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Network Guest

Posted on April 12, 2006 by Jorge

Best Looking Network Ever

My friend (Mr. Shellie) from Boston is a nut.


I’m pretty much guaranteed to be in stitches after a brief conversation with him on MSN.


At one point in the beginning of our correspondence, we discussed that I worked with Networks. So he began making up new network types based on colours. It was quite funny.


Not everyone will get this, so I apologize…





What did he say? Click to make bigger…




Guest Hai-Kuul

Courtney made the suggestion that I might want to bring in some guest writers to write haiku*.


I don’t normally do the guest blogger thing, but maybe it would be fun.


Would anyone be interested in volunteering?






* – Go figure she suggests it now and not during the Haiku Deluge of Aught Five.

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Humour, Spaces Archive | 7 Comments »

Hey! Movie Monkey Prince is Obviously a Runner Who Rocks Something Awful

Posted on April 4, 2006 by Jorge

Hey! I Saw You On TV!
Once in a while, someone will tell me that I remind them of someone. Sometimes it’s flattering, and sometimes it’s not. Dave wrote an article about this last year, which was pretty hilarious.



Me, courtesy of South Park Studio.



I wondered which celebrities reminded my friends of me, so I decided to ask them. This list is the result. Unlike Dave, I haven’t put pictures of myself up for comparison.
This is because I am a lazy jerk…


The Movie Maker



M. Night Shyamalan



This was Reay‘s pick.
I wondered if Reay picked Shyamalan because of his inherently cool geekiness (although, while I posess the geekiness part, I’m not sure about the cool), or his strange hair.
The reasoning was much simpler…


He’s a brown guy like you…



Yeah.
Great criteria, Reay.


The Monkey



Curious Jorge finds his Frog.



Most of the kids in my grade school called me Curious George, claiming we looked alike.
I was always puzzled because no matter how many times I checked the mirror, I could not see any real similarities other than the fact we had the same number of limbs and big ears.
I also didn’t understand why they kept calling me that because my name is spelled with a J rather than a Ge.
I would just shrug my shoulders and go back to reading my Hardy Boys books.


The Prince



Whatchu lookin’ at, Carlton?



I was first compared to Will Smith in high school.
It came at an opportune time because I was feeling low, and the person who told me was a pretty girl.
I could never figure out why. Again, it might be the ear thing, or a similar pigment.
I suspect it was because I was kinda goofy and had a wee moustache, just like Mr. Smith up there.
Either way, that was a cool thing to hear.
Once in a while someone will tell me I remind them of Will Smith, and I just smile, nod, and then break it down, ol’ skool.


The Obvious



I have an evil twin. Or is he the good one?



My friend Dan pointed this out to me.
It’s just another guy named Jorge Figueiredo who has a blog.
I think he lives in Portugal or Brazil. So if you want to visit him, knock yourself out.
Of course, don’t blame me if he comes looking for you.


The Runner



Carl?



Dave came up with this selection.
He also included an explanation as to why he chose it…


This guy, but only because of the haircut. (Okay, also because of that time you were shot in the buttocks.)



Dave always knows how to bring back painful memories.


The Rock



The People must test my deodorant.



My brother chose The Rock as someone who I resemble. I asked him why, and this is what he said…


The picture just looked like you with a tattoo, and you have a lot of charisma.



That was a really nice thing of him to say. Considering he is one of the smartest people I know, I figure he’s right.
Of course, he failed to mention my eyebrow problems and my inability to speak in anything but the third person.


The Awful Truth



Loincloths are in! Trust me! I wear it Scottish Style!



Shatton picked Giant Kamala as my lookalike.
He has an interesting way of looking at things, so I’ll let him explain…


This is a pic of someone who reminds me of you (but not the other way around). Because he is as crazy as you be.



There is nothing I can add to that statement.

Filed under: General Dialogue, Humour | 17 Comments »

One Alpha-Numerical Ploy

Posted on April 2, 2006 by Jorge

One of My Best…

I’ve played a few pranks in my life.

Some involved calling people up and getting them to go somewhere to claim a prize. Some involved getting people to do something silly. Some were just meant to produce a silly look on the victim’s face.

The one common thread was that it was always done to an individual. In each case, I was the only witness, so the embarassment was not really something public.



The Alpha-Numerical

One year, in University, a friend of mine and I came up with a grand idea. It didn’t involve public humiliation, but it did involve fooling people on a larger scale.

The idea behind it wasn’t one that would fool a large populace, like a whole city. No. The plan was about elegance. It was about fooling a group of people at the same time, while creating a doorway for those victims to propogate the prank even further on their own.

When I was about halfway through university, there were two puzzling crazes. One was cryptic crosswords and the other was called alpha-numericals.

Alpha-Numericals involved a code that you had to crack. It was basically a string of numbers and letters with a hidden meaning. For example…



13 in a B D = Thirteen in a Baker’s Dozen


Being able to solve these puzzles involved abstract thinking, as well as a pretty good level of knowledge for various literary references, measurements, and other trivia.

A lot of our friends in University were very intelligent, and loved puzzles. The harder and more abstract the puzzle, the more they liked it. So we figured that we would somehow use the puzzles in our scheme.

All we needed was a hook…


The Contest Ploy

When you are a poor university student, the smallest contests become a huge deal. Anything free was welcome, no matter how little it may have cost.

My friend and I used this to our advantage when we invented the lure for the joke.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat was playing in Toronto at that time, and it had received quite a number of great reviews. A lot of people that we knew would have really loved to have seen it.

So here was the way the lure was executed…


[Jorge dials a victim on the phone. The vic pics up and the conversation ensues…]

Jorge: Hey Vic, it’s Jorge.
Victim: Hey Jorge. What’s up?
J: You busy?
V: No, why?
J: I was going through a newspaper from a few weeks ago that I found downstairs* and I noticed that there is a contest for tickets to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.
V: No way.
J: Yeah. It’s only valid in the Kitchener-Waterloo area. It includes a bus to and from Toronto, dinner at one of the Mirvish restaurants, and admission to see the musical. The best part is that it’s for twenty people, so a whole bunch of us can go!
V: That’s awesome.
J: There are only two problems. The contest entries have to be e-mailed or mailed in by tomorrow night.
V: And the second problem?
J: The actual entry form involves completing thirty** alpha-numericals. On first glance, I can maybe get about a third of them, but the rest are pretty tough. I was thinking about getting the gang in on these. We should be able to finish it by tomorrow and send it in. I hear that no one has sent in a complete form yet, so we would be a shoe-in.
V: Okay. Sounds good.
J: I’ll read them off to you, and you can get our other friends in your house to work on them. I’ll call a few more people, and we can have this wrapped up sooner than later.
[Jorge reads off the list of Alpha-Numericals to Vic.]


My accomplice and I came up with a relatively large list of these brain teasers. More than half of them were established favourites like…


  • 4 and 20 B B B in a P = Four and Twenty Black Birds Baked in a Pie

  • 3 B M = Three Blind Mice

  • A T W in 80 D = Around the World in Eighty Days


These would draw everyone in, making them excited about getting answers quickly. Since we were in the lull just before exams, it was the perfect time to strike.

The actual prank was when we created fake entries like these…


  • 42 Q on the P B

  • 16 Q on the Q C R

  • 100 G M in the H O L


After we called a few friends (who each told a few more), we would call them all periodically and see what kind of progress they had made. We would “share” some of what we had figured out with them and allow the excitement to build.

The funniest part was when people started inventing answers for the fake entries…


[Victim calls Jorge on the phone.]
Jorge: Hey man, how is it going? You getting any further?
Victim: I think we’re making progress on some of the tough ones.
J: Really?
V: Yeah. Number twenty four? The one that says 42 Q on the P B?
J: What about it?
V: Get this: Fourty-two quills on the porcupine’s back
J: Wow.
V: Not bad eh?


My co-conspirator and I were rolling on the ground laughing at stuff like that. Who knew that picking random letters and numbers could be so much fun?

After a number of hours we decided to come clean. We had actually built in the punchline into the contest entry itself. The last puzzle was…



E F on A 1


This is how one of the phone calls sounded…


[Jorge calls up a Victim. By this point quite a number of fake entries have been given fake solutions.]
Jorge: Hey man. It’s Jorge.
Victim: Hey guy. We are getting close.
J: I know! I think I have figured out the last one. Actually scratch that. I know I’ve figured out the last one.
V: Shoot.
J: E F on A 1 stands for everyone’s fooled on April First.
V: [Consulting with another victim.] No way. That can’t be it.
J: Think about it. It totally is.
V: Well how could it be, the 1 couldn’t possible stand for first. Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was an F instead of a 1?
J: Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. [Speaking more slowly and deliberately.] Everybody’s….fooled….on….April….First…
[There is a pause as this registers in the Vic’s mind. Then…]
V: Who is this? What’s going on? Nobody lives here!
[The phone goes dead. Jorge calls back and everyone on the other end is laughing.]


It was a great prank. No one was mad because even though we wasted their time, it was a well-executed ploy.

It always makes me smile every April Fool’s Day.


What is the best April Fool prank you have played? Comment!




* – I lived in a house with a number of people. It was not uncommon for some people to leave old newspapers lying around in the downstairs kitchen.
** – I don’t remember the exact number we actually came up with. But it was definitely more than twenty. I actually think it was closer to forty.

Filed under: Anecdotes, Friends, Humour, Spaces Archive | 5 Comments »

Spam Blade

Posted on March 7, 2006 by Jorge

Spam Enchanted Evening

Unfortunately, junk mail sent from oddly-named sources has not been too popular in my inbox these days*. Whether it’s because my new Outlook 2003 Junk Mail filter is much more effective, or my ISP’s spam-fighting algorithms are really working, I don’t know.

However, enough make it through to make life entertaining. Last time, it was all about a seafaring vessel. This time, it is about the major players in a brothel**.

So welcome to Spam Enchanted Evening, where all of your needs are met by our helpful staff…


Conception Holcomb – Conception is the brainy dame behind the operations of this wonderful brothel. She keeps things running like a well-lubricated machine. Frankly, everyone likes it that way. Conception, a single woman, lives vicariously through her staff due to the fact that she could get pregnant on fumes, and strives to avoid any physical contact with the unfairer sex due to her phobia of children. Conception believes that both men and women require stress relief, and so offers up the establishment to both sexes. This lady calls the shots in the happiest faux-spa in town.

Octavio McCracken – Unlike his brother Phil, Octavio is all about the ladies. It has been said that this man with the name of a Maestro can play a woman like a concert piano. He conducts quite a number of scores with scientific precision and artistic superiority. Indeed, when it comes to pleasure, this man is all hands.

Inmates C. Enchantress – They call her ICE for short because she can be so cold. The S&M specialist, this lovely lady spends quite a lot of time engaged in an outreach program for criminals. She keeps the stress of our justice system in check by performing conjugal visits to lonely lifers. Everyone knows her bite is definitely worse than her bark.

Subscription U. Renegades – Subby runs a little shop in the brothel that caters to those who need a bit of take-home stimulation. Sub can get his hands on pretty much anything, relying on deals brokered in the back-alleys of Chinatown. People will tell you that there is very little out there that Sub cannot get. In fact, he’s never failed. Be it some strange video relating to zoo animals, or just a plain old Lego fetish DVD, Sub will always deliver.

Placentae O. Neanderthals – Placentae specializes in keeping a certain clientele very happy. Pregnancy fetishists love visiting Placentae because she is beautiful, and always has a bun in the oven. No one has ever figured out that Placentae is actaully related to Conception, as they keep it hush-hush. Unlike her sister, though, Placentae revels in having babies. Being the head of marketing for the brothel, she has a brilliant strategy. When her children learn to ride bikes and use public transit, she pays them an allowance to distribute flyers throughout the city.

Armpits H. Enervates – Arm is the resident registered massage therapist. He has hands as magical as Octavio’s, but specializes in relaxation rather than excitation. Half an hour under his tender care will render you completely relaxed. However, you will find that you will also feel energized, ready to enjoy the rest of the facility.

Scratchiest O. Tutor – Scratchy is a woman who has travelled the world over with her best friend in search of the best techniques for pleasure. She travels to distant lands, immerses herself in the seedy underbelly of wherever she is, and then returns to teach the ways of foreign love to the second-level staff. She encourages a hands-on approach to teaching, and all of her students will acknowledge her as an expert in almost everything. The only complaint that they have, though, is that she never shaves her legs.

Maladies L. Lifetime – Scratchy’s best friend. Unfortunately, Mal experimented a bit too frivolously, and has to pay the price. Until medical science can figure out what’s wrong with him, and replace some of his important body parts, he’s off-limits to the customers, and happily scrubs away as the brothel’s janitor.



So swing by Spam Enchanted Evening sometime and take a load off your feet…or something…

So, what should the next spam-influenced cast of characters be like? Any ideas? E-mail me and I’ll see what I can do.


Blade Sighting

I was on the TTC yesterday at lunch, and I saw a guy sitting on the subway that looked like Whistler from the Blade movies. He had on a big pair of mirrored shades, and a shock of long, white hair. The resemblance was uncanny.

I would steal glances at him every once in a while. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. His expressions were passionless. A stone facade. Just like Whistler.

A few stops after I entered the subway, a man got on who looked like Blade. Black trenchcoat. Dark sunglasses. He, too, looked convincingly real.

The funny part was when they saw each other. They would lock gazes (from behind sunglasses) and then turn away from each other. I was waiting for vampires to come out of the woodwork, followed by a smackdown of epic proportions.

But no such luck.

I found the whole thing amusing, for some reason.




* – Leaving the majority of my junk mail sent from boring, normal names. What disturbs me is that these wouldn’t be so popular if people didn’t respond to these spam ads in the first place. I’d like to meet some of these idiots who’d like to go like rabbits all night long or drown their girlfriends in jizz. I can’t believe people actually believe in this crap.
** – Which was a popular request from the ladies for some strange reason.

Filed under: General Dialogue, Humour, Spaces Archive | 12 Comments »

Sorry Courtesy Remember

Posted on February 20, 2006 by Jorge

Sorry Doesn’t Make a Dead Man Alive

My dad used to say that to me when he didn’t think that I was sincere during an apology*.

It is one of those phrases that has stayed in the back of my mind over the years, resurfacing every once in a while when someone utters an insincere pleas for forgiveness.

This sprang to the front of my mind the other day when I was getting on the subway.

The train had just come to a stop and the doors opened. A young woman barrelled out of the car like a bat out of hell, nearly knocking over an older lady standing next to me.

Without even looking back, she muttered a quick sorry, speeding off to wherever the hell she was going.

Bewildered, the old lady shook her head and made her way into the subway**.

What is is with people these days?

Words like sorry and thank you are becoming trivialized by people who really don’t care about anyone.

I know when I apologize for anything, I make sure that the person knows that I really mean it. Same with everything else.

Far too many people put thank you or have a nice day at the end of their e-mails as part of their signature. As if having it there, pre-recorded, will make it mean something.

I figure if you are going to put those things, you should mean them. Otherwise, they are just empty gestures.



Courtesy

Ever have a really bad day, and then someone says something to set you off, and rather than keeping quiet, you actually let your tongue fly with abandon?

That happened to me a few weeks ago.

I was riding subway home, and the cars were relatively full. An older lady slowly made her way into the car, walking along with her cane.

Not one person offered her a place to sit.

Even worse, the last available seat was taken by a younger guy who actually pushed his way past her to get to it. The old woman looked stunned at this guy’s audacity.

What made this even more annoying is that I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who told me that in her entire pregnancy, only one person offered her a seat***. The issue was fresh in my mind.

Though I normally would speak up in a situation like that, the mood I was in that day made me a little less patient…


Jorge: Hey dude. Maybe you should let the lady sit down.
Punk: [Doesn’t even look up.] Maybe you should just fuck off.
[People stop what they’re doing to listen to us chatting.]
J: It’s common courtesy to give the seat up to someone who might need it more than you.
P: Didn’t you hear what I just said? I got here first, anyway.
J: Yeah, but you’re not elderly, or pregnant. You’re also not disabled.
P: Nope.
J: You know, breaking your knees would probably earn you the right to sit there.
P: [Finally looks up at my not-so-pleased face.] Oh. Uh. Sorry man. Here you go, lady.
[Punk gets up, and the old lady sits down. She looks up and smiles.]
J: That’s a good lad.
[Punk makes his way through the crowd to the other end of the subway. Probably a good idea.]


Stories like that make me sound like I go around picking fights. But I’m not really a violent person. I find that some people just need a bit of a prod to gain a new perspective.

If he had a problem, or was looking really tired, then he probably could have remained there. That would make sense.

But he wasn’t tired or disabled in any way. He was also rude.

I don’t have patience for that.



The Things We Remember

It’s funny what sticks in your head from when you’re a kid.

I’ve been meaning to do a sketch of my friend Shatton as Iron Man, but I’ve been procrastinating. Last night, I printed up some pictured of Shatton and Iron Man so I can get to work on it sooner than later.

Recently, I was chatting with him about this when the conversation took a weird tangent. If you never went to Catholic church you may not understand this…



Click to enlarge…




* – At least, I suspect that was the reason. Maybe he had no reason to say it at all.
** – Of course, no one offered her a seat right away. When someone finally did, she waved them off. Her rejection of the offer was let go too easily for my liking.
*** – And he was visiting from Europe.

Filed under: Friends, General Dialogue, Humour, Rants | 19 Comments »

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