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The World Brought Me Here

Posted on July 13, 2005 by Jorge

The World is My Oyster

I was walking home from Karate last night, and I was looking for a store that sold cans of soda that weren’t Coke or Pepsi. A confused looking older lady was milling about in front of a used appliance store.

As I approached, she looked up with a look of hope, and I knew that I was going to have to engage in a conversation with her, most likely about something awkward…


OLDER LADY: Um. Hello there.
JORGE: Hi. Is something wrong?
OL: Well, I was wondering if you knew anything about air conditioners.
JORGE: Not really, sorry. [I was actually telling the truth. Other than BTU-to-Square Footage, I don’t really know all that much about them. I do know that I love the one in my office, that I turn on in the evenings to take the edge off the heat in our office and bedroom.]
OL: [Ignores Jorge’s truth.] Great! Well, you see, there is an air conditioner in there that I was interested in buying, but I was worried about Freon, you see.
JORGE: [Acknowledging that there is no way out.] Freon?
OL: Yes. I think the older Freon is bad. At least that’s what they say.
JORGE: Erm. Okay.
OL: But I was wondering if you knew anything about this new Freon.
JORGE: New Freon?
OL: Yes. The lady inside said that the air conditioner had a new type of Freon in it.
JORGE: How old is this air conditioner?
OL: about ten to fifteen years old.
JORGE: And she said that there’s a new type of Freon in there?
OL: Yes.
JORGE: Well, I know that the old Freon was banned from cars, due to the belief that CFCs were contributing to ozone depletion.
OL: What?
JORGE: Um, the old Freon was bad, but I don’t think that the new stuff is called Freon. It is a refrigerant. Again, I really don’t know.
OL: Do you think I should buy it? It’s a good price.
JORGE: I don’t know. How big is your space that you want cooled?
OL: Two hundred and fifty square feet.
JORGE: How many BTUs is the model you want?
OL: Six Thousand.
JORGE: I think that should be just enough.
OL: But I’m worried about the Freon.
JORGE: There are some great sites to look up this type of information on the internet if you’re worried about sales people telling you lies.
OL: I don’t have the internet. I’m retired.
JORGE: I see.
OL: I’m worried about my health. I don’t know what the Freon will do to me.
JORGE: Probably nothing. Unless you plan on drinking it, I think you won’t be feeling the effects that your air conditioner will cause.
OL: So Freon is bad?
JORGE: Again, I don’t think you’d have to worry. I think that your health will be fine. I really don’t know.
OL: Sorry to bug you. I just wanted to make sure that whatever I bought would not cause problems with my health.
JORGE: Sorry I couldn’t be more help.
OL: Oh, that’s ok.
JORGE: Take care.
OL: You too. [She walks away, pulling a cigarette carton out of her purse. She lights up, and walks off.]


What a pointless conversation. Nothing like worrying about catching cold when you have a knife to your lungs. Sheesh.



What Brought You Here?

Here are some of the latest searches that people have used to get to my site…


From: http://www.google.com.au
Ranked #1
“Now take your pig-stick and your boyfriend, and find a bus to catch.”

From: http://www.google.es
Ranked #2
“space de gente skin”

From: http://search.msn.com
Ranked #1
“BoA site:spaces.msn.com”

From: http://search.msn.com
Ranked #1
“drea site:spaces.msn.com”


The first one is too funny. The fact that someone typed the entire Van Damme quote is hilarious. The second one makes no sense to me.




ADDENDUM (Aug 02, 2005): I’ve received several hits for Air Conditioning BTU-to-Square-Footage searches. Here is a site that will help you out: Click Here

Filed under: Humour, Spaces Archive | 10 Comments »

Send Obliged Antics

Posted on July 6, 2005 by Jorge

Send Wishes!

It’s my wife’s birthday today. Click here to go to the entry, and leave a comment if you like!



Much Obliged

I’ve come across a lot of people in the blogging world who feel as if it is their pubilc duty to post something every day. While this is an admirable goal, I sometimes wonder what is behind this obsession.

Granted, I somehow manage to post something every day, but that is mostly due to the crazy features that I have started on here.

No rest for the wicked, so they say.

I suppose blogging as an outlet of emotions and thoughts brings with it a type of validation in the form of comments. People read your thoughts, and if you allow comment, you will most likely receive some feedback on what you have expressed in the words that you type. Thus, when people start paying attention to you, you feel as if you need to perform for them, and so you continue writing for the sake of the crowd, with one eye on your statscounter.

This is a powerful addiction.

But is it a bad one?

Perhaps not.

There are times when I shudder at some of the oddities out there. Indeed, lack of spelling skill and horrible grammar run rampant on a lot of the spaces that I have seen. Some of this is intentional, and some of it is not. But the lowest common denominator is that everyone writes and writes to a potentially fickle audience.

Personally, other than the haiku and alternative dictionary entries, I write when the mood takes me. Sometimes I will come up with an idea for a column, but not really have enough to justify writing. I simply write down the idea and any pertinent notes, and allow it to cure. I keep a list of these in my inbox at home to pull up at a later date when I feel the need to write about something (or perhaps I have mulled over the idea enough to justify writing about it).

I also tend to avoid posting on the weekends, mostly due to my own busy schedule.

Tell me your thoughts about why you post, and whether you control your blog, or your blog controls you.



More Dave and Jorge Antics

Recently, I was relaying a story to Dave about a phone conversation with a customer service gal I had where she was really accomodating. Good service is something rare these days, so when someone goes the extra mile, it really shines.

Of course, us being dirty boys, we joked about the girl helping me out so much because she wanted to get wit dis.

The following snippet shows how much of a bastard Dave is…


Dave: Maybe she liked you.
Jorge: Of course! And why not?
Dave: Why not!
Jorge: Mrs. Jorge will be there, too.
Dave: Yeah?
Jorge: Threesome!
Dave: Indeed.
Jorge: In the movie theatre no less.
Dave: Fun times.
Jorge: Two Hands in the popcorn!
Dave: Both yours.
Jorge: WHEEEEEEEEE!

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Humour, Spaces Archive, Special Events | 11 Comments »

Material That Shocks Me and MSN

Posted on June 29, 2005 by Jorge

Material That Writes Itself

A wise person once said the best things in life are free.

Sometimes this is true. Especially when it comes to golden bits of dialogue that we come across in everyday that are just plain funny.

I know a character (who shall remain nameless) that has a great outlook on life, and an amazing sense of humour. Part of what makes this person so funny is that half of the time he doesn’t mean to be funny, which makes it all the more hilarious.

I figured I would share a few of these moments with you to brighten your day, because God knows I need it…



Scene 1

This individual got a new cell phone a few months ago. One of the ringtones is the theme song from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. On this particular day, his phone rang, and we all laughed, as we usually do.

After his conversation he was talking about his ringtone, and spoke of all of us re-enacting the movie. So I thought I would ask him a simple question…


JORGE: So which one are you? The good, the bad or the ugly?
GUY: I just want to be the horse…



Scene 2

This guy and I were discussing the merits of deodorant. English not being his first language, he was puzzled as to why cologne sometimes translates to toilétte (I always thought it was aftershave, but what do I know?).

Afterwords, the conversation turned to personal usage. I mentioned that I use a little stick deorodorant and a spray of cologne (Tommy – The best). He laughed and implied that it was overkill. This is what was said…


GUY: I don’t use deodorant or cologne.
JORGE: Well I do because I tend to sweat a bit. Maybe you don’t sweat, which might lead me to believe that you don’t really smell bad.
GUY: Well, I do sweat. But I usually plan to go home when I sweat.
JORGE: Well then maybe you do smell.
GUY: Not as bad as other people.
JORGE: Well, you can’t really know that. No one can ever know how bad they really smell, because it’s their own odour, and they habituate.
GUY: Oh. That might explain why I’m still single…


Man, self-writing material is the bomb!



Shock Therapy

It’s been a while since my last TTC rant. This won’t be a long one. It’s not so much about the TTC as it is about stupid people.

I observed a guy get on this morning (during rush hour) and just stand a few feet in from the door. Please note that the subway was crowded, and that if he had taken a few more steps, he would have freed up a path for the ten people behind him to occupy free space beyond the entrance.

Clueless Joe (as I have decided to call him), stood there nearly until the warning bells sounded (which means the doors will close momentarily), and only moved because the gentleman behind him asked politely (three times). Five people never made it on.

I think that the TTC should have workers with cattle prods by every entrance to ensure a smooth operation.



It Just Snuck Up On Me

While it is not apparent, I know for a fact that we have hit our 500th haiku. It hasn’t been written yet, but we are sitting at 486, and the ever-present Drea has submitted 14 (Which makes her last one the 500th).

Unfortunately, I’ve been a bit busy as of late, and I wasn’t paying attention, so I don’t have a photo picked out.

So what I will do is invite Drea to pick a genre of photos from which to draw a new prize (or even a photo itself at my photography page), and the winner of the contest will get that one (8×10). Seeing as she is not allowed to win the main prize (according to the rules, no one can win two main prizes in a row, but can win more than one if their wins are separated by other winners), I figure this is a safe bet.

She will get a 4×6 of whatever she picks, seeing as she requested the 500th haiku.



Kudos to MSN

A big round of applause to MSN for opening up the extended editor. Those of you who are on Spaces know what I’m talking about.

Now we can take even more time out of our lives refining our posts!

Filed under: Humour, Rants, Spaces Archive | 8 Comments »

Roughing Up What I Learned About Movies

Posted on June 21, 2005 by Jorge

Roughing It

Well, not quite.

This past weekend was spent up in Awenda with the K-Rot crowd. Not all of them, of course, just a few. Two of us went up on Friday night and set up in some spitting rain (which is preferable to what they got further north). Two more arrived early Saturday morning (that would be 02:30), and the rest arrived on Saturday evening.

It was nice to get away from the city. The air always smells great up there. There is still pollution, mind you, but not quite as much as down in Toronto, so the breathing is easier.

One interesting thing about camping is that it tends to bring out the best or the worst in people (much like weddings, funerals, or exclusive concert ticket sales). This weekend, it definitely brought out the best.

We spent so much time laughing that my abs hurt on Monday. Here are some of the funny moments extracted for your enjoyment…

[Jorge and his friend are trying to get a bigger fire going. Jorge, in his infinite wisdom and disregard for physics started the fire on a large piece of watermelon rind. It didn’t go so well.]
GUY: [Redistributing wood.] Maybe we can fix your mistake here.
JORGE: [Adding some more kindling.] Shut it!
GUY: [Starts to fan fire vigourously with plate. The flames start rising.] See?
JORGE: [Unconvinced. Every time his friend stops fanning, the flames die down quite significantly.] Do you want me to blow instead?
GUY: [Reaching for his own fly.] Sure, but I don’t know how that will help.
[Cackles of insanity ensue while everyone else looks on, puzzled.]


[There was some ill timing with some of the women and their cycles. Someone had to make an emergency run to the store to pick up some feminine hygiene products. Since his car was the only one parked on the site, Jorge offers to go.]
JORGE: I’ll go grab some pads for you.
GIRL: Are you sure?
JORGE: Yeah, it’s no big deal. I’ll probably be about five or ten minutes.
GIRL: Thanks so much! I use Always brand.
JORGE: Ok. What kind do you want me to get?
GUY: What do you mean what kind does she want you to get?
JORGE: They have different kinds for different situations.
GUY: Different kinds, eh?
JORGE: Yes.
GUY: Bring back vanilla then.
[Cackles of insanity ensue once more, echoing loudly through the park.]



What I Learned At Camp

  • Trying to burn watermelon rinds takes an awfully long time
  • Trying to start a fire on a watermelon rind is not a good idea
  • Not practicing playing the guitar and singing songs makes for really idiotic campfire sing-alongs
  • Women can snore just as loudly as guys
  • No matter how cool you think someone is, they look hilarious curled up in a lime green plaid sleeping bag
  • Eating too much watermelon pretty much guarantees that you will not sleep the whole night through without getting up to pee at least seventy times



Movies That Should Be Made

In the spirit of all of these video games being made into movies (Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat, etc.), I thought I would make my own suggestions for some movies that I think should be made out of various games. Check out some of these titles…


Tetris: The Movie
Young Dimitri Petrovich is a worker in a small grocery store with an uncanny knack for stocking shelves. One day an army general sees this ability and becomes obsessed with a way to harness this boy’s abilities. He comes up with an elaborate plan to create a fake contest so that the boy will eventually end up working for the military, figuring out the most efficient formations to decimate enemies in ground warfare. Hilarity ensues.


Minesweeper: The Hidden Enemy
Sarah-Jane Poseramo is a mother of seventeen with an amazing gift. She can detect mines subconsciously and avoid them. Scientists want to ask her to use her abilities to help clean up some of the minefields around the world, but she refuses, claiming that science is against her religion. The scientists kidnap her son and place him in the middle of one of the world’s deadliest minefields, telling her that she has to save them. Will she be able to get to him in time? One would think so. But there is a catch. The mines were placed in the ground by Dimitri Petrovich! Who will win? You have to watch to find out!


Freecell: The Rise and Fall of New New York
Idiot savant Bill McBilly lost both his elbows in a bizarre trolley accident in San Francisco. He enters a speed solitaire competition where the prize is enough money for him to pay for the operation to get new elbows. What he doesn’t know is that aliens are running the show, and whoever loses gets anally probed with the coldest monitoring decides the aliens have stored in their freezer. Will Billy’s uncanny ability to always come out on top save his ass from the alien threat?


These riveting titles will do really well at the box office in my opinion. With the right directors and producers, we would have oscar material here…

Suffice to say the John Williams will be composing the music for all three, and the scores will sound like you’ve heard them before. In fact, all three of them will be the same melody, just played in a different scale.

Filed under: Anecdotes, General Dialogue, Humour, Spaces Archive, Top 10 | 13 Comments »

Jorge’s Guide to Inviting Children With Bad Habits

Posted on May 6, 2005 by Jorge

  • Buy a model of a complete skeleton. Make sure it is kid-sized. Adult skeleton will not work
  • Hang it in a spare closet in the house
  • Wait until children misbehave and then start mentioning their older brother who didn’t listen
  • Inevitably children’s curiosity will prompt them to ask about said older brother
  • Make a show of not wanting to talk about it
  • Arrange to have them find the model skeleton by accident
  • Problem solved



An Open Invitation

Contact has officially started (actually it started last week). Contact is the largest photo exhibition in North America. It runs for the month of May. Tomorrow (the 7th) there will be an opening for my work at Cornerstone Furniture.

Please come out if you are interested in seeing what it is that I like to photograph (actually, what I have on display is a small cross-section). There are also quite a number of other photographers showing their work in the neighbourhood, making it quite the evening if you like photography.

I will have some munchies and juice, and there will be a guestbook for people to sign.

Check my Photography Page for information.



My Worst Habits

I am a very enthusiastic person. I’m sure this can be quite a positive thing (infectious, hopefully), but at the same time, I know it can annoy the hell out of people.

This enthusiasm leads to some of my worst habits.

Bad Habit #1 – Unnecessary Revelation

Yes, that makes it sound way better than it is. A very annoying thing that I do is tell people that they should go look at something, and then completely describe it in the next breath, thus ruining the wonder of their discovery. This is not to say that I spoil movie endings or anything like that. On the contrary, those are sacred, and the law states that spoiling movies is punishable by castration. No, the things I am referring to are blog entries, or something publicly available for viewing. Sometimes I relate stories to people who aren’t even interested in the topic, but they listen politely, and nod in all the right places.

Bad Habit #2 – Replying to EVERY E-mail

This is a bad habit that definitely annoys everyone. I will reply to every e-mail that I see in my inbox, regardless of content. I will reply most of the time with short phrases that really are best left untyped.

Observe…



To: All employees
From: CEO
Subject: Meeting
I wanted to thank everyone for coming out to the meeting today. It was a good experience and I think we are all re-affirmed of our place in the market.

Sincerely,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Meeting
The pleasure was ours. The meeting was informative, and I know I took away quite a number of things to consider.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Meeting
This type of feedback is most appreciated. Have a great day!

Sincerely,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
You too.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
Ok, that’s enough.

With warning,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
Okay.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
Honestly, stop it.

I’m not kidding,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
Gotcha.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
You’re fired.

With Vengeance,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting
🙂

Thanks,
Jorge



It’s odd. I’m not normally about getting in the last word. But something about e-mail induces obsessive-compulsive behaviour in me.

Just thought I would share these with you. I know I torment a lot of you with these things, and so I apologize. Will I stop? Probably not. I at least acknowledge these bad habits though, which is the first step towards building a better illusion for myself.

Filed under: Humour, Spaces Archive, Top 10 | 18 Comments »

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