• If you read this blog, you should be committed. Seriously.
  • Calendar

    December 2025
    S M T W T F S
     123456
    78910111213
    14151617181920
    21222324252627
    28293031  
  • Recent Comments

    Unknown's avatarHalfway Up the Stair… on Oh, We’re Halfway T…
    Beth's avatarBeth on Goodbye, Mom
    Jorge's avatarJorge on MM10 – 24 Hour Movie Marathon…
    Jorge's avatarJorge on Got Me On My Knees
    Jorge's avatarJorge on Got Me On My Knees
  • Categories

  • Archives

  • 24 Hour Movie Marathon A Night at the Opera anxiety Audition Awesome Banlieue 13 Birthdays Bloopers Brother Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Camping Canada Cancer Cat Children Conversations Death Race 2000 Delirious depression Dirty Harry District 13 Dolemite Eddie Murphy FAIL Forbidden Planet Friend Friends Friendship Fun Fundraising Funny Gaming Glengarry Glen Ross Government Hai-Kuul Haiku Halloween Health Humour Kids Life Lifeboat Love Memorial Men's Health Men's Mental Health Mental Health Movember movember 2025 Movember Foundation Movie Marathon Movies Music New Year Oldboy On the Waterfront Parents programs Prostate Cancer Remembrance research Shaun Hatton Spam Stupid suicide prevention testicular cancer The Descent The Iron Giant The Mist The Oh In Ohio The Way of the Gun Toronto Toronto Thumbs Tremors Writing
  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 3,446 other subscribers
  • How Many?

    • 155,284 hits
  • Meta

  • MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

Roughing Up What I Learned About Movies

Roughing It

Well, not quite.

This past weekend was spent up in Awenda with the K-Rot crowd. Not all of them, of course, just a few. Two of us went up on Friday night and set up in some spitting rain (which is preferable to what they got further north). Two more arrived early Saturday morning (that would be 02:30), and the rest arrived on Saturday evening.

It was nice to get away from the city. The air always smells great up there. There is still pollution, mind you, but not quite as much as down in Toronto, so the breathing is easier.

One interesting thing about camping is that it tends to bring out the best or the worst in people (much like weddings, funerals, or exclusive concert ticket sales). This weekend, it definitely brought out the best.

We spent so much time laughing that my abs hurt on Monday. Here are some of the funny moments extracted for your enjoyment…

[Jorge and his friend are trying to get a bigger fire going. Jorge, in his infinite wisdom and disregard for physics started the fire on a large piece of watermelon rind. It didn’t go so well.]
GUY:
[Redistributing wood.] Maybe we can fix your mistake here.
JORGE:
[Adding some more kindling.] Shut it!
GUY:
[Starts to fan fire vigourously with plate. The flames start rising.] See?
JORGE:
[Unconvinced. Every time his friend stops fanning, the flames die down quite significantly.] Do you want me to blow instead?
GUY:
[Reaching for his own fly.] Sure, but I don’t know how that will help.
[Cackles of insanity ensue while everyone else looks on, puzzled.]


[There was some ill timing with some of the women and their cycles. Someone had to make an emergency run to the store to pick up some feminine hygiene products. Since his car was the only one parked on the site, Jorge offers to go.]
JORGE:
I’ll go grab some pads for you.
GIRL:
Are you sure?
JORGE:
Yeah, it’s no big deal. I’ll probably be about five or ten minutes.
GIRL:
Thanks so much! I use Always brand.
JORGE:
Ok. What kind do you want me to get?
GUY:
What do you mean what kind does she want you to get?
JORGE:
They have different kinds for different situations.
GUY:
Different kinds, eh?
JORGE:
Yes.
GUY:
Bring back vanilla then.
[Cackles of insanity ensue once more, echoing loudly through the park.]



What I Learned At Camp

  • Trying to burn watermelon rinds takes an awfully long time
  • Trying to start a fire on a watermelon rind is not a good idea
  • Not practicing playing the guitar and singing songs makes for really idiotic campfire sing-alongs
  • Women can snore just as loudly as guys
  • No matter how cool you think someone is, they look hilarious curled up in a lime green plaid sleeping bag
  • Eating too much watermelon pretty much guarantees that you will not sleep the whole night through without getting up to pee at least seventy times



Movies That Should Be Made

In the spirit of all of these video games being made into movies (Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat, etc.), I thought I would make my own suggestions for some movies that I think should be made out of various games. Check out some of these titles…


Tetris: The Movie
Young Dimitri Petrovich is a worker in a small grocery store with an uncanny knack for stocking shelves. One day an army general sees this ability and becomes obsessed with a way to harness this boy’s abilities. He comes up with an elaborate plan to create a fake contest so that the boy will eventually end up working for the military, figuring out the most efficient formations to decimate enemies in ground warfare. Hilarity ensues.


Minesweeper: The Hidden Enemy
Sarah-Jane Poseramo is a mother of seventeen with an amazing gift. She can detect mines subconsciously and avoid them. Scientists want to ask her to use her abilities to help clean up some of the minefields around the world, but she refuses, claiming that science is against her religion. The scientists kidnap her son and place him in the middle of one of the world’s deadliest minefields, telling her that she has to save them. Will she be able to get to him in time? One would think so. But there is a catch. The mines were placed in the ground by Dimitri Petrovich! Who will win? You have to watch to find out!


Freecell: The Rise and Fall of New New York
Idiot savant Bill McBilly lost both his elbows in a bizarre trolley accident in San Francisco. He enters a speed solitaire competition where the prize is enough money for him to pay for the operation to get new elbows. What he doesn’t know is that aliens are running the show, and whoever loses gets anally probed with the coldest monitoring decides the aliens have stored in their freezer. Will Billy’s uncanny ability to always come out on top save his ass from the alien threat?


These riveting titles will do really well at the box office in my opinion. With the right directors and producers, we would have oscar material here…

Suffice to say the John Williams will be composing the music for all three, and the scores will sound like you’ve heard them before. In fact, all three of them will be the same melody, just played in a different scale.

Jorge’s Guide to Inviting Children With Bad Habits

  • Buy a model of a complete skeleton. Make sure it is kid-sized. Adult skeleton will not work
  • Hang it in a spare closet in the house
  • Wait until children misbehave and then start mentioning their older brother who didn’t listen
  • Inevitably children’s curiosity will prompt them to ask about said older brother
  • Make a show of not wanting to talk about it
  • Arrange to have them find the model skeleton by accident
  • Problem solved



An Open Invitation

Contact has officially started (actually it started last week). Contact is the largest photo exhibition in North America. It runs for the month of May. Tomorrow (the 7th) there will be an opening for my work at Cornerstone Furniture.

Please come out if you are interested in seeing what it is that I like to photograph (actually, what I have on display is a small cross-section). There are also quite a number of other photographers showing their work in the neighbourhood, making it quite the evening if you like photography.

I will have some munchies and juice, and there will be a guestbook for people to sign.

Check my Photography Page for information.



My Worst Habits

I am a very enthusiastic person. I’m sure this can be quite a positive thing (infectious, hopefully), but at the same time, I know it can annoy the hell out of people.

This enthusiasm leads to some of my worst habits.

Bad Habit #1 – Unnecessary Revelation

Yes, that makes it sound way better than it is. A very annoying thing that I do is tell people that they should go look at something, and then completely describe it in the next breath, thus ruining the wonder of their discovery. This is not to say that I spoil movie endings or anything like that. On the contrary, those are sacred, and the law states that spoiling movies is punishable by castration. No, the things I am referring to are blog entries, or something publicly available for viewing. Sometimes I relate stories to people who aren’t even interested in the topic, but they listen politely, and nod in all the right places.

Bad Habit #2 – Replying to EVERY E-mail

This is a bad habit that definitely annoys everyone. I will reply to every e-mail that I see in my inbox, regardless of content. I will reply most of the time with short phrases that really are best left untyped.

Observe…



To: All employees
From: CEO
Subject: Meeting

I wanted to thank everyone for coming out to the meeting today. It was a good experience and I think we are all re-affirmed of our place in the market.

Sincerely,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Meeting

The pleasure was ours. The meeting was informative, and I know I took away quite a number of things to consider.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Meeting

This type of feedback is most appreciated. Have a great day!

Sincerely,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

You too.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

Ok, that’s enough.

With warning,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

Okay.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

Honestly, stop it.

I’m not kidding,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

Gotcha.

Thanks,
Jorge


To: Jorge
From: CEO
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

You’re fired.

With Vengeance,
CEO


To: CEO
From: Jorge
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Meeting

🙂

Thanks,
Jorge



It’s odd. I’m not normally about getting in the last word. But something about e-mail induces obsessive-compulsive behaviour in me.

Just thought I would share these with you. I know I torment a lot of you with these things, and so I apologize. Will I stop? Probably not. I at least acknowledge these bad habits though, which is the first step towards building a better illusion for myself.

Belting out the Carnivorous Smileys

Feeling Blue

Well, I hope so at least.


On Saturday I graded for my Blue Belt in Goju-Ryu Karate-Do. It was quite challenging. I like the dojo that I am a part of because they not only stress the physical (and boy do they stress it), but the mental as well. They encourage you to read books related to our style, as well as martial arts in general. So, not only are the students who are grading expected to fulfill the physical requirements of the art, but they are also expected to know some answers to some questions regarding various aspects of our style (as well as handing in a written test).


Thus, preparing for this exam is a serious thing (unlike other dojos I have been a part of), and I treat it as such.


The grading itself went well. I could have done better (but this is something that will never change, as I will never be perfect). I messed up some of my basics (some due to my own momentary lack of coordination, and some due to misunderstandings with some of the calls – which were sorted out after a few moves), I did well on my katas (some minor errors), and I did fine in the rest of the elements as well (Self Defence, Sparring, Exam).


I always find it interesting after these types of things to have most people tell me how great my peformance was. While I disagree with the level of their enthusiasm, I know I did all right. Most likely better than average, and well enough to attain my belt. It’s not a matter of being cocky. It’s just that I know how well I did because I am very critical of myself, and I work very hard to do well at things that are important to me (and even some that aren’t).


When I say things like I could have done better or I made some mistakes, people seem to take deep offense to this and respond with phrases like you rocked that test or some other pep-talkish phrase. It’s not that i’m down on myself. I just know the areas in which I need to improve.


I know if someone asks me how they did, I tend to give them good news unless they ask about the bad. I am an honest critic, and depriving someone of useful information that could help them improve would really be unfair to that person. If the criticism is delivered constructively, there should really be no problem.


My friend and nemesis Steve didn’t argue when I told him that I messed up my basics. However, he did mention that he really enjoyed my katas. This is the kind of support that is best.


Hopefully I will advance to a new level in a few weeks.




Tien

My friend Tien is awesome. He’s a great friend who has a knack for putting things into perspective.


Every Monday we run a little study group for people that want to learn and practice Capoeira and self defence. I sort of lead it, and Tien points out all the things I forget. It’s a good arrangement.


Tien is shorter than I am, and doesn’t weigh as much, but he eats as much as I, and doesn’t seem to ever gain any weight.


Oh, and when I say that he eats as much as I, I don’t mean that he consumes the same amount of food that I do. I mean that he consumes the same amount of food that I weigh.




Smileys Don’t Take Away the Pain

I have to be honest, and say that I am in Blogging primarily because of three people: Shatton, Amanda and Dave.


Shatton is a great friend who comes across as a very angry guy in his Blog. This is awesome, as he is not really all that angry in reality. He just writes that way. And it is hilarious! In reality he is a really nice guy, and very savvy.


Amanda is the one who introduced me to MSN as a blogging venue. I curse her for this.


Dave has been one of my best friends for the longest time (and he’s hung like a bear*). His sense of humour and easygoing nature have always been a great balance to my evil tendencies and jackass-like behaviour. He’s a big influence, and I appreciate his friendship tremendously (even though he doesn’t know it. Oh wait. He just found out. CRAP!).


So how do I show my appreciation? I razz him about being lazy for writing a new section** by leaving a snarky comment about him being lazy. And then, when he retaliates, I pull out all the stops, and leave a comment as him (which is, tactically, a stroke of genius).


Now, I wasn’t actually serious about any of it, of course. There is always an inferred smiley face at the end of my comments. I called him up to see his reaction to my latest ploy (which I found that he had erased). We chatted on the phone about it, and Dave laughed and said smileys don’t take away the pain.


And so, let us see if this is really true…




Case 1 – The Breakup


Dear Gwynneth,
I just thought I would let you know that I have been moved around here in Europe for my job. I am now in Germany, and it has been a great experience so far. I’m not missing you as much, though, as I am missing being home. That being said, I think we should call it off. I find that you are too needy, and whine far too much for someone who considers themselves to be a well-adjusted person. I’ve started seeing someone else, so I guess you can consider this a goodbye letter. Take care, and I hope you have a nice life!



Fondly,
Thurston
🙂


Case 2 – The Notice


Dear Occupant,
We have decided to evict you. It is not because you’ve missed any rent payments, or that you’re overly noisy or disruptive. It’s just that we don’t particulary smile upon anyone that owns so many pieces of Hello Kitty clothing (accessories are one thing, but bikinis?). Please move out by the end of the week.

Sincerely,
The Management
😀


Case 3 – Termination


Dear Reginald,
You are fired.

With Sympathy
The CEO of Company B***
😉



Wow.


I guess it is true. Smileys really don’t take away the pain.






* – No he isn’t.
** – Dave’s new section involves him asking a question about one topic or another and an invitation to the reader to comment on their opinion of the answer.
*** – Not affiliated with the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy

Effort-Less

I study Karate (Goju-Ryu for those who know a little bit more than the average bear). I find it to be a great form of self defence, exercise, and mental development.

I also study Capoeira (A brazillian ‘martial art’). It teaches you flexibility and flow, as well as music and rhythm.

I used to study several other martial arts that I will not bother going into, as it will take a while to describe each of them properly (my descriptions for the two listed above are very brief, at best).

Martial Arts, though beneficial for so many reasons, is not right for everyone. For some, it is religious beliefs. For others, it is their hesitation due to what they believe to be lack of ability. There are even folks who just don’t want to due to lack of interest.

My wife, for example, is not one of these people. She has flat out refused to want anything to do with martial arts, and that’s fine. She’s honest about it. Mind you, this won’t stop me from periodically trying to subtly sell her the idea….



Jorge: So, want to do Karate?
Mrs. J:
No.
Jorge:
Are you sure? It’s awesome. You should do Karate.
Mrs. J:
[Getting irritated.] No!
Jorge:
Come on, I’ll be your best friend. Come on and do Karate!
Mrs. J:
[Without hesitation delivers unholy beating to Jorge which no Martial Art can defend, then walks away.]
Jorge:
[Lying in a broken heap, weakly raising his index finger.] Are you sure?


There are two types of people that bug me when it comes to not wanting to do Martial Arts.

The first type of people that bug me are those who are just afraid of trying new things in general, and yet, don’t express this. Instead, they choose to come up with all kinds of excusues.

My favourite excuse usually goes something like this…


Person: Hey Jorge.
Jorge:
Yo.
Person:
How is Karate going?
Jorge:
It’s going well.
Person:
Oh that’s great! I’ve always thought about Karate.
Jorge:
Really? The dojo I attend is awesome. Even if you don’t go to that one, though, you should still consider it. It’s good for you.
Person:
Yeah. I don’t know. I’m not really in good enough shape for it. I’d rather take an aerobics class first so that I can be in good enough shape for Karate…..
Jorge:
[Pulls out his own eyes and pours Sulfuric Acid into the sockets, melting his own brain in disbelief.]


What kind of logic is this? I mean, I can understand taking an aerobics class to supplement the Karate would be a great thing. Karate isn’t always the best aerobic workout. However, Karate is exercise. If you go to Karate (or any other martial art), your fitness level will improve by just doing that art!

Usually these same sorts of people give the same excuse if you were to ask them if they are going to attend that aerobics class…


Jorge: [With newly regenerated brain and eyes.] So did you ever make it to that aerobics class?
Person: No. I’m not in good enough shape yet to go to an aerobics class.
Jorge: [Runs screaming out of the conversation.]


The second type that bother me are the people who want the most amount of return from Martial Arts for a minimal amount of work. These people come up with all kinds of excuses as well.

These are the folks that watch Jackie Chan movies and want to do all the moves, yet they don’t take the time to even think about how much effort those moves take.

In my old Capoeira academy, there were a couple of guys that saw a movie called Only the Strong. The movie itself isn’t all that great, but it has some nice movements in it. Not to mention Marc Dacascos, who is pretty cool. Anyhow, these guys came to class hoping to be able to duplicate some of the crazy stunts from the movie.

Of course, they didn’t take into account the fact that they would need to spend every class doing drills and stretching and learning the rules of the Art before they could even think of doing the moves from the movie. Once they found this out, they didn’t enjoy it so much anymore.

It wasn’t as if they didn’t like Capoeira. They just didn’t want to do the work. A lot of people these days are all about instant gratification (I am guilty of this when it comes to buying crap like DVDs) and the easy way out. They can’t handle the wait or the work to achieve the desired result.

So they did what any lazy person would do: they gave up.

I wonder if they went to aerobics class instead…

Zip and Tuck

It seems to be crazy story-telling day…

In the interest of beating Dave to the punch (referred to in the comments of my last entry), I am going to post this story about us. It took place years ago, when we first went white-water rafting together.

We decided to go with Wilderness Tours. They have a big “Barn” facility with a bar in it, as well as a dance floor, and a patio. During the evenings, they have a party for the rafters. We decided to go to the fire pit, where there was a stage and some singing going on.

There were twelve of us, but only a few of us engaged in drinking of the heavy kind. I’m not sure if it was the Okanagan Cider, or the beer that plunged me into darkness. Perhaps it was Dave’s Sicilian Kiss (Amaretto & Southern Comfort) that sped me along the Inebriated Interstate. All I know is drinking almost an entire 26 Oz bottle of Screech after the aforementioned alcohol is probably not really a good idea.

Screech is a funny thing. This elixir of the East coast imbues one with strange powers. It granted me the power to jump up on the performance stage (where a guy was playing guitar earlier and left the microphone on) and tell a joke starting with the punch line. From there we moved to “the Barn” area where I discovered that I had the power to dance to techno while standing on some stairs (not very smooth at all). After this, my powers waned, and I decided to have a lie-down on a picnic table located on the patio of the establishment. One of the bouncers came by and told us to leave (not very politely). I told him to watch his tone. Of course, the words probably came out like a Pentecostal zealot speaking in tongues…

Dave valiantly accompanied me back to the camping area. It was slow going. I think I chundered a couple of times on the green mile back to the campsite. Dave insisted on keeping us moving, in case the Nazgul were looking for us, I guess.

Memories of that journey are hazy (I actually had to phone Dave while writing this to verify a few things). Needless to say, I knew that I passed out a couple of times. They eventually got the car to haul me back to the site. The next day I woke up fine. Rafting was fun, and no-one got injured. My mutant ability to bypass hangovers was in full effect, earning me a cool rep. But little did I know that the events of the night before were to haunt me for the rest of my life…

Two years later, we were going rafting again at the same place. We were eating some chow the night before we were to hit the river, when Dave walked up to me and asked me if he could talk to me in private, away from everyone else. I agreed, and we took our pints to another table.

” So, I’m not sure if you know this, ” Dave began, ” And I kinda wanted to tell you in private. “

” Sure, ” I replied, sipping my Sleeman’s, ” Go ahead. “

” Well, ” Dave looked at me earnestly, ” You remember the walk back to the campsite two years ago? “

” Yeah. “

” There was a point along the way back where you had to pee. So you pulled out your equipment and pissed. And then you fell over. “

” I don’t remember that. Did I fall in my own pee? “

Dave laughed, ” No. You fell off to the side, and rolled down a small hill, away from your puddle. “

” How the hell did I not notice when I woke up? “

Dave sighed again, ” I, er, did you up. “

I was taken a bit by surprise here, ” Um, what? “

Dave shook his head, ” Don’t worry, I didn’t have to do the ‘tuck‘, ” his right hand made a motion like a gopher diving under his left arm (a large gopher, I might add), ” Just the ‘zip‘. “

I looked at Dave with some amazement and admiration. He was definitely a true friend, ” Thanks man. And thanks for telling me in private. I mean, it’s not really THAT embarrassing, eh? But still, it’s nice to know before everyone else. “

” That’s what friends are for, manus, ” Dave stood up and picked up his beer, ” Let’s get back. “

We walked back to where our friends were sitting, and his girlfriend (now wife) Sarah looked up and said 7 words that made me laugh and cry at the same time….

” Did he tell you the pee story? “

Best friends are such a pain in the ass….