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Hey! Movie Monkey Prince is Obviously a Runner Who Rocks Something Awful

Posted on April 4, 2006 by Jorge

Hey! I Saw You On TV!
Once in a while, someone will tell me that I remind them of someone. Sometimes it’s flattering, and sometimes it’s not. Dave wrote an article about this last year, which was pretty hilarious.



Me, courtesy of South Park Studio.



I wondered which celebrities reminded my friends of me, so I decided to ask them. This list is the result. Unlike Dave, I haven’t put pictures of myself up for comparison.
This is because I am a lazy jerk…


The Movie Maker



M. Night Shyamalan



This was Reay‘s pick.
I wondered if Reay picked Shyamalan because of his inherently cool geekiness (although, while I posess the geekiness part, I’m not sure about the cool), or his strange hair.
The reasoning was much simpler…


He’s a brown guy like you…



Yeah.
Great criteria, Reay.


The Monkey



Curious Jorge finds his Frog.



Most of the kids in my grade school called me Curious George, claiming we looked alike.
I was always puzzled because no matter how many times I checked the mirror, I could not see any real similarities other than the fact we had the same number of limbs and big ears.
I also didn’t understand why they kept calling me that because my name is spelled with a J rather than a Ge.
I would just shrug my shoulders and go back to reading my Hardy Boys books.


The Prince



Whatchu lookin’ at, Carlton?



I was first compared to Will Smith in high school.
It came at an opportune time because I was feeling low, and the person who told me was a pretty girl.
I could never figure out why. Again, it might be the ear thing, or a similar pigment.
I suspect it was because I was kinda goofy and had a wee moustache, just like Mr. Smith up there.
Either way, that was a cool thing to hear.
Once in a while someone will tell me I remind them of Will Smith, and I just smile, nod, and then break it down, ol’ skool.


The Obvious



I have an evil twin. Or is he the good one?



My friend Dan pointed this out to me.
It’s just another guy named Jorge Figueiredo who has a blog.
I think he lives in Portugal or Brazil. So if you want to visit him, knock yourself out.
Of course, don’t blame me if he comes looking for you.


The Runner



Carl?



Dave came up with this selection.
He also included an explanation as to why he chose it…


This guy, but only because of the haircut. (Okay, also because of that time you were shot in the buttocks.)



Dave always knows how to bring back painful memories.


The Rock



The People must test my deodorant.



My brother chose The Rock as someone who I resemble. I asked him why, and this is what he said…


The picture just looked like you with a tattoo, and you have a lot of charisma.



That was a really nice thing of him to say. Considering he is one of the smartest people I know, I figure he’s right.
Of course, he failed to mention my eyebrow problems and my inability to speak in anything but the third person.


The Awful Truth



Loincloths are in! Trust me! I wear it Scottish Style!



Shatton picked Giant Kamala as my lookalike.
He has an interesting way of looking at things, so I’ll let him explain…


This is a pic of someone who reminds me of you (but not the other way around). Because he is as crazy as you be.



There is nothing I can add to that statement.

Filed under: General Dialogue, Humour | 17 Comments »

Leggo My Birthday!

Posted on March 28, 2006 by Jorge

Leggo My Wino

Mrs. J and I headed over to Niagara-On-The-Lake this past weekend.

Niagara-On-The-Lake is a great place to visit because of the many wineries scattered about the region.

We’ve been on several winery tours and even more tastings. It’s an excellent way to spend the weekend.

I don’t normally plug these types of things on here, but there is a particular winery that makes exceptional wine that I just have to mention.

The winery is called Lailey Vineyard. It is a small place located just outside of Niagara-On-The-Lake.

It is run by winemaker Derek Barnett. He is a great guy with an amazing knack for crafting great wines. You need to check this place out, if you are at all interested in wine. I have to say that their Rosé is amazing, even if you are not a Rosé drinker.



Birthdays!

A happy belated birthday to Cat. She’s been a bit quiet as of late, but I suspect that sometime soon she will post something awesome (as usual). You can check out her site to see some great posts that she has done in the past.

Also, a happy birthday to Courtney! She is now the ripe old age of 24 today. She posts quite often and always welcomes guests new and old. So go check her site out as well!

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 10 Comments »

Spam Blade

Posted on March 7, 2006 by Jorge

Spam Enchanted Evening

Unfortunately, junk mail sent from oddly-named sources has not been too popular in my inbox these days*. Whether it’s because my new Outlook 2003 Junk Mail filter is much more effective, or my ISP’s spam-fighting algorithms are really working, I don’t know.

However, enough make it through to make life entertaining. Last time, it was all about a seafaring vessel. This time, it is about the major players in a brothel**.

So welcome to Spam Enchanted Evening, where all of your needs are met by our helpful staff…


Conception Holcomb – Conception is the brainy dame behind the operations of this wonderful brothel. She keeps things running like a well-lubricated machine. Frankly, everyone likes it that way. Conception, a single woman, lives vicariously through her staff due to the fact that she could get pregnant on fumes, and strives to avoid any physical contact with the unfairer sex due to her phobia of children. Conception believes that both men and women require stress relief, and so offers up the establishment to both sexes. This lady calls the shots in the happiest faux-spa in town.

Octavio McCracken – Unlike his brother Phil, Octavio is all about the ladies. It has been said that this man with the name of a Maestro can play a woman like a concert piano. He conducts quite a number of scores with scientific precision and artistic superiority. Indeed, when it comes to pleasure, this man is all hands.

Inmates C. Enchantress – They call her ICE for short because she can be so cold. The S&M specialist, this lovely lady spends quite a lot of time engaged in an outreach program for criminals. She keeps the stress of our justice system in check by performing conjugal visits to lonely lifers. Everyone knows her bite is definitely worse than her bark.

Subscription U. Renegades – Subby runs a little shop in the brothel that caters to those who need a bit of take-home stimulation. Sub can get his hands on pretty much anything, relying on deals brokered in the back-alleys of Chinatown. People will tell you that there is very little out there that Sub cannot get. In fact, he’s never failed. Be it some strange video relating to zoo animals, or just a plain old Lego fetish DVD, Sub will always deliver.

Placentae O. Neanderthals – Placentae specializes in keeping a certain clientele very happy. Pregnancy fetishists love visiting Placentae because she is beautiful, and always has a bun in the oven. No one has ever figured out that Placentae is actaully related to Conception, as they keep it hush-hush. Unlike her sister, though, Placentae revels in having babies. Being the head of marketing for the brothel, she has a brilliant strategy. When her children learn to ride bikes and use public transit, she pays them an allowance to distribute flyers throughout the city.

Armpits H. Enervates – Arm is the resident registered massage therapist. He has hands as magical as Octavio’s, but specializes in relaxation rather than excitation. Half an hour under his tender care will render you completely relaxed. However, you will find that you will also feel energized, ready to enjoy the rest of the facility.

Scratchiest O. Tutor – Scratchy is a woman who has travelled the world over with her best friend in search of the best techniques for pleasure. She travels to distant lands, immerses herself in the seedy underbelly of wherever she is, and then returns to teach the ways of foreign love to the second-level staff. She encourages a hands-on approach to teaching, and all of her students will acknowledge her as an expert in almost everything. The only complaint that they have, though, is that she never shaves her legs.

Maladies L. Lifetime – Scratchy’s best friend. Unfortunately, Mal experimented a bit too frivolously, and has to pay the price. Until medical science can figure out what’s wrong with him, and replace some of his important body parts, he’s off-limits to the customers, and happily scrubs away as the brothel’s janitor.



So swing by Spam Enchanted Evening sometime and take a load off your feet…or something…

So, what should the next spam-influenced cast of characters be like? Any ideas? E-mail me and I’ll see what I can do.


Blade Sighting

I was on the TTC yesterday at lunch, and I saw a guy sitting on the subway that looked like Whistler from the Blade movies. He had on a big pair of mirrored shades, and a shock of long, white hair. The resemblance was uncanny.

I would steal glances at him every once in a while. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. His expressions were passionless. A stone facade. Just like Whistler.

A few stops after I entered the subway, a man got on who looked like Blade. Black trenchcoat. Dark sunglasses. He, too, looked convincingly real.

The funny part was when they saw each other. They would lock gazes (from behind sunglasses) and then turn away from each other. I was waiting for vampires to come out of the woodwork, followed by a smackdown of epic proportions.

But no such luck.

I found the whole thing amusing, for some reason.




* – Leaving the majority of my junk mail sent from boring, normal names. What disturbs me is that these wouldn’t be so popular if people didn’t respond to these spam ads in the first place. I’d like to meet some of these idiots who’d like to go like rabbits all night long or drown their girlfriends in jizz. I can’t believe people actually believe in this crap.
** – Which was a popular request from the ladies for some strange reason.

Filed under: General Dialogue, Humour, Spaces Archive | 12 Comments »

Sorry Courtesy Remember

Posted on February 20, 2006 by Jorge

Sorry Doesn’t Make a Dead Man Alive

My dad used to say that to me when he didn’t think that I was sincere during an apology*.

It is one of those phrases that has stayed in the back of my mind over the years, resurfacing every once in a while when someone utters an insincere pleas for forgiveness.

This sprang to the front of my mind the other day when I was getting on the subway.

The train had just come to a stop and the doors opened. A young woman barrelled out of the car like a bat out of hell, nearly knocking over an older lady standing next to me.

Without even looking back, she muttered a quick sorry, speeding off to wherever the hell she was going.

Bewildered, the old lady shook her head and made her way into the subway**.

What is is with people these days?

Words like sorry and thank you are becoming trivialized by people who really don’t care about anyone.

I know when I apologize for anything, I make sure that the person knows that I really mean it. Same with everything else.

Far too many people put thank you or have a nice day at the end of their e-mails as part of their signature. As if having it there, pre-recorded, will make it mean something.

I figure if you are going to put those things, you should mean them. Otherwise, they are just empty gestures.



Courtesy

Ever have a really bad day, and then someone says something to set you off, and rather than keeping quiet, you actually let your tongue fly with abandon?

That happened to me a few weeks ago.

I was riding subway home, and the cars were relatively full. An older lady slowly made her way into the car, walking along with her cane.

Not one person offered her a place to sit.

Even worse, the last available seat was taken by a younger guy who actually pushed his way past her to get to it. The old woman looked stunned at this guy’s audacity.

What made this even more annoying is that I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who told me that in her entire pregnancy, only one person offered her a seat***. The issue was fresh in my mind.

Though I normally would speak up in a situation like that, the mood I was in that day made me a little less patient…


Jorge: Hey dude. Maybe you should let the lady sit down.
Punk: [Doesn’t even look up.] Maybe you should just fuck off.
[People stop what they’re doing to listen to us chatting.]
J: It’s common courtesy to give the seat up to someone who might need it more than you.
P: Didn’t you hear what I just said? I got here first, anyway.
J: Yeah, but you’re not elderly, or pregnant. You’re also not disabled.
P: Nope.
J: You know, breaking your knees would probably earn you the right to sit there.
P: [Finally looks up at my not-so-pleased face.] Oh. Uh. Sorry man. Here you go, lady.
[Punk gets up, and the old lady sits down. She looks up and smiles.]
J: That’s a good lad.
[Punk makes his way through the crowd to the other end of the subway. Probably a good idea.]


Stories like that make me sound like I go around picking fights. But I’m not really a violent person. I find that some people just need a bit of a prod to gain a new perspective.

If he had a problem, or was looking really tired, then he probably could have remained there. That would make sense.

But he wasn’t tired or disabled in any way. He was also rude.

I don’t have patience for that.



The Things We Remember

It’s funny what sticks in your head from when you’re a kid.

I’ve been meaning to do a sketch of my friend Shatton as Iron Man, but I’ve been procrastinating. Last night, I printed up some pictured of Shatton and Iron Man so I can get to work on it sooner than later.

Recently, I was chatting with him about this when the conversation took a weird tangent. If you never went to Catholic church you may not understand this…



Click to enlarge…




* – At least, I suspect that was the reason. Maybe he had no reason to say it at all.
** – Of course, no one offered her a seat right away. When someone finally did, she waved them off. Her rejection of the offer was let go too easily for my liking.
*** – And he was visiting from Europe.

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Humour, Rants | 19 Comments »

Unpossible Luck

Posted on February 16, 2006 by Jorge

Me Fail English? That’s Unpossible!

All is not well in the land of Canada. We have many people who, though they insist that they speak the English language, do no such thing.

I don’t know how many times I have heard people making fun of people from other countries for not speaking english properly.

This may be true in some cases.

People from here are no better.

Certainly typos are excusable, as they are made frequently* by us all. But what do you call it when people don’t say things properly? What if they mess up whole expressions?

I’ll share a line I heard the other day. It’s right up there with noo-cue-ler, foilage and irregardless…

Oh, I don’t care. It’s all the same. Six and a half of one, a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?


Seriously**.

This makes me very unproud.



Good Luck to Des

A friend of mine is grading for his black belt tomorrow. I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish him well.

He’s a decent fellow. He’s brutally blunt, but makes no apologies. He’s also a great person, who would go an extra hundred miles for a friend.

If you have any positive words of wisdom for him, please write them as comments.

Truthfully, I don’t think he needs luck. He’s got what it takes.




* – I am notorious for typos. In fact, this is the 58th edit right now! It’s probably still wrong!
** – The actual phrase is six of one, half a dozen of the other. Last time I checked 6.5 does not equal 12.

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Spaces Archive | 20 Comments »

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