I am going to hell.

My online english has become atrocious, and I continuously violate the sanctity of the written word in day-to-day e-mails and MSN Messenger.

It’s bad enough that I am met with blank stares from people when I tell them that I have a blog*. But I’ve been catching myself using abbreviated non-words to represent actual words, because, sadly, it’s just faster.

Or maybe I’m just getting lazy.

It all started with the abbreviated text in chat rooms and messenger programs:

Things like LOL**, ROTFLMAO***, HCIFTATFS****.

I remember using them for the first time back in university. I remember how convenient they were to use, and how much they sped up the conversation. Now I have become an abuser, and have taken my crimes to whole new levels. I have started using emoticons as a substitute for words.

For example…

Dave‘s Email: Hey Manus! How was your evening?
Jorge’s Response:


Shatton‘s E-mail: Jorge! Holy crap! What did you think of that BFME game last night?
Jorge’s Response:

And even…

Reay‘s E-mail: Jorge. How would I get from Union Station to the Airport using the TTC? Do you know which station I would have to transfer at? And do you know which bus I would need to catch?
Jorge’s Response:
Reay‘s Response: Thanks for nothing, Ass-Hat
Shatton‘s Response:
What are you talking about? It’s so obvious!

(My friend Suzy actually pointed out that I usually finish off every other line in MSN Messenger with a :). I have since gone to therapy to try and solve this problem.)

I’ve become the propagator of online idiocy. The lazy person’s way of communicating. This is not really very good.

What’s worse is that my e-sloth is constantly evolving. I have (as I mentioned before) started using non-words to represent real ones based on how they sound. Non-words like ‘prolly (probably) and mebbe (maybe – which makes no sense, as they contain the same number of letters) have started to infiltrate my dialogue on the net.

The funny thing is that when it comes to profanity, I will usually type out my expletives in full. In fact, I will even add letters to them, or run several together as one word to express my mood. Seventeen exclamation marks after a particularly good swear is not unheard of. So, not only am I lazy in the wrong area of communicating, but I have successfully managed to trip the alarms on all kinds of Spam Alert applications. My friend Reay has created an equation for this…

((H*E)^b)/(((BFME+A)*poo)/B) = S


  • H = how often Jorge replies

  • E = Jorge’s replies of just emoticons

  • b = brown

  • BFME = Number of times Jorge has played Battle For Middle-Earth

  • A = Number of times Jorge has played Academy

  • poo = poo

  • B = Number of times Jorge has played Battlefront

  • S = The % likelihood the message will be SpamBlokkr2000(TM)-trapped e-mail

(Please note that Reay is not a mathematician)

You know things are not good when people are making equations out of your habits*****. I guess we’ll have to see what happens to me on this crazy road to perdition that I have chosen. At least my entries on my blog are written in full. Right?

Ah well.


* – blog – Web Log. A frequent publication of personal thoughts.
** – LOL – Laugh Out Loud
*** – ROTFLMAO – Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off
**** – HCIFTATFS – Holy Crap I Forgot To Add The Fabric Softener
****** – 😉 – Van Hammersly
******* – WTHITA? – What The Hell Is This About?