Spam Blade

Spam Enchanted Evening

Unfortunately, junk mail sent from oddly-named sources has not been too popular in my inbox these days*. Whether it’s because my new Outlook 2003 Junk Mail filter is much more effective, or my ISP’s spam-fighting algorithms are really working, I don’t know.

However, enough make it through to make life entertaining. Last time, it was all about a seafaring vessel. This time, it is about the major players in a brothel**.

So welcome to Spam Enchanted Evening, where all of your needs are met by our helpful staff…

Conception Holcomb – Conception is the brainy dame behind the operations of this wonderful brothel. She keeps things running like a well-lubricated machine. Frankly, everyone likes it that way. Conception, a single woman, lives vicariously through her staff due to the fact that she could get pregnant on fumes, and strives to avoid any physical contact with the unfairer sex due to her phobia of children. Conception believes that both men and women require stress relief, and so offers up the establishment to both sexes. This lady calls the shots in the happiest faux-spa in town.

Octavio McCracken – Unlike his brother Phil, Octavio is all about the ladies. It has been said that this man with the name of a Maestro can play a woman like a concert piano. He conducts quite a number of scores with scientific precision and artistic superiority. Indeed, when it comes to pleasure, this man is all hands.

Inmates C. Enchantress – They call her ICE for short because she can be so cold. The S&M specialist, this lovely lady spends quite a lot of time engaged in an outreach program for criminals. She keeps the stress of our justice system in check by performing conjugal visits to lonely lifers. Everyone knows her bite is definitely worse than her bark.

Subscription U. Renegades – Subby runs a little shop in the brothel that caters to those who need a bit of take-home stimulation. Sub can get his hands on pretty much anything, relying on deals brokered in the back-alleys of Chinatown. People will tell you that there is very little out there that Sub cannot get. In fact, he’s never failed. Be it some strange video relating to zoo animals, or just a plain old Lego fetish DVD, Sub will always deliver.

Placentae O. Neanderthals – Placentae specializes in keeping a certain clientele very happy. Pregnancy fetishists love visiting Placentae because she is beautiful, and always has a bun in the oven. No one has ever figured out that Placentae is actaully related to Conception, as they keep it hush-hush. Unlike her sister, though, Placentae revels in having babies. Being the head of marketing for the brothel, she has a brilliant strategy. When her children learn to ride bikes and use public transit, she pays them an allowance to distribute flyers throughout the city.

Armpits H. Enervates – Arm is the resident registered massage therapist. He has hands as magical as Octavio’s, but specializes in relaxation rather than excitation. Half an hour under his tender care will render you completely relaxed. However, you will find that you will also feel energized, ready to enjoy the rest of the facility.

Scratchiest O. Tutor – Scratchy is a woman who has travelled the world over with her best friend in search of the best techniques for pleasure. She travels to distant lands, immerses herself in the seedy underbelly of wherever she is, and then returns to teach the ways of foreign love to the second-level staff. She encourages a hands-on approach to teaching, and all of her students will acknowledge her as an expert in almost everything. The only complaint that they have, though, is that she never shaves her legs.

Maladies L. Lifetime – Scratchy’s best friend. Unfortunately, Mal experimented a bit too frivolously, and has to pay the price. Until medical science can figure out what’s wrong with him, and replace some of his important body parts, he’s off-limits to the customers, and happily scrubs away as the brothel’s janitor.

So swing by Spam Enchanted Evening sometime and take a load off your feet…or something…

So, what should the next spam-influenced cast of characters be like? Any ideas? E-mail me and I’ll see what I can do.

Blade Sighting

I was on the TTC yesterday at lunch, and I saw a guy sitting on the subway that looked like Whistler from the Blade movies. He had on a big pair of mirrored shades, and a shock of long, white hair. The resemblance was uncanny.

I would steal glances at him every once in a while. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. His expressions were passionless. A stone facade. Just like Whistler.

A few stops after I entered the subway, a man got on who looked like Blade. Black trenchcoat. Dark sunglasses. He, too, looked convincingly real.

The funny part was when they saw each other. They would lock gazes (from behind sunglasses) and then turn away from each other. I was waiting for vampires to come out of the woodwork, followed by a smackdown of epic proportions.

But no such luck.

I found the whole thing amusing, for some reason.

* – Leaving the majority of my junk mail sent from boring, normal names. What disturbs me is that these wouldn’t be so popular if people didn’t respond to these spam ads in the first place. I’d like to meet some of these idiots who’d like to go like rabbits all night long or drown their girlfriends in jizz. I can’t believe people actually believe in this crap.
** – Which was a popular request from the ladies for some strange reason.