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Transporter Thing

The Transporter

One thing I like to do is quote lines from movies once in a while. I usually change some element of what it is to be funny. This time, though, my wife actually changed it.

We had recently seen Transporter 2 in the theatre.

In the movie, there is a brief exchange between Jason Statham’s rigid, rules-based character (Frank) and a little boy played (quite well) by Hunter Clary…


Frank Martin: What’s the first rule when entering a man’s car?
Jack Billings: Respect a mans car, a man respects you.
Frank Martin: Rule number two?
Jack Billings: Greet the man. Good afternoon Frank!
Frank Martin: Good afternoon Jack.


A few days after we saw the movie, I was sitting in the car waiting for Mrs. J. After a minute or two, she opened the passenger side and joined me in the car. The following conversation ensued (with me doing my best Jason Statham impression)…


Jorge: What’s the first rule when entering a man’s car?
Mrs. J: Kiss the man! [Leans over and plants a kiss on my ugly mug.]
[Jorge is all smiles now. He pulls the car away from the curb and begins driving. Suddenly a thought crosses his mind…]
Jorge: I’d have thought that the first rule would be to make sure that the man is your husband.
Mrs. J: [Laughs.]

Yes. My life is a movie.

Two thumbs up!



Funniest Thing I Heard All Day

I was riding the subway to work today, as I do every day.

Every time the subway left a platform, it would slowly accelerate, jerk once, and then keep accelerating until it reached it’s cruising speed. The cruising speed was not all that quick for some reason.

I didn’t think anything of it, as a lot of the subways are older and prone to odd glitches.

About halfway through my trip, the subway driver piped up over the loudspeaker…


Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I would like to apologize for the delay…


Everyone groaned. Usually when messages begin like that it means we’ll have to get off the subway at the next stop or the subway will have to stop and sit still for a number of minutes (usually about five or ten) due to some problem up ahead…


…The delay is due to the fact that mechanical problems are not allowing us to reach our top speed. This is causing our trip across the city to be somewhat longer than normal and again, I apologize. I have called for a mechanic to meet us further along the route to fix the problem. You can understand that mechanics for these trains are hard to find, as no one really likes to try to repair antiques…


I laughed pretty loudly at his blatant shot at the lack of modern equipment. Folks like him make my day.

Always Choose to Accept It

Always Check Your Food

The other day, I was doing some chores and cooking dinner at the same time.

I was cooking a pork chop.

I thought I had finished cooking it, as it was somewhat charred on the outside. Admittedly, our landlady set us up with a new stove and I’m not quite used to it yet, so I thought I had burned the chop but good.

I decided to eat it anyway, slathering rib sauce on it to mask the taste of charcoal.

I would take a bite, do an errand around the house, come back and take another bite, etc.

On the third bite, I realized that it was chewier than normal. I looked at the pork chop and saw that while the outside was charred, the inside was raw.

In my haste to complete some household chores, I neglected to check that the meat I was eating was cooked all the way through.

That was Tuesday night.

Today is Saturday.

I have one word for you…


TOILET


Let this be a lesson. Always make sure you cook your meat properly.

Ugh.



Your Mission, if You Choose to Accept it…

A friend of mine works in a company in the IT department. There are not many of them in this department (two if I understand him correctly).

His departmental accomplice (who we will call Miss X) is an expert in one part of the business while my friend takes care of the rest.

A lot of the time, people are looking for Miss X. They usually ask my friend where she is.

He’s arrived at an impasse for creative answers, so he asked me to appeal to my audience for some suggestions on creative answers.

I had two…



Scenario One

Person asks for Miss X. My friend has a cleverly constructed sock puppet likeness of her. He does an impromptu puppet show to make the person feel awkward.


Scenario Two

Person asks for Miss X. My friend asks the person to wait a sec while he picks up a pen from behind his desk. While down there, he dons a wig (the same colour as Miss X’s hair colour) and applies some makeup. He gets up from behind the desk and proceeds to talk like Miss X, making the person feel awkward.


So, let me know what suggestions you have. He’ll read the comments and I’m sure fun will be had by all. Except, of course for Miss X and her adoring fans.

Hai-Kuul – September 29, 2005

Actor Bio (Requested by princess_castle)
When you want to know
The best place to find out is
Ol’ I M D B


My Roomate’s Boyfriend (Requested by princess_castle)
He eats all my food
And calls early in the morn
Don’t get me started


The Reason (Requested by princess_castle)
Primary question
What is the motivation?
Answer for yourself


How Stupid!! (Requested by princess_castle)
A solid method
To show your stupidity?
Go vote for George Bush


Mango Smoothie (Requested by princess_castle)
Cool, creamy goodness
Sweetness with a little tang
A liquid blessing


Kitchen (Requested by princess_castle)
Room of the divine
In this room we all play God
With our creations


Theatre (Requested by princess_castle)
‘Ere motion pictures
And extras on DVDs
Bloopers were not good


Ask a Librarian (Requested by princess_castle)
In the house of books
The fastest path to knowledge
Starts at the front desk


Purses and Shoes (Requested by anurs2)
Only in fashion
Can they link your feet and hands
Without any rope


Babe (As in Tisha’s Boyfriend) (Requested by anurs2)
A bright, winning smile
And eyes that captivate her
Tisha turns to mush




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.

Unified Wellness Theory

A Unified Wellness Theory

The human body is a complicated thing. Complicated things are very interesting, especially when you consider trying to figure out how they work.

Anything with such complexity is a paradox.

It is something that has the capacity to work exceedingly well.

It also has the capacity to have many things wrong with it.

This is one topic that occasionally surfaces in my mind due to the fact that I know I have the ability to worry myself into a state of sickness.

Today is just my attempt to put some of these thoughts somewhere more permament than my brain.



Sickness

Given how much crap we put into our bodies, it is no small wonder that we get sick fairly frequently as a species.

These toxins leave us open for assault from all manner of germs and such.

I had a conversation with a wise man recently.

He told me that people are in the hospital for three reasons (I’m paraphrasing)…


  1. They have something in their body (viral, bacterial, etc)
  2. They have something on their body (wound, lesion, etc)
  3. They have something in their mind


The first two groups of people need no explanation. Something external has created a problem for them on or in their bodies. The argument here: most people in the hospital are part of the third group. These people, in essence, give themselves disease.

Now, I’m not necessarily as heavy-handed in the way that I think about sick people. However, there is a lesson here. I’ll take you along my line of thinking.



Disease

Certainly reality dictates that everything will fail from time to time. If you think about the fact that we are made up of millions and millions of tiny organisms, and each of those organisms are composed of a large number of atoms, you can’t help but wonder how many screw-ups there are. Think about it. Cells divide all the time. Once in a while there has to be a mistake. Usually these are caught by the body, but once in while, they are not.

Welcome to disease.

So, wouldn’t it stand to reason that mistakes might happen more often if we make them happen more often?

Our thought process is governed by chemical reactions. Ironically, our thought processes can result in other chemical reactions. By thinking we can affect our body.

So the third category of people listed previously are those who don’t aid their body in the task of getting rid of the disease they have. They actually end up aiding the disease.



Happiness is a State of Mind

Will being happy and cheerful all the time make you invulnerable?

Probably not.

There is a good chance that grinning like an idiot in the path of an oncoming train will permanently change your smile.

At the same time, frowning and fretting will probably not give you a higher chance of getting struck by lightning. Unless, of course, you mope around in a field with no cover during a thunderstorm.

I would say, though, that maintaining a positive state of mind will aid your body in it’s quest to work as close to perfectly as possible.

Thinking positive thoughts probably creates a chemical reaction that affects the environment of your body positively, allowing your natural defenses to work unhindered.

Conversely, negativity probably hinders your body from healing itself.

When someone tells another that it’s all in their head (especially for psychological disorders), it can be quite a downer to the victim. ; They interpret it as something that they could just switch off if they wanted to. ; Perhaps they can’t just switch it off, but they can contribute to their well-being by thinking about getting better.



Drugs

There are a lot of people who are opposed to taking medication because they feel that it is not natural and that the body can heal itself.

While there are probably a rare few on Earth who can regenerate their entire bodies after being dipped in a vat of hot acid, the rest of us have to make do with what little healing talent we have.

Drugs (natural and synthetic) are designed to help our body deal with what is wrong.

By reaching a positive state of mind, you’ll probably catalyze the effect of the treatment and get better a lot sooner.



The Bottom Line

As a complex machine, we have an obligation to do a little bit of maintenance every once in a while. We need to take care of ourselves and be more positive people.

This would take the sting out of most of what ails us, I believe.


Apologies if this sounds like a bit of a ramble. Just trying to jot down some thoughts…

Hai-Kuul – September 27, 2005

Lumberjacks (Requested by princess_castle)
Felling greenery
It’s a job that needs finesse
Or else you’ll be flat


Camping (Requested by princess_castle)
The call of the wild
Sleeping under the bright stars
Unless the rain starts


My Love Story (Requested by princess_castle)
An unplanned romance
Unexpected love is great
It led to marriage


Sharing (Requested by princess_castle)
To give and to take
An even division of
Feelings and things, too


They Smoke (Requested by princess_castle)
I hear them coughing
Slowly exhailing their lives
Through yellow, stained teeth


I Cried (Requested by princess_castle)
When I was younger
Vocalizing my sadness
Was quite difficult


Job Hunt (Requested by princess_castle)
Pounding the pavement
Trying to find employment
A job in itself




*Remember, you can submit a topic to inspire your very own Haiku Poem by clicking here. You can read about Hai-Kuul here.