I am going to hell.

My online english has become atrocious, and I continuously violate the sanctity of the written word in day-to-day e-mails and MSN Messenger.

It’s bad enough that I am met with blank stares from people when I tell them that I have a blog*. But I’ve been catching myself using abbreviated non-words to represent actual words, because, sadly, it’s just faster.

Or maybe I’m just getting lazy.

It all started with the abbreviated text in chat rooms and messenger programs:

Things like LOL**, ROTFLMAO***, HCIFTATFS****.

I remember using them for the first time back in university. I remember how convenient they were to use, and how much they sped up the conversation. Now I have become an abuser, and have taken my crimes to whole new levels. I have started using emoticons as a substitute for words.

For example…

Dave‘s Email: Hey Manus! How was your evening?
Jorge’s Response:


Shatton‘s E-mail: Jorge! Holy crap! What did you think of that BFME game last night?
Jorge’s Response:

And even…

Reay‘s E-mail: Jorge. How would I get from Union Station to the Airport using the TTC? Do you know which station I would have to transfer at? And do you know which bus I would need to catch?
Jorge’s Response:
Reay‘s Response: Thanks for nothing, Ass-Hat
Shatton‘s Response:
What are you talking about? It’s so obvious!

(My friend Suzy actually pointed out that I usually finish off every other line in MSN Messenger with a :). I have since gone to therapy to try and solve this problem.)

I’ve become the propagator of online idiocy. The lazy person’s way of communicating. This is not really very good.

What’s worse is that my e-sloth is constantly evolving. I have (as I mentioned before) started using non-words to represent real ones based on how they sound. Non-words like ‘prolly (probably) and mebbe (maybe – which makes no sense, as they contain the same number of letters) have started to infiltrate my dialogue on the net.

The funny thing is that when it comes to profanity, I will usually type out my expletives in full. In fact, I will even add letters to them, or run several together as one word to express my mood. Seventeen exclamation marks after a particularly good swear is not unheard of. So, not only am I lazy in the wrong area of communicating, but I have successfully managed to trip the alarms on all kinds of Spam Alert applications. My friend Reay has created an equation for this…

((H*E)^b)/(((BFME+A)*poo)/B) = S


  • H = how often Jorge replies

  • E = Jorge’s replies of just emoticons

  • b = brown

  • BFME = Number of times Jorge has played Battle For Middle-Earth

  • A = Number of times Jorge has played Academy

  • poo = poo

  • B = Number of times Jorge has played Battlefront

  • S = The % likelihood the message will be SpamBlokkr2000(TM)-trapped e-mail

(Please note that Reay is not a mathematician)

You know things are not good when people are making equations out of your habits*****. I guess we’ll have to see what happens to me on this crazy road to perdition that I have chosen. At least my entries on my blog are written in full. Right?

Ah well.


* – blog – Web Log. A frequent publication of personal thoughts.
** – LOL – Laugh Out Loud
*** – ROTFLMAO – Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off
**** – HCIFTATFS – Holy Crap I Forgot To Add The Fabric Softener
****** – 😉 – Van Hammersly
******* – WTHITA? – What The Hell Is This About?

17 Responses

  1. hahhaha, i have the same problem!!! my main one is the damn emoticons…i have a sick, sick obsession with them, they are like my little people that can express my every thought, feeling…oh dear…we really are developing serious issues due to this damn blogging!!!!

  2. *********Shaun

    Great entry! I’m suprised you got off your lazy ass and actually wrote something 😉

  3. “me fail English? Thats unpossible!” – Ralph Wiggum

  4. Dude–best entry ever.

    I think emoticons are about to take off large in the corporate world. Their ambigious meaning makes for a great ass-covering technique.

    “I don’t care how much money the firm lost, clearly you didn’t understand my recommendation. That wasn’t a regular smiley, it was a winking smiley–any four year-old knows what that means. You’ve got an MBA and you can’t even understand a goddamn winking smiley?!?”

  5. yep! add me! i added you too!

    and u don’t get what? the guestbook idea? or the buddy’s comment?

  6. We are all obsessed and have the same problem to some degree. I have a problem with using “lol” every other word. Sometimes I just use it as a filler when I have nothing to say in response to someone Im chatting with on messenger. This post reminds me of a time when my mother sent me an email and had a list of “internet slang” that she wanted me to explain to her.

  7. dude, that black cat in the pic looks like my old cat

  8. Funny, Jorge, becuase I have seen this in my conversations with you as well. I resisted the use of emoticons for many years, except 🙂 and ;-), but alas I too have been sucked into the vortex of emoticons. Funny that an ugly little icon is taking the place of us actually expressing our emotions.

  9. And how about those winks & the nudge in MSN 7? Again, my mother (god love her) has over used these during our conversations. I had to resort to telling her to start calling me on the phone to avoid this.

  10. d00d u r teh h4x0rz \/\/1t|-| /\/\4D 5k1ll5

    j00 pwn t|-|3 1/\/73r/\/37

    i ph33r j00r 1337/\/355

  11. I’m not big on shortening my words, I am a long-winded woman, and a writer at heart. That being said, online I do use the 🙂 more often than I’d like to admit, primarily because I am so sarcastic, and when I say something like, “Jorge, you’re so dumb”, you would think I’m just being mean because you can’t hear the tone of my voice. If I type “Jorge, you’re so dumb :)” then you’d get that I was joking. Right? Let’s hope so.

  12. I don’t think your messages getting blocked by our SpamBlokkr2000(TM) is because of the emoticons, Jorge. I suspect it more has something to do with the BROADENING, LENGTHENING PENIS POWDER you’re always promoting. Or that other one for SEX SEX SEX SEX HOT WET YOUNG LATINA WOMEN LARGE BREASTS PORN SEX SEX SEX SEX.

    If you want to stop getting caught up in the anti-spam software at my work, I’d advise you to take both of those out of your automated signature.

  13. Hei! luogo che interessante avete fatto, ben cotto!

  14. Interessando, luogo abbastanza luminoso, penso +5

  15. Wow.
    Turn your back for a second and Spanish AD&D players show up.

  16. […] In books they work well because you don’t have to use a scrollbar to read them. Car accidents like this can give you carpal tunnel […]

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