met with blank stares from people when I tell them that I have a blog*. But I’ve been catching myself using abbreviated non-words to represent actual words, because, sadly, it’s just faster.

Or maybe I’m just getting lazy.

It all started with the abbreviated text in chat rooms and messenger programs:

Things like LOL**, ROTFLMAO***, HCIFTATFS****.

I remember using them for the first time back in university. I remember how convenient they were to use, and how much they sped up the conversation. Now I have become an abuser, and have taken my crimes to whole new levels. I have started using emoticons as a substitute for words.

For example…



Dave‘s Email: Hey Manus! How was your evening?
Jorge’s Response:
πŸ˜€


Or…



Shatton‘s E-mail: Jorge! Holy crap! What did you think of that BFME game last night?
Jorge’s Response:
😯


And even…



Reay‘s E-mail: Jorge. How would I get from Union Station to the Airport using the TTC? Do you know which station I would have to transfer at? And do you know which bus I would need to catch?
Jorge’s Response:
πŸ™„
Reay‘s Response: Thanks for nothing, Ass-Hat
Shatton‘s Response:
What are you talking about? It’s so obvious!

(My friend Suzy actually pointed out that I usually finish off every other line in MSN Messenger with a :). I have since gone to therapy to try and solve this problem.)


I’ve become the propagator of online idiocy. The lazy person’s way of communicating. This is not really very good.

What’s worse is that my e-sloth is constantly evolving. I have (as I mentioned before) started using non-words to represent real ones based on how they sound. Non-words like ‘prolly (probably) and mebbe (maybe – which makes no sense, as they contain the same number of letters) have started to infiltrate my dialogue on the net.

The funny thing is that when it comes to profanity, I will usually type out my expletives in full. In fact, I will even add letters to them, or run several together as one word to express my mood. Seventeen exclamation marks after a particularly good swear is not unheard of. So, not only am I lazy in the wrong area of communicating, but I have successfully managed to trip the alarms on all kinds of Spam Alert applications. My friend Reay has created an equation for this…



((H*E)^b)/(((BFME+A)*poo)/B) = S

Where


  • H = how often Jorge replies

  • E = Jorge’s replies of just emoticons

  • b = brown

  • BFME = Number of times Jorge has played Battle For Middle-Earth

  • A = Number of times Jorge has played Academy

  • poo = poo

  • B = Number of times Jorge has played Battlefront

  • S = The % likelihood the message will be SpamBlokkr2000(TM)-trapped e-mail

(Please note that Reay is not a mathematician)



You know things are not good when people are making equations out of your habits*****. I guess we’ll have to see what happens to me on this crazy road to perdition that I have chosen. At least my entries on my blog are written in full. Right?

Ah well.

πŸ˜‰******





* – blog – Web Log. A frequent publication of personal thoughts.
** – LOL – Laugh Out Loud
*** – ROTFLMAO – Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off
**** – HCIFTATFS – Holy Crap I Forgot To Add The Fabric Softener
***** – REAY = BEDWETTER
****** – πŸ˜‰ – Van Hammersly
******* – WTHITA? – What The Hell Is This About?

Genetalia Gets Out of Hand. Cleanup in Aisle Three. More at Eleven.

Nothing makes a blog more popular than genitalia.

Well, at least it appears so from my Valentine’s Day entry. Considering I never mentioned anything overtly related to genitalia, I think that is quite an amazing feat. I wonder what would happen if I actually wrote about genitalia. Weird.

However, today’s rant is about the NHL, which has just kicked a lot of season’s pass holders in the genitalia.

I really don’t understand some people. First of all, they whine about how much hockey players get paid. And then when the hockey players are called on it, and denied an opportunity to play, these same people whine about how there is no hockey. Again, this doesn’t apply to all hockey fans. But it does apply to a good number of them

It’s entertaining that people complain during teacher strikes about how teachers are spoiled because they work only three quarters of the year and get a decent pension and summer vacations. Yet some of these same people think hockey players do not get a fair shake. Um….Yeah….

In general, professional sports are overrated. Seriously.

Does a person REALLY need to get paid millions of dollars to have fun? I mean, if this is the case, then maybe I should become a professional Jedi Academy or Battle for Middle Earth Player.

Not to mention the fact that the NHL (among other professional leagues) is not (in my opinion) the greatest place for kids to look for role models. I mean, you have conspiracy, assault, drunken antics, and that’s not even naming half of the crap that goes on.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s a good thing for rabid fans to cool their jets for this season. It might bring things into perspective.  Perhaps amateur sports would make entertainment.  There is more heart there.

Just think that those unfortunate professional hockey players are not getting paid their normal salary. The poor chaps are are getting merely $8000 to $10000 a month for doing nothing now.

Nice…

Another Hallmark Event Passed – And a Recommendation

So, Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Or as my PhD friend calls it, “Made-Up Day”.

I was sitting with my wife for a nice dinner out last night, when I told her that I didn’t really believe in Valentine’s Day. She understandably looked a little shocked, as I am an aspiring romantic, and admittedly enjoy things that would prompt other guys to label me “a sissy” (The last label they would ever give, I might add).

It is true, though, that I don’t really believe in it. In my opinion, Valentine’s Day should not just be limited to one day. And by Valentine’s Day I mean, of course, the non-commercial aspect of it. Yes, I like to buy cards (or make them if I can), and yes, I like to buy flowers. However, I don’t really need a reason for these.

Why am I writing this? One would think that my intentions are to make you think I am cooler than I actually am (which would be an outright lie. I could never make anyone believe that I am actually cooler). In reality, it’s just a reminder to share good experiences with those you care about. Valentine’s Day is great for this because restaurants go out of their way to make things more romantic, and they also step away from their standard fare. I like this. It’s like a one-day Winterlicious.

Once in a while, I will drop the names of some great places to eat. Now, it goes without saying that my opinion of these places is just that: my opinion. So if you go, and have a bad time, please don’t blame me. You can feel free to leave comments here so that other people can judge whether or not they would like to go based on the opinions of more than just one person.

Last night, we went to a restaurant called Merlot. It is located on Bloor St W just East of Royal York Rd. It is a nice French place in The Kingsway. The meal experience there is the opposite of the one that we had at Bloom. The atmosphere is relaxed, and the staff are very nice. The food is out of this world.

We tend to celebrate special events in our lives there, because it rocks.

Let me know if you would like directions.

Zing!

Every so often I’ll hear or say something that everyone thinks is funny. Maybe you will think these thigns are funny, too! Or, maybe you won’t. Either way, I’ll post them here, and maybe people will laugh.

This little exchange happened yesterday. The setting is our local watering hole….



Guy: I am an artist in the bedroom.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yes. My canvas is my bed.
Jorge: Yeah, but your medium is urine, so what does that tell you?

Other Guy: NICE! Best…line…ever…