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Hai-Kuul – Aug 15, 2005 – CONTEST WINNER!!!

Hai-Kuul Winner!

Congratulations to princess_castle who submitted the 40th request! Her prize is the 8×10 print shown in this entry.

Please e-mail me a mailing address, and I will send you your prize.

The next Hai-Kuul contest will not be for a while yet, but you can still send in ideas.

And now, without further ado…


Achilles…U Love Me? (Requested by princess_castle)
Why don’t you answer?
Are you afraid? Talk, because
I know your weakness!


The Great Wall of Antarctica!! (Requested by princess_castle)
In the land of cold
A black barrier moves on
Walk with the penguins


Indian Independence Day! (Requested by princess_castle)
Celebrate a day
For a wonderful country
Jalebis for all!


Black Tea, Green Tea, What Tea?! (Requested by princess_castle)
I need to wake up
My choice of tea will help me
But which one to drink?


Scared of My Relatives (Requested by princess_castle)
So hard to avoid
So much like a hangover
Without the drinking


Briseis (Requested by princess_castle)
She lost her husband
Achilles abducted her
Then had to lose her


He Was Flirtin’ With My Cousin…Moron!! (Requested by princess_castle)
He was trying hard
To make a good impression
But he’s beneath her


Encyclopedia ‘Bitha’nica (Requested by princess_castle)
An alternate tome
With lots of exclamations
And some new words, too


I think we have a Trojan theme going here…


I Think I Am Helen…Erm?! (Requested by princess_castle)
Living in Troy sucks
I think I need to move now
Perhaps the Hamptons?




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Another Heart Window Nut

Another Photo Exhibition

The Salvador Darling show is closing today. I’ll be heading over there this evening to take down the photos from the walls, only to send new ones along to Sunnyside Sundays (Portugal Pavilion).

It takes place on Sunday, August 21. It should be a great day.

The only unfortunate part is that I won’t be present, but there will be all kinds of vendors and fun. Check it out if you can!

One day only.



Gorilla My Heart

I love the Toronto Zoo. I realize that not everyone agrees with the concept of a zoo, but in my opinion there are some Zoos that do great work for conservation and preservation of species, and the Toronto Zoo is one of them.

One of my favourite exhibits is the Gorilla exhibit. I’m not sure if it’s their grace, or strength that draws me to them. Perhaps the similarities between us and them make it more fascinating? Either way, a trip to the zoo would not be complete without visiting my lowland brethren.

Today, I will tell you two tales of why Gorillas are better than people.

You will be amazed…



The Window

Before the Gorillas got their new spiffy environment at the Zoo, they had a relatively plain one. There was an outdoor component, and an indoor one (these were visible to the zoo patrons).

The outdoor component has all kinds of ladders and ropes and things for the Gorillas to use for exercise, and the inside was essentially a large space with various open-concept rooms. The visitors were separated from the Gorillas by a thick layer of clear Plexiglas, so that observation of the Gorillas would be unhindered.

On this particular day, the Gorillas were inside, as the weather was quite hot and humid and inside was much cooler. Consequently, a lot more people were inside than usual as well.

There was a crowd along the Plexiglas wall about five people deep. The line closest to the Plexiglas window was made up mostly of kids, but there were also some older teenagers and young guys.

The older boys were leaning right up to the glass, making faces (which was entertaining for all of us, I’m sure, including the Gorillas).

Given the number of people, things were surprisingly calm. Charles (the patriarch of the Gorillas), was sitting near one of the females, who was watching her baby playing in the soft straw of the enclosure floor. The other females were also close by, and there were two adolescent males goofing around with some of the toys and stealing glances at the face-makers.

The problem started when some of those older boys started smacking the glass.

This caused the baby to jump a little and irritated the adolescent males.

Charles looked around and appeared to be communicating with the young male gorillas. When he spoke, they would calm down slightly.

However, this did no good when the teenagers started smacking the glass hard, over and over.

Some of the kids in the front row were getting nervous as the young male gorillas started pacing close to the Plexiglas. The teens kept pounding.

Suddenly, one of the adolescents smacked the wall as a reply, shaking the Plexiglas. There is no doubt in my mind that the barrier would hold, but I’m sure it ruffled a few feathers in the crowd.

Given the level of response, you would have thought that the humans would quit pounding on the glass, but they kept going.

Soon the baby gorilla became upset and made an awful wailing noise.

At this point Charles got up (you have to realize that this guy is huge), picked up the baby Gorilla and nestled him to his torso to protect him. He then made a sharp hissing noise to the other Gorillas, and motioned to the door to the outer enclosure. The rest of the Gorillas followed him out, heads bowed.

The humans, in the mean time, were still making whooping noises and pounding on the glass.

Now think about this picture for a moment, and you tell me who the real animals are…

Gorillas: 1 Humans: 0



Charles and The Nut Thrower

I used to go to the Zoo a lot more than I do now. I used to be a member, which was more cost effective than paying admission several times a year.

One thing about zoos that really bug me is that there are a lot of stupid people. Among my favourites are…

  • Girls who insist on wearing clubbing clothes to the zoo
  • Guys who go there to cruise for chicks
  • People who don’t pay attention to where they are going
  • People who think feeding the geese and birds is a good thing


The most annoying person of all, though, is the nut thrower.

I was standing at the barrier of the outdoor enclosure watching Charles chill in the shade.

Picture a rather large (obese) man, with Weird Al Yankovic‘s Hair and moustache, a really big baseball cap, and an ugly Hawaiian shirt draped over his torn jean shorts. He was loud and obnoxious. He essentially shoved his way up to the enclosure and started telling people how stupid and slow Gorillas were.

This guy had a bag of peanuts and he was throwing them at Charles (the head Gorilla). The peanuts were flying all over, as this guy didn’t have the greatest coordination. The ones that actually hit Charles would just harmlessly bounce off of his furry hide, apparently doing no harm.

Even so, it was quite annoying…


See how stupid he is? He’s just letting me throw shit at him. Hahaha. This is hilarious.


Did I say annoying? I would also like to add embarrassing!

I was about to say something when Charles himself silenced the perpetrator with a simple action.

Peanut guy wound up and whipped a peanut that was going right for Charles’ face. It’s as if the world stood still except for that peanut. People gasped that the guy would throw it so hard.

But it was nothing to Charles.

Quick as a flash he caught the peanut between his strong thumb and forefinger and slowly looked up at the obnoxious man. Meeting his gaze, Charles then crushed the peanut into dust.

The peanut thrower became visibly shaken, and dropped his bag of peanuts as he backed away very quickly and took off.

Charles then collected the peanuts around him into a pile, put them on his belly and enjoyed the rest of his day.

Gorillas: 2 Humans: 0


Conclusion? Humans can be jackasses.

The Raven Can Go to Hell

The Raven Might Have Been An Idiot

When I see a quote, I usually take it with a grain of salt. A lot of the most famous quotes were made a long time ago, and may not apply to things today. However, people still use them.

And so, I have received some salt from a few people about this quote


Stress is the refuge of the fearful.
– Jorge Figueiredo, 2005


And so, I think I will change it (as it is my quote after all…) to…


Stress is a refuge for the fearful.
– Jorge Figueiredo, 2005

Thoughts?



Clouds Can Go to Hell

I woke up at 4:40 AM this morning to see the meteor shower. My eyes playing tricks on me (thanks to sleep) took a few minutes to focus, and what I saw was…


CLOUDS!


So much for seeing one of the most spectacular sights in the sky…

This Headline Has My Raven

This Headline is Cancerous

I saw a news article today addressing a problem with a lake in Alberta containing carcinogens. Local residents are not going to bathe or drink using the water from said lake, until such time as they can figure out what is causing the water to become cancerous.

I think that the solution would be to remove the carp from the lake.

Sometimes, I wonder what isn’t cancerous these days. It seems like everything is.

Why, even this blog entry is causing someone cancer somewhere.

What a strange phenomenon cancer is. Cells go wrong and eventually kill us. A coup d’etat on our life from within our own bodies.

Don’t be fooled by my tone here. Cancer has affected folks in my life that I care about. Indeed, it’s not really all that funny. But at the same time, there is something cathartic about thinking of it as an entity and then making fun of it.

Cancer! Yo’ momma!



Cats Have My Tongue

Not everything today will be grim.

No sir!

I get asked every once in a while about the cats that are in my photo album on my blog. Today I will tell you the story of these felines.

Anyone who owns pets knows how these furry (and sometimes not furry*) creatures can burrow their way into your heart (especially moles). Our own fuzz balls, Laila and Logan, were retrieved from an animal shelter near our place.

I realize that at this point, continuing would probably qualify the majority of you to revoke my man license and replace it with a blubbering baby license. However, I don’t care what you think, so the story goes on…

I have always had a soft spot for animals, ever since I was a kid. We did have pets…

  • Fish – Always ended up floating upside down and not breathing
  • Snails – Always managed to escape their escape-proof aquarium
  • Turtle – Once brought in and kept for a few weeks, allowing him to regain health before we let him go
  • Rabbits – One died of heat stroke, the other was let go and did quite well for himself (Forbes top 100 richest animals)


However, I always wanted a cat.

And so, at the beginning of the millennium, I was on my own.

I expressed this interest to some of the gals at work, who immediately tried to talk me out of it using all manner of convincing arguments…

You are always out.

You’ve never had one before. How do you know what to do?

One day you’ll run out of groceries and the stores will be closed, and when you look at your cats, all you’ll see is a steaming platter of meat!


Discouraged, I figured I would wait until I moved in with Mrs. J to get pets. She wanted pets, too, but was afraid of the responsibility.

Bummed out, one day I had to renew my parking pass for street parking, and so went to the place that did that sort of thing. I found out through casual conversation with the lady behind the counter that there was an animal shelter not more than fifty metres from where I was standing.

And so, I visited.

There was a marvellous black cat there who came right up and rubbed her face on my hands. One of the workers commented how this cat hated people, and how this was the first time she’d shown anyone affection (she was abused as a kitten).

I was hooked.

I would visit every so often, bringing old blankets and small toys for them to play with. The more time I spent there, the more I wanted cats. But I needed a strategy.

I began my relentless campaign shortly after Mrs. J and I moved in together. My relentless campaign involved…

  • Me asking if we could get cats
  • Meowing quietly when Mrs. J was around
  • Purring and rubbing my face against her shoulder


Rather than put up with my crap, Mrs. J relented and we agreed to get two cats. She wanted to get older ones as they would already be comfortable with each other.

Unfortunately, when we arrived at the shelter, all of the adults cats that we saw were there were on their own. There were, however, a few pairs of kittens (One of these little fellas sounded like Edward G. Robinson. Meah! Meah! For those who don’t know who that is, think of Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons saying Where’s the messiah now, Flanders? Meah!).

Two of the kittens caught my eye right away. We were told that the pair of furry kittens were not related, but they seemed to get along. They were three months old.

The best thing about them was their personality. When Mrs. J and I would stand by their cage together, they would sit straight, looking at us like cute statues, tails swishing slightly back and forth.

However, when Mrs. J turned around to look at other cats they would start running around acting crazy, climbing the cage and just going nuts.

I knew these were the two for us.

We took them home and named them Fred and Wilma. They didn’t respond well to this, so we renamed them Laila and Logan.

Ever since we brought them home they have had some interesting adventures of their own. I will probably relate some of these stories to folks later on. They are freaking hilarious…



Click to enlarge…



Quoth the Raven

Okay, well maybe not the raven, but me.

I wrote something today that sounded neat (in my opinion)…

Stress is the refuge of the fearful.


I searched on the internet and I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I must be the first one to use it!

I asked Dave about this quote, and whether he thinks it might catch on.

He said that he’s never heard it either, but that I can’t just promote my own quote. Someone actually has to quote me.

Balls to that.

Feel free to use this. Maybe I will become famous!

Here is the format which works best…


Stress is the refuge of the fearful.
– Jorge Figueiredo, 2005


Enjoy this new useful piece of information!




* – I am convinced that if you leave anything long enough it will grow fur**
** – And by fur I mean mould

Hai-Kuul – August 11, 2005

The Smell of Fresh Cut Grass (Requested by Cat)
Memories of you
Spring forth. Singing of childhood
And the greatest times




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.