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Voodoo Television Power

Posted on October 19, 2005 by Jorge

Anyone Know a Good Voodoo Priest?

I usually take the bus in the morning to get to the subway station. The station is only a ten minute walk from my house, but when trying to get into work on time, every minute is precious.

Also, it is usually less of a sweat-inducing ordeal to just catch the bus and ride it down to the station, shaving five minutes and about a litre of sweat off the journey.

This morning I was about a block away from the bus stop.

I saw the people begin to line up, and I knew the bus was coming, so I broke into a sprint.

I made it just as he was closing the door. There was plenty of room on the bus, and he could have waited a few seconds to let me in.

Instead he decided to close the door and drive away.

The worst part of it all was that he was staring at me the whole time.

Prick.



If Television Were In My Power…

A long overdue Dave & Jorge exchange.

There is a television show called CSI (Crime Scene Investigation). The show is awesome. It always starts out with the initial crime scene. One of the CSIs will show up (usually Grissom) and have an exchange with Detective Brass. Inevitably, a bad pun makes itself known followed by the theme song.

For some reason, Dave and I were on a kick one day. We started writing new intros to the series, replacing Grissom with Dave.

I don’t even remember how this particular exchange started, but it ended up becoming damned funny. Well, damned funny to us, anyway.

If you are having trouble with the ending of each little segment, Dave and I were trying to type out the music to the CSI theme*…


Intro 1
[Dave arrives on the scene. Detective Brass is standing over the body of a bloody corpse.]
Brass: Wow, what a way to go…
Dave: What happened?
Brass: Someone shot this priest in the head.
Dave: I guess we should get to work on his holiness..
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!


Intro 2
[Dave meets Brass in a dark alley where the body of a hooker was found.]
Dave: What happened here?
Brass: We found this prostitute murdered. No one could hear her scream because her tongue was cut out.
Dave: [Looking sombre] That’s horrible. I guess it’s time to work the scene.
Brass: If only the dead could talk.
Dave: We’d find that the answer was on the tip of her tongue
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!


Intro 3
[Brass is waiting for Dave in the kitchen of a home in a rich neighbourhood.]
Brass: You’re not going to believe this one.
Dave: What?
Brass: The wife took her husband’s face, forced it into the grinder over there, and served it to all the neighbours as meat pie. Now all the neighbours are dead–we found half of them on their toilets.
Dave: Dysentery?
Brass: Looks like.
Dave: Wow. The face that launched a thousand shits.
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!


Intro 4
[Brass is carefully checking over the scene in a clinic.]
Dave: [Looking Tired] What happened here?
Brass: Well, this case involves a lady who went to a plastic surgeon for a breast enlargement.
Dave: So?
Brass: He said he could enlarge her breasts immensely. When she didn’t get the results she wanted, she stabbed him in the eye, and he died.
Dave: That’s what you get when you try to make mountains out of molehills…
Music: WAH-WAH-WON-WON…DUH! DUH-NUH!


We totally could be up for an Emmy.





* – “Who Are You?” by The Who

Filed under: Humour, Rants, Spaces Archive | 12 Comments »

Best LOL Within

Posted on October 17, 2005 by Jorge

Best Friend. Worst Influence

I am the king of idiots.

I suppose that should be capitalized…

Make that the King of Idiots, or Ye Olde Kinge of Idiotse.

When I was a child, I had a ridiculously high IQ (or so people tell me).

Then, I discovered beer and I set the record for degradation of IQ score. Consequently, I always end up getting myself into stupid situations because I can’t keep my mouth shut.

My good friends know that I will pretty much do anything if they dare me or make fun of me. Probably a throwback to childhood when people would make fun of me but I couldn’t actually do anything about it.

Here are some examples…


I was visiting Tien a few years ago, and his dad has an awesome sense of humour. His dad also knew that we’re mildly competitive with each other.

We were sitting in their living room and talking about mowing lawns…


Jorge: Is your backyard very big?
Tien’s Dad: Big enough. You know, Tien can cut the grass in fifteen minutes. That’s pretty fast.
Jorge: [Leaning out of his chair and checking out the lawn.] Really?
[Everyone laughs because they know Jorge is wondering if he could cut it faster.]


Here is another instance from a few weeks ago at Tien’s Stag. We were eating at Schwartz’s in Montréal. They have a combo that is essentially gigantic, and I wasn’t sure if I could eat it or not. I asked everyone what they were having…


Jorge: Tien, what are you having?
Tien: Number Six. Schwartz’s Combo.
Jorge: What about you, mano?
Dave: I don’t know. I’m hungry, but I’m not sure if- What the hell. I’ll have number six.
Jorge: I’m not sure if I want that combo. I mean, a nice smoked meat sandwich could hit the spot.
Dave: Well, that’s ok. You can eat what you want. You don’t have to get the number six [Looking down and smirking.].
Jorge: Bastard.


Of course, I ordered the Schwartz’s combo. It was good, but I think I offset the orbit of the Earth after eating that meal.

Fast forward to last week when Dave wrote this entry. He mentioned the National Novel Writing Month contest. Essentially, one has to write a novel in a month (at least 50000 words).

I almost dismissed this until I read this line at the end of the entry…


What do you think? Tell me what to do. And if you’ve got the yarbles, suffer with me.


I am such an idiot.

Of course I agreed to join him. And I actually might only have 3 weeks to do it if my wife and I end up going on vacation at the end of November.

This is like a 200-page Schwartz’s combo.

Let’s hope I can get through it.



ROTK LOL (Skip this if you are not the least bit geeky)

So, nerd that I am, I invited some friends over to watch Lord of the Rings: Return of the King on Saturday afternoon.

These types of events are usually chock full of good food and drinks. Yesterday was no exception.

I got to meet James, which was awesome. I MSN with him every now and then (sounds kinky), and so I know him in that respect. Now I can put a face to the typing, and he’s a pretty cool guy.

He lives just North of my friend Dave (not Dave but the other one), who was also coming down for the movie, but lacks vehicular mobility.

Rather than have Dave taking the not-so-reliable public transit system, I asked James if he could pick Dave up.

That must have been interesting*…


[Doorbell rings. Dave opens door.]
James: Hi. I’m looking for Dave.
Dave: That’s me! You must be James.
James Yup! Ready to go?
Dave: Yes I am!
[Dave grabs his coat and his contribution to the potluck and they get in James’ car.]
Dave: So, are you a friend of Jorge’s?
James: Not really. You are, though, right?
Dave: Yeah. Um…Do you know him very well?
James: Not really.
Dave: Am I safe? Or should I jump out of the car now?


They seemed to have hit it off, though, as they weren’t trying to kill each other when I answered the door.

A few more people arrived and we settled in to watch the flick. The movie is longer than four hours, so we made sure to bring all of the food with us into the living room, so as to minimize disruption.

When I watch movies with my good friends, one of two scenarios happen…

  • We watch the movie in rapt silence, enjoying every minute
  • We insert our own funny commentary, enjoying every minute


Dave and I were quiet, but James started off and people started laughing. Once that happened, the floodgates opened and Dave and I set the commentary party ablaze (acutally, everyone had some hilarious lines).

I would have to say the best line was during a scene where Sauron’s Army marches forth from Minas Morgul. The Witch King of Angmar is flying on his fell beast over the canyon, where the road to the Black Gate is packed totally solid.

As the Nazgul flew over the army, Dave said…


Traffic is currently backed up all the way to Minas Morgul!


We all burst out laughing hysterically.



Positivity Needed. Apply Within.

A friend of mine is going through a tough time right now.

I don’t feel comfortable writing about the situation, out of respect for my friend. It’s nothing evil. It’s just a very sad event. If you have any spare positive thoughts/energy/prayers that you can send my way, I’ll pass them on.

If you know who I am talking about, please don’t mention names in the comments.

Due to my hero complex, I feel utterly helpless in situations like this.




* – This conversation is entirely ficticious.

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 16 Comments »

Appreciation Thanks Photographia. Canadianisms and the Hug Syndrome

Posted on October 14, 2005 by Jorge

Canadian Appreciation Week – A Quick Thank You

I’ve been horrible. I never referenced the people that started this whole activity.

A big round of applause should go out to Bluemichy and Canadianprariegirl for their warm idea of paying homage to our country.

While I haven’t done everything exactly according to plan, I do admire people that implement good ideas (more on this later).



Photographia Canadiana

In the spirit of being a day behind, I exascerbate the loathing felt towards my horrible punctuality by not even posting any photos here.

Again, I do have a website of photographs, and most of them are taken in Canada.

While everywhere in the world has beauty, I love the feeling I get when I take a photo of a maple leaf. I’m a big softie that way.

So, let’s play a game. Go visit my photography page, go to the galleries, and see if you can tell me where all the photographs of landscapes were taken.

I mean, it should be pretty easy.

You can write your guesses in the comments section like so: Gallery 1, 2nd photo from the top, Toronto, Ontario

Bonus points if you can be even more specific than that.



Canadianisms

Here in Canada, we have so many attributes that others from all over the world point out…

  • Patience
  • Friendliness
  • Willingness to Help
  • High Tolerance to Alcohol
  • Military Micropower
  • Not American


This list is small, and only a few of those items are true.

Rather than go into the typical writ of Canadianisms, I will list the various types of people you will find in Canada that call themselves Canadian (special thanks to Dave for help with this list)…

The Canucklehead – This is the typical, beer-swilling, laid-back person you all know and love. Always in a toque and jeans, this loveable soul finishes all sentences with the typical ‘eh’. You’ll usually find this person on a patio somewhere, drinking Keiths and talking about Hockey or politics. Oh wait, those are the same thing…

The Homesicker – These are people that immigrated to Canada for a better life, and yet do nothing but talk about how awesome their home country was in comparison. Frankly, I don’t understand why these people are here when they are obviously so in love with their previous home. Pride is one thing, but dissing your current locale is not cool.

Alienated Easterner – Perhaps French. Perhaps not. Well, nix the ‘perhaps not’. Separatism is always a threat we Canadians face. Québec leaving would really suck. I don’t know how some people there can feel unappreciated when so many from other provinces flock to Québec to get away from it all. I, personally, have never come into contact with any disgruntled Québecois. I just hear about them on the news and from friends who like to make up stories.

Self-Important West – Again, I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone from the West who wasn’t friendly and patriotic about the whole country. I wonder if the media makes up stories about how the West takes its financial success too seriously. Seriously enough to want to be their own country. How would they defend themselves? The HMS Haida is in Hamilton! Isn’t that our only defence?

AIA – The Americans In Awe. I have met people from this group. They are folks from South of the border who move up here for a better life and find it. Mind you, these people moved up when one american dollar could buy a thousands-square-foot house in the rich neighbourhoods in any major Canadian city. It’s nice to see people that appreciate the country though. Refreshing.

The Chinese – Probably the largest visible ethnic group [Thank you, Captain Obvious – Dave]. I honestly believe that Canada should be called Chinada. Take a cross section of my friends, for instance, and you’ll find that half of them are Chinese. I hear a lot of people complaining about Hong Kong money and rich kid syndrome and such. However, these ‘rich folks’ were unfairly put to work ages ago building railroads and suffering. Now a lot of them are highly successful because of hard work, either from where they came from or right here (or both!). All of my Chinese friends appreciate living here. Folks from India run a close second in sheer volume and friendliness. Europe is third.

Rick Mercer – ‘Nuff said.

Overly Sensitive People – People that take offence to things in this entry that aren’t meant to offend anyone. Read carefully!


That’s my list. There are many other ethnic groups and such, but this isn’t meant to be a serious entry (except for perhaps the parts that speak of my appreciation for certain things).



A Final Word About the Hug Syndrome

I’ve been noticing people posting long comments usually made up primarily of the word hug.

This is just plain annoying. I referred earlier to good ideas. This hug thing is a bad idea.

I understand the intentions are good, and that people are trying to spread love.

But honestly, I think most people would appreciate that the comments would have something to do with the article they worked hard to write.

I don’t mind the word hug. I’m just saying that maybe there can be some substance to a comment, rather than a simple cut-and-paste message.

Honestly, though, someone’s gotta say something.


People begin to glower at Jorge, thinking him the Grinch of Spaces….

Filed under: General Dialogue, Ponderings, Rants, Spaces Archive | 19 Comments »

Canadian Appreciation Stops Further Wannabe Hate

Posted on October 12, 2005 by Jorge

Canadian Appreciation Week – Favourite Canadian Spacers

This sounds like something that will result in a trip to Home Depot. In reality it is celebrating the Spaces of Canadians.

Now, I am not one to stick to convention, so you shouldn’t be surprised that I will be bending the rules a little on this one.

From what I’ve seen most folks participating in this particular blog project are writing short descriptions of their favourite Canadian Spaces along with links so that the faithful reader can click and enjoy these Spaces themselves.

I’ve actually been doing that for a while with the Blog Tome on the top menu of my blog. There are a fair number of Canadians in that directory, so I don’t feel as if I should really just cut and paste.

Instead, I will post only one link to one Spacer* who I feel is one of the unsung heroes of the MSN Spaces universe…


Absolute Infinity – Karen’s space is like going to a nice cottage. It offers a wonderful escape from the everyday, stressful life that a lot of us have. She has a variety of things to read and do on her page if you choose to follow. Karen is a warm and caring person who also tries to visit all the people that visit her. So go give her a visit, and see why I think she’s so great!



But Why Stop There?

Spaces is great, but in a world where we all need to get along, I think some hats need to be tipped to those who are not under the MSN umbrella. Dave and Jay would make almost every list, so I’m going to share some of my other favourite non-MSN bloggers from Canada…



Favourite Non-Spaces Canadian Bloggers

Shaun Hatton – Shaun is the paragon of innocent honesty. You can also replace the word ‘innocent’ with ‘brutal’. Not that this is a bad thing. Hell no. Shaun calls it like he sees it. His blog was created entirely by him. So I guess he would classify as in independent. On top of being a great columnist, he is also a wonderful friend. Go check him out!

Videogamey – Videogamey is a hilarious site. Obviously the topic is all about video games, but the repartée is wicked-cool. There is usually a post a day, about various topics. On top of it all, you can make suggestions. Definitely the place to go if you want to get reviews on games by people who are just like you and me. Well, maybe more like me.



Pushing the Envelope Further

While I’m at it, I’ll ditch the Canadian Elitism and move onto our neighbours from the South…



Favourite American Bloggers

I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino – This talented writer hooked me from her comments left on Dave‘s site. She’s got a sharp tongue, and the intelligence to use it properly. She writes about anything and everything that she can get her hands on with enjoyable results. No matter what you read, you will always leave with new thoughts. She is as insightful and wise as she is witty. The people that frequent her comments section also add further enjoyment. Kris’ blog is like an ongoing conversation. Go give her a read!

Three Cats In a One Bedroom Apartment – Julie rocks. Her and her writing team (composed of her three cats) are a force to be reckoned with. She writes about her views of the world, and they can be damned funny. Oh yes, she also has nice calves.



Favourite Wannabe Canadian Blogger

The Shellie – If you are ever fortunate enough to be granted access, you’ll enjoy Shellie’s view of the world. She logs her days in this Space, and always has a positive spin on things. Go check her out, if you’re allowed.



I Am a Horrible Person

For obvious reasons (space restriction, human frailty, IQ of 7, etc.) I will have forgotten some people from here. This is by no means an indication that I don’t read your work, or hate you. In fact, you are probably in the Blog Tome, and most likely have been there for quite some time.

If you are not in the Blog Tome, and feel you should be, please drop me a line at barkingspace@rogers.com, and I will add you. I am human, after all.

Well, mostly…




* – Nothing like new lingo that sounds dorky.

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 6 Comments »

Favourite Canadian Writers, Musicians, Athletes

Posted on October 12, 2005 by Jorge

Canadian Appreciation Week – Favourite Canadian Celebrities

Ian wrote about some great celebrities, which you should check out if you can. I have decided to go a bit closer to home, to people that I know and admire. You’ll have to indulge me, as these folks are very important to me and I tend to ramble on about things that I like.

They may not be celebrities in the eyes of the world, but these people are celebrities to me…



Favourite Canadian Writers

This was a tough decision. It was tempting to write about someone like Margaret Atwood or Mordecai Richler. But I thought I would focus on people that may not be quite in the spotlight yet, but will be sooner than later.

This, too, was a challenge, as I have many talented friends. So here is a list of my favourite writers who happen to be Canadian (last names omitted to dissuade stalkers)…


Dave – Dave is one of my closest friends. This has nothing to do with his position on this list. Dave’s writing is exceptional. If you ever get a chance to check out his blog, I would highly recommend it. His commentaries and anecdotes are honest, intelligent, and just plain hilarious. He does have a serious writing side as well, and has posted one of his works on his blog.

Reay – Reay is an amazing short story writer. He writes in many different genres, pulling them all off without a hitch. He’s actually posted a few of his works on his web page, so, as he would say, check ye them out. Well, maybe he wouldn’t say that. He would make it sound much cooler.

Jay – Jay is the reigning queen of columns. Her commentary on what’s around her is compelling and humourous. You can be guaranteed stronger abs from reading her funnier works. At the same time, though, she can bring a tear to your eye with some of her serious works. She is an extremely talented woman and I’m glad that I have the privilege of reading her work regularly.

Cat – Cat’s thought provoking and captivating essay style will leave you feeling reaffirmed of your belief in issues she writes about, or perhaps they will leave you questioning whether you are supporting the correct side. She is an excellent writer because she spends time researching the issues, and she’s not afraid to put herself in the thick of things. Writing with feeling is something she does well, and it doesn’t come across as being preachy.

Ian – Last, and in no way least on the list is Ian. Ian is from the East Coast. Living in Halifax, he writes stories about his life. Believe me when I say they are exceedingly entertaining. Ian has quite a number of readers who visit to hear the next chapter in the tale of his life. He is a warm, spirited author who has a way with words. Another one for you to check out.



Favourite Canadian Musicians

Again I will stick to the locals for this one. There are a lot of talented musicians out there, and I’m glad I get the opportunity to go out and watch them perform. This is my way of giving something back. A little publicity in exchange for a wonderful listening experience…


Pamela Brennan – Pamela has one of the most powerful and beautiful voices of any person living on Earth. Her small frame belies the raw strength within. She sings all types of songs from folky to rocky, and she plays a pretty good guitar. I went to high school with her. She taught me how to play songs on my guitar in the chapel. It’s been really great watching her grow in her music. I wish her all the best. Keep your eyes and ears open for any of her stuff. CDs with Pamela on them make for great listening!

Lori Cullen – I saw Lori at a show where Pamela was singing. Her and Pamela did a version of “Mercy Me” by Marvin Gaye that was probably better than the original. Lori’s haunting voice and ability to harmonize on the fly make her quite a musical catch. She has several CDs out. Go get them!



Favourite Canadian Athletes

In lieu of intellectuals (Ian has this covered, and I can’t beat the Rexinator), I have chosen some of my friends who are examples of great physical prowess. These are the people who make me want to be more than I am in terms of athleticism. These are friends of mine, not necessarily celebrities, but inspirational nonetheless…


Suzy – Suzy is a friend I met at Karate. She is an excellent martial artist. A keen memory for movement, and a ridiculous amount of energy. She’s also an amazing swimmer. I’ve never actually gone to any of her events (usually due to bad timing), but based on what I hear, she is incredible. I’ve actually seen footage of her swimming poorly, and let me tell you, it depresses me because even at my best I could never swim as fast as she does at her worst.

Nat – Another female powerhouse. Nat is a friend of mine who likes to run, play ultimate, and injures herself more often than anyone I know. This is because she’s a risk taker, and they usually pay off. Nat is tenacious and talented. She definitely is intimidating. Don’t mess with her!

Tien – Tien is a really good friend of mine who I met in Capoeira a long time ago. He makes everything look easy. This guy can run a 5K without breaking a sweat. It’s insane! He has some very simple views of athletic performance. They work. That’s pretty much it. He sees what he wants, and he goes for it. You can usually catch him doing Kali, running, or playing Ultimate frisbee with Nat.

Filed under: General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 12 Comments »

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