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Goodest Other

Me Am Goodest At English

Sometimes I’ll come up with the stupidest analogies. What makes matters worse is that Dave and I think they’re quite funny. It also doesn’t help that one stupid analogy usually leads to another.

Yes, this is a bad thing.

Observe human de-evolution in action…


[Flashback to the past. Most likely mid 90’s. The scene opens with Dave and Jorge driving around Georgetown*, most likely to Subway for a tasty treat. They are discussing a celebrity who is very rich.]
Dave: Man that guy is so rich.
Jorge: Yes. He is. He’s so rich…
Dave:
That he’s got money to burn.
Jorge: He’s so rich…
Dave:
That he uses hundred dollar bills to wipe his ass.
Jorge: Nice.
Dave: He’s so rich…
Jorge: [Fumbling.] That he’s rich beyond all recognition…
Dave: What the hell does that mean?
Jorge: I don’t know, but it’s seems to work.
Dave: [Mocking Jorge.] Hey, check out that guy! A second ago, before he got all that money, I knew who he was! Now? I have no clue! In fact, I don’t recognize him at all!
Jorge: Shit.
Dave: I guess the opposite would be poor beyond all anonymity.
Jorge: Yikes. Man, I didn’t know who that guy was, until he went bankrupt and lost everything!
Dave: [Laughing.]
Jorge: I’d hate to be that guy.


Nobel Prize to Jorge and Dave? No.

Knob-el Prize? Perhaps.

You can obseve some other bad analogies on a friend’s page. His name is Dave as well.



The Other Dave

I am surrounded by Daves, and they are all awesome. I plan to have an army of Daves to do my bidding one day. When I shout DAVE! from atop my throne, all Daves will look to me for instruction.

This particular Dave is also a great guy. We spent the last years of University hanging out, developing weird games involving rubber dart guns and Kinder Egg toys. Perhaps one day I’ll regale you with tales of our misdeeds and silliness.

Or not.

We shall see.

Here is his page. It might be out of date, but it still has some cool links on it, as well as cool information.




* – This in and of itself is bad**.
** – Not as bad as driving around Acton***!
*** – Point taken.

An Extra Impractical Not-Quite-Connected Rubber Magnifico

An Extra, Extra Long Weekend

Well, I’ll be gone on a camping trip this weekend, so you won’t be hearing from me for a while. My last non-haiku entry ended up being somewhat serious. However, it seemed to generate a lot of great comments and that is a good thing.

This entry will be comprised of several not-so-serious pieces.

Have yourselves a great week, and I’ll be back on Monday!



Impractical Fashion

I understand that there are some articles of clothing out there that raise some eyebrows. Most of these are worn to make a statement, and they end up either showing more skin, or accenting something else. It’s all good.

However, when the style becomes an act of idiocy I shake my head.

I saw a girl on the subway the other day, who was probably fifteen or sixteen (it’s hard to tell because I’m convinced they put breast-growth juice™ in the water in Toronto). She was wearing a tank top which showed off her midriff (which is an acceptable thing, for the most part, these days), and she had on black cotton panties. There was nothing really all that special about them.

They were very plain. I could even draw a picture for you.

How could I do this? How do I know what they looked like so well? Easy. She was wearing her pants below her butt. I kid you not. Rather than allowing her hips to do the work of holding up her pants, she seemed to have decided that it would be far more efficient to wear her pants in a way that caused them to fall down every ten seconds.

When fashion becomes physically impractical it becomes stupid. I was hoping for some kind of emergency evacuation, just to see her try to run with her pants constantly falling down…



Not Quite Connected

Another little tidbit of conversation between Dave and I. We’ve known each other for so long that the stupidest things seem funny. I have no idea how this conversation came up, but Dave turned it into something so silly that it became hilarious. Well, it did for us, anyway…


Jorge: So, I was talking to this girl once about a female hygiene problem.
Dave: Yeah?
J: You know, a problem that has something in common with an ingredient involved in baking bread.
D: Flour?
J: And an ingredient involved in making beer.
D: Rolling pins?
J: There you go.


Incidentally, the girl I was talking about was not my wife. Also please bear in mind that I don’t just talk to women about these kinds of things for no reason. I believe that a commercial aired around the time of that discussion involving a yeast infection treatment. It was quite funny, as the commercial addressed a man’s awkwardness in dealing with stuff like that. As a solution to this problem, the commercial had a small picture-in-picture window in the bottom righthand corner with a football game in progress, just for the guys.

Classic.



Rubber Johnny

Has anyone seen this film? It is insane. It is a bit creepy, but you have to stick with it to see the really strange part. Check it out. There is no way you can predict movies like this.



Cinco Magnifico

Last year on our trip, one of our friends would handle things in the fire with his bare hands. This earned him the nickname Gloves For Hands. This sparked a conversation about what the rest of us should be called…


Jorge: So, if you’re Gloves For Hands, what does that make me?
B: How about Big Sack?
J: Er….How did you get that?
B: Because you have a big sack?


(Incidentaly, he was referring to the obscenely large backpack I had bought for the trip. The capacity was 110L. It was crazy.)

And so, the Cinco Magnifico was born. A group of superheroes with strange powers. The best power, though, was Prehensile Penis Man (Dave, of course). How did we come up with that name? I don’t even remember.

To celebrate our newfound diversion, I created some t-shirts. During the design process, I was chatting with Dave about logo colours. Essentially, each guy would have a simple man symbol (like the one on washroom doors), with the appropriate part changed to match the power (The logo for Gloves For Hands for example, has red oven mitts superimposed onto the hands of the man symbol). You can imagine what would be superimposed onto the man symbol for the Prehensile Penis Man t-shirt…


Jorge: So I am almost finished with the t-shirts.
Dave: Sweet. Does they look good?
J: I think so. I just need to finish the logos.
D: Awesome.
J: So, what colour do you want your penis?
D: Man, the things you say out loud on the phone.
J: Seriously. I need a colour for each guy. Mine is blue, what do you want yours to be?
D: I don’t know. Purple?
J: Okay.
D: Wait a minute. I don’t know about that now…
J: Don’t worry, it’s just a symbol. Besides, it will be the standard run-of-the-mill purple, not an engorged, veiny purple.
D: That sounds so much better now.


Yep. That the way we usually hash out our ideas. Scary, huh?

The Handsome Canadian

The Handsome Man

There is a submarine sandwich shop nearby. I go there once in a while. Almost all the ladies behind the counter are flirty latinas. They are of varying age and not all of them are really my type, truth be told (not that I’m looking). However, they are notoriously friendly, and they always make me smile. Observe…

 

Jorge: Hi there, I’d like a grilled cheddar club, please.
Sandwich Girl: [Assembling Sub.] What would you like on it?
J: Tomatoes, lettuce, green peppers, mushrooms and a little mayo and mustard, please.
SG: [Looking coy.] You have a sexy accent.
J: Actually, I have a cold.
SG: You should never lose your cold. At least, I hope you don’t.
J: Er….Thanks?

 

I don’t go in there all the time. Partially because I can’t eat submarine sandwiches every day, but also partly because I am afraid of them devouring me or something. I think they are reverse vampires.

The best exchange that I had is from the other day. There are two gals involved behind the counter this time. One was older (probably in her late forties) and the other was younger (mid twenties). I think the younger one was the daughter of the older one. Either way…

 

Sandwich Lady: [Nudging the Sandwich Girl as I walk in.] Oh look! Here comes…the handsome man*.
Jorge: [Blushing early in the exchange already.] Hi ladies.
SL: [Grinning.] What can I get for…the handsome man?
J: I’ll have a pizza sub, please.
SL: [Industriously working away at making my lunch, singing.] I am making a sandwich for…the handsome man
Sandwich Girl: What are you doing? [Looking at SL incredulously.]
SL: I am serving this…handsome man here [Winks at me.].
SG: Do you think you should be talking like that? [Looking apologetically at me.]
SL: Of course! He’s a…handsome man. Are you disagreeing with me?
SG: Well…[Looking embarassed.]…No…
SL: See?
[At this point, the man standing in line behind me decided to chime in.]
Man In Line: What about me, am I a handsome man too?
SL: [Turns to man, and her smile flies off her face to be replaced by a stern frown.] No.

I had to stifle a laugh. Tears formed and I hurriedly wiped them away. I felt horrible for that guy, but at the same time it was hilarious.

While I don’t think I’m hideous, I don’t think I am anywhere close to making it onto the Friday list on Kill the Goat by any stretch of the imagination.

Still, it’s nice to be flattered, even by crazy people.

Canadian Tired

I was at Canadian Tire yesterday, and a mother and her two daughters were shopping for camping supplies. One girl was sitting in the cart in the child prison, while the other was walking around looking at everything. This kid had what I refer to as the chaos touch. She would walk by displays and things would fall of their own accord without her touching anything.

I sometimes marvel at the logic that parents use when dealing with their children. Check out this dialogue between the two of them…

 

Daughter: [Running up to her mother, holding a campfire sandwich griller.] Mom! Check this out, isn’t it cool?
Mother: What is it?
D: Well, it’s a thing you can use to make grilled sandwiches and pancakes. Wouldn’t that be cool, mom?
M: But we bought a stove. We can just make pancakes on the stove.
D: But wouldn’t it be cool to make pancakes on the fire?
M: Well that’s nice, honey, but pancakes taste better on the stove.
D: Can we at least show dad? He might like it!
M: I don’t think so. I think he likes the stove better.
D: [To her credit, she wasn’t whining, she was just persistent.] Don’t you think we need this in case the stove doesn’t work?
M: The stove is new it will work. Just go put it back.
D: Okay, mom. I still think it would’ve been cool.
[I was impressed at the mother in how she dealt with the situation. Well, I was until…]
M: Now this is something cool [Pointing at a display.].
D: What is it?
M: A lantern. But it’s remote controlled.
D: Wow. Do we really need that?
M: Oh yes. I think we could definitely use that…

 

Now, the campfire griller was about ten dollars or something cheap like that. The remote control lantern? A mere eighty dollars, for a completely impractical device no less (in my mind, anyway). I would have relented eventually for the griller, if only to keep my kids busy (supervised, of course, even though it is quite safe).

But to buy a remote control lantern…

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but what the hell good is it?

 

* – To fully appreciate this story you have to pronouce this the same way that the Sandwich Lady did. She would pause slightly just before she would say “handsome man”, and the way she would pronounce it was “hend-a-sum man-a” (The last “a” was not a full “a” but rather, a very small one. Sort of like emphasizing the “n” when you say “the letter n”).

I Like the Creative Education Story

Why I Like Superman

A lot of my close friends will tell you that I am obsessed with Superman. Not in a crazy-nutcase-fan way, but in a more subtle, thoughtful way.

One of my favourite shows of all time is the animated series created in 1996. In my opinion it is more consistent than the comic books (which change the story every five seconds).

I recently ordered this on DVD, and I was watching an episode the other day when my wife sat down beside me to pass some time. She’s pretty cool for watching some of my favourite shows with me and asking questions about the characters.

She asked me why I liked Superman above all other superheroes.

This was a good question. I told her I would think about it, and here is the result.

To say I like Superman might be a bit of a misleading statement. Instead, I’ll state that I have a particular vision of Superman that I really like a lot. To find out what this images is, and why I like it, we’ll have to start at the beginning.

Growing up, I would catch episodes of Superman on television. Superman was even on Sesame Street once. As a kid, I liked the fact that superman could fly, and that he was very strong. Above those qualities, I admired him for his principles, and how he would use his gifts to help those who needed assistance. One thing that I really wanted to be when I was a child was helpful (who knows what happened since then).

Here was a guy who had unlimited potential. He could use his powers to get money and toys and whatever else my imagination could think of, and yet he just helped out.

As I got older, my mother introduced me to comic books. She bought a big box and I would read and re-read everything in there. I used to know most of the stories by heart. I enjoyed some of them immensely.

Unfortunately, not all of them were to my liking. Being a nerdy kid, I had a better-than-average understanding of science. A lot of what happened in the comic books was very odd, and didn’t make sense. Also, at that time, I would watch Justice League of America and Superfriends on television. Superman was much stronger in these newer cartoons. In fact, in one episode the Earth’s orbit was disrupted, sending our planet hurtling into the sun. Superman actually moved the planet back into orbit.

While superpowers are a thing of fantasy, this didn’t really jive with me. No one should ever be that powerful. It was too fantastic.

I fell out of my Superman admiration phase, and kept up with Batman. I started reading more Marvel comics, and enjoyed Daredevil and Wolverine. Two of the most flawed heroes you can imagine. Superman had no flaws anymore, and that made him uninteresting.

Fast forward to my university days and a book called Kingdom Come. This comic book should be read by everyone. It is the story of how Superman leaves Metropolis because people want more violent heroes. Eventually things spiral out of control and he comes back. It’s a great commentary on the state of comics, and on the state of people in these modern times. There are moments where Superman believes that he is right in taking control of the situation. But then there are times when he despairs at his lack of perspective, and has no idea what to do.

This book portrayed the most human Superman ever, in my opinion. I was hooked again. The regular series was mediocre, and enjoyable enough, but it didn’t strike as resonant a chord as Kingdom Come did.

Shortly after the release of that book the new animated Superman show aired. Superman was not so perfect. He took his lumps, and he got angry just like a normal person. While mostly benevolent, he had his moments where it looked like he was thinking about pounding the crap out of some criminal.

In the pilot episode a large battle suit is stolen. The terrorists use it against Superman. Over and over the terrorist John Corben keeps hammering Superman with all manner of weaponry. Finally Superman takes the suit apart, pulls John out, and asks (with a very angry expression) maybe we can go a few rounds without the suit? It is this realistic emotional portrayal of a fictional character that really draws me to the series.

To me, this is Superman. A person gifted with power who tries his best to do good and fit in. A person who makes mistakes, and has his share of problems, but does his best to persevere in the face of adversity (and the occasional alien invasion). Plus the costume is cool.

What’s not to like?



Another Creative Spam Name

Anyone remember Brontosaurus B. Intemperance?

Well I think I got a spam from his brother…


Uncomplimentary H. Fuzziness


Wow. The believability of that name is hard to dispute.



Ire Education

A friend of mine sent me a news article that talked about how the word fail should be banned from British classrooms. It would be replaced with the phrase deferred success to ensure that students are not demoralized.

Indeed, even here in Canada it’s getting harder to give students accurate marks. Failed student statistics are usually made to reflect poorly on the teacher, and ultimately on the Principals.

Sugar-coating failure is just another step towards the softening of our society. Shielding children from negativity is just going to create a false sense of security which will lead to problems.

Unfortunately, it’s our government that implements the policies that lead to this idiocy. Most likely it is about keeping our country competitive in the global arena.

Our government doesn’t want Canadian kids to look stupid, as that would eventually reflect poorly on our country.

Much better to make them falsely look good so they can display all of their stupidity to the world later when they become politicians.



What’s Your Story?

I received a comment a while back from someone from MSN who indicated that I might be on What’s Your Story?.

Essentially it’s a front page to MSN Spaces that highlights a couple of blogs and also has a section highlighting other spaces (which changes on a weekly basis).

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I have profanity on my blog (mostly in the Hai-Kuul section) I didn’t make the cut. What’s Your Story? is a family-rated space, so profanity is a no-no.

If you are planning on making it onto there, I would suggest you change your swearing ways.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank MSN for considering me. It feels great to be recognized for creativity.

More Stupider Feature

People Are Becoming More Stupider

I was on the subway today listening to some kid bragging about his typing speed. He mentioned that he had the bestest technique, which allowed him to type more faster.

Honestly, do I really need to elaborate on this?



This Might As Well Be a Weekly Feature

Dave and I (and a number of others) are going camping next weekend. In his attempt to be a good guy (which he will always be, regardless of what he does), he offered to buy me a propane tank so that he might use my camp stove for cooking (we tend to do food preparation with a partner, and as sexy as Dave is, Mrs. J wins the hottie competition hands down, and so Dave is partnered with another stoveless person).

Note the exchange…


J: Hey Mano. You don’t need to worry about the tank.
D: Really?
J: Seriously. First of all, my stove burns white gas, so you showing up with a propane tank would help no one.
D: Err…That might pose a problem.
J: Secondly, we already have three canisters.
D: What do those cost? How much do they charge to fill them?
J: Napthalene comes in big drums. It’s pretty cheap, and it lasts forever. We only used a tank and a half at most last year.
D: Oh.
J: I appreciate the offer, but it’s not needed, and the cost is so small as to be relatively insignificant.
D: Well I have to do something.
J: Nah.
D: Really, is there anything I can do in trade?
J: Ummmmm….
D: Not that.

To be honest, I wasn’t even trying to be funny, but I was laughing like an idiot after Dave‘s line.

Dave and I have so many funny conversations that this should become a regular feature. Of course, by doing that, I would feel as if it were an obligation, and it would stress me out. So forget that nonsense. For one thing, I don’t really need another feature spiraling out of control. Secondly, while we find these conversations funny, we are not so egotistical as to believe that everyone would like them. That damned 10% holdout pisses us off.