Fun-nay

Snippet

Every once in a while I have a conversation with someone that is so funny to me that I revisit it several times to brighten my day…


[Chris walks up to Jorge.]
Chris: Hey. Have you had your flu shot?
Jorge: Nope.
Chris: I’m going to go over and get mine now. Wanna come along?
Jorge: Nope.
Chris: Oh. Okay.
Jorge: Yeah. I’ve never actually had a flu shot.
Chris: Fair enough.
Jorge: I hope you don’t think less of me.
Chris: I don’t think that’s actually possible.


🙂


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Valentine’s Props

A Valentine’s Tale

This story was originally told to me by one of my psychology profs at University. It is about an exchange between her and her young son, and the result of that exchange. I’m embelleshing the story a little, by fooling around with the format (third person vs. first person).

Some small details might have changed slightly, as I am getting old and my memory is failing, but the bulk of it is spot-on. For the ease of the story we’ll call my prof Mrs. BF and we’ll call her son Danny

Mrs. BF and her husband had friends over every Valentine’s Day. It was an annual ritual that they looked forward to. She was in the kitchen, preparing dinner when her son walked in.

” Hey mom, ” he said.

” Hello, sweetie, ” she replied, ” Is there something I can do for you? “

” Not really, ” smiled the six-year-old tyke.

” Really? ” She looked dubious.

” Well, ” he scuffed his feet together, shy about what he was about to say, ” I was wondering if I could help with stuff? “

Mrs. BF looked surprised. Her eyes softened, and she tousled his hair, ” That’s very sweet, Danny. “

Danny blushed and hugged his mom’s leg.

Mrs. BF looked around the kitchen for something her son could do. She still needed to take care of dinner and set the table. He was too small to handle hot cookware, and a little too clumsy to handle the china, so she decided that she would let him have a very special job.

” Danny, ” she reached over and grabbed the cake that she had baked and iced earlier that afternoon, ” I have a big job for you. “

” Really? ” he looked excited.

” Yes, ” she winked, walking over to the kitchen table and placing the cake down on it. She grabbed a tube of red frosting and helped him up onto the chair, ” I would like you to decorate the cake. “

” Really? ” he looked stunned, ” REALLY, Mom? “

” Yes, ” she smiled, foldly remembering him watching her decorate a birthday cake earlier that year, ” Your writing is much neater now than it used to be, and I think it’s time for you to do some grown-up stuff. “

” That’s so cool! ” he beamed.

” Here you go, ” she gave him the tube.

” Um, ” he scratched his head with his free hand, ” What should I do? “

” Why don’t you write Happy Valentine’s Day? ” she went to the refrigerator and removed one of the cards she had received, placing it on the table next to the cake, ” You can use that as a guide. “

” Wow! Thanks, mom! ” Danny kissed her, and looked at the cake, sizing it up.

Mrs. BF was too busy to supervise the tyke, but she would steal glances as she walked by. She took note of how careful he was writing each letter.

A fair amount of time had gone by, and she saw the word Happy in surprisingly neat, large letters on the cake.

After that, she paid him no mind, allowing him to do his special job, allowing herself to trust him complete his task.

The guests were about to arrive, and she was straightening out the dining room table when she heard him call out from the kitchen.

” Mom, I’m done! ” he sounded very proud, ” Did you want to check it? “

She had her hands full, and didn’t really have time to spare to see his handiwork. She figured she’d enjoy it later.

” No, it’s okay Danny, ” she called, back, ” Just put the lid on it, and we’ll serve it later! “

” Okay, ” he replied.

A few minutes later he came out of the kitchen, all smiles. He ran up to his mom and hugged her.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Company had arrived.

A sumptuous dinner came and went, and Mrs. BF went to the kitchen to fetch the cake that she made and her son decorated.

She brought it out in its container with the opaque lid still on, aiming to maximize her pride in her son by making it a big presentation, and placed it on the table in front of everyone.

” I now present to you the great work of Danny the cake decorator, ” she then lifted the lid off of the cake with a flourish.

There was stunned silence, and then good-natured laughter followed by clapping all around the table.

It seems that Danny had not budgeted his space properly, and the latter part of the message had to be abbreviated…



HAPPY V.D.



Props

I don’t normally give into the commercialism of Valentine’s Day.

I think it’s important to share well-wishes with your loved ones often, and not just on special days.

To that end, here are three haiku for three people I mentioned recently…


To the Blife
You make blogging fun
Keep DC warm for our gang
Don’t hog the blossoms


To the Mife
You rock all kinds, dude
Thanks for your support and your
Eternal friendship


To My Wife
What else can I say?
The world is a better place
With you living here


Love to all,

J

Take a Chance on SPAM!

Take A Chance

I was chatting with Dave the other day, and for one reason or another the subject turned to a John Woo flick called Hard Target.

Incidentally, that movie sucked the big wang in the sky. Jean-Claude Van Damme was up to his normal level of acting, which is located somewhere between a paramecium and a diseased lemming. Wilford Brimley brought all of that talent from the Quaker Oats commercials and put it to good use with the most horrible cajun accent ever. On top of all that, the movie is by John Woo, so half of it will be in slow motion, theoretically making it a third longer than it should have been.

There were two great parts of the movie though. Lines, actually. One of them involves JCVD facing off against some punks on the street. One of them is brandishing a weapon (a staff or something). JCVD utters the line (complete with the Accentotron5000 Phonetic Spellometer™)…


Now tehk yor PIG STICK, an’ yor bohfriend, and fahnd eh bus tew catch.*


Such great writing deserves an Oscar Nomination. Alas, this was not to be.

The other great line was in all the commercials. Briefly, the premise of the movie is that an evil guy (Lance Henriksen) charges people money for a service he provides. He gets old war vets with combat experience to be the prey in a manhunt with live weapons. If the vets win, they get paid. Losing entails being killed in some way. JCVD ends up getting mixed up with a woman whose father was a homeless war vet. JCVD follows the clues, figures out the operation, and challenges the evil people (who try to kill him). Near the end of the movie, JCVD turns the tables on the hunters, and has them pinned in a warehouse. At this point he shouts out…


‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?**


To which Lance answers…

You tell me!


What’s funny about that? Well, Dave was over once, probably playing trivial pursuit with me, when I yelled out to my youngest brother the JCVD line. He didn’t remember the right response (he was ten or eleven, so he had other stuff occupying his brain at that time). The following are some examples, which may actually only be funny to us…


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: I don’t remember!


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Not bad!


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Pretty good, you?


JORGE: ‘Ow duz eet fihl tew be hantahd!!!?
RYAN: Mom!


Good times.



Spam Stands For Stupid People Annoy Me

The increase of SPAM in our everyday lives is a constant annoyance. The internet seems to be composed of one half information and one half SPAM (Thank god John Woo is not in charge of the SPAM or there would be twice as much of it due to slow motion).

My inbox is constantly being barraged with ads for Viagra, Cialis, hot and horny housewives desperate for action, and occasionally the opportunity to garner a college degree from somewhere (another planet, I think).

What’s been more disturbing lately is the fact that a lot of the names in the from field in the header are from familiar sounding people. The first or last names are from actual people in my contact list. Whether this is intentional or not, I don’t know. It scares the crap out of me.

This means that I have to carefully sift through things to make sure that my friends’ correspondence does not get wiped out.

Yesterday, though, I got an e-mail regarding hot models (who want to do me anytime, anywhere for a low low price) from someone named…


…wait for it…


Brontosaurus B. Intemperance


What in the hell is that name?

Definitely not one that would make me pause, thinking hmm, I wonder what my old pal Bronty has sent me today? Wow. Apparently SPAMmers take one step forward and two steps back.

God bless ’em.




* – Now take your pig stick, and your boyfriend, and find a bus to catch.
** – How does it feel to be hunted?