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Roasted Nincompoop

Rump Roasted

At the risk of appearing to be a geek* I will tell the story about Game Day, and the royal beating my wife gave my ego.

It all started fairly recently. Sometimes on a weekend Mrs. J will do her own thing, leaving me to my own devices.

So what I decided to do was have some friends over to play games on my Nintendo Gamecube.

Now, I can practically hear the eyes rolling in the audience, but let me state my case: It’s a great excuse to get together with friends in the winter (and rainy days), share some food, some beers and just relieve stress without anyone getting hurt**.

This previous gameday saw some new games, some new faces***, and good times in general

Towards the end of the day we started playing Soul Calibur. I’ll openly admit that after Shatton mopped the floor with us in Mortal Kombat: Deception, I was looking for some sweet payback.

So I continued to win, much to the chagrin of my fellow gamers.

Just before the final few guys left, Mrs. J, in an act of mercy, asked one of the boys for a controller, and promptly kicked my ass with her favourite character.

Mrs. Hai-Kuul? Winner.

Jorge? Humbled. Again.



Journey of the Nincompoop

I recently learned a neat fact about the theme song to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It was a fact that I thought no one knew.

I told a few people about it, and they were just as surprised as I was.

One evening, I showed Mrs. J the beginning sequence to the movie…


Jorge: I want you to guess which band wrote this music.
Mrs. J: Okay.
Jorge: Seriously. You’ll never get it
Mrs. J: Umm…
Jorge: I’ll even give you a hint. This song was on their debut album.
Mrs. J: Hmm…
Jorge: If you guess this I will give you a thousand dollars.
Mrs. J: [A few seconds pass.] The Eagles?
Jorge: [Jaw drops.] I don’t believe it.


She guessed the damned thing right off the mark. Thank goodness I decided to do a double-or-nothing bet on the name of the song****. I don’t have that kind of money.




* – Or more appropriately, even more of a geek.
** – At least, not physically.
*** – Old friends. But their first time at Game Day.
**** – Journey of the Sorcerer

Birthdays Along Give Gathering

Birthdays

Some people believe that birthdays are days that should be celebrated with great fanfare. I’ve never really been one of those people.

My feelings have nothing to do with aging, and little to do with being shy. Honestly, I’m not sure why I feel the way I do.

It might have something to do with the fact that there have been times in the past (before Mrs. J came along) where my birthday has passed with no acknowledgement, save for a phone call from Dave.

Couple that with the fact that my birthday falls on the May long weekend and you have yourself a winner…er…loser for attendance at events thrown on said weekend. It’s the first long weekend of the year, and people tend to be out of town. It’s just the luck of the draw.

So, over the years, I grew to expect nothing special for the anniversary of the day I was born.



Then Along Came…

Mrs. J is accustomed to spending a good week or so celebrating her birthday. While a grand fanfare is not demanded, she certainly enjoys spending her time enjoying spending her time.

I think the only thing she enjoys more than celebrating her birthday is lavishing her loved ones with the same treatment.

And so, my birthdays have been a little bit different for the last seven years.

I usually get two cards, one in the morning and one at night. Each one is carefully picked out and a beautiful message is usually contained within. Mrs. J also gets me very thoughtful gifts. Things that I could use, or that would mean something to me. Sometimes she even bends her rules slightly and gets me something practical that I desperately need.

We sometimes even get to leave the city. One of my birthdays was spent in Niagara Falls, another in Québec City.

So, while I don’t really expect a lot for my birthday, I certainly look forward to it. Even if we do nothing, I know that it will be a wonderful weekend with my wife.



Give the Gift of Gift

I mentioned that sometimes Mrs. J bends her rules and gives me a practical gift. To some this may be a bit disappointing, but I really appreciate it. Getting something practical enables me to spend my money on something else that I may want in the future.

Let’s face it. Practical certainly beats a weird surprise.

Don’t get me wrong, one should appreciate the gift-giving efforts. I’m sure, though, that each of you can think of a gift you have received that made absolutely no sense, as if it screamed I have no idea who you are, but here you go anyway.

This is why Dave and I have created the most efficient and fun gift-giving system.

We will each ask the other what we want for our birthday (or Christmas, for that matter). It’s usually something small, like a DVD or a CD. Then, we will also give something else that we feel the other would like. This way, we each get something we want, as well as a surprise.

This might sound odd to some of you. Perhaps even a bit mechanical. However, if you disagree, let me know when your birthday is and I’ll give you something you would never, ever need, use, or ask for.

For anyone curious about the treasures I got this year…



  • Books – J-Pod by Douglas Coupland, The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie
  • DVDs – The Hilarious House of Frightenstein, Cube, Cowbow Bebop Remix Volumes 3,5,6, Father of the Pride
  • The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker
  • A 90 minute F/A 18 Hornet flight simulator experience
  • A cast-iron frying pan from Georgia for interior camping*
  • An assortment of fishing lures
  • A one-hour swimming lesson from a national-level Canadian athlete
  • A vintage camera
  • Gift Certificates – MEC, Canadian Tire
  • A boxed set of playing cards with a rulebook and notepad
  • Beef jerky from Chinatown
  • Various drinks – both at the bar, and a thoughtful 8-pack of beers from around the world delivered to my front door


You’re probably scratching your head, but these gifts all meant a lot. My friends are all very generous and wonderful people. Not to mention imaginative.



The Gathering

If anything, I like using my birthday as an excuse to bring together all of my different friends in one place.

I have a very wide variety of friends, most of whom would probably never meet each other under normal circumstances. However, I find that cross-pollinating the groups is a really great thing to do. You never know what sort of overlap you may find.

It was no different this year, when I invited a bunch of people to the Duke of York pub in the Yorkville neighbourhood. It’s a huge, traditional-looking place with lots of seating, a wide assortment of beers on tap, and good food.

I booked a table for twenty. I figured that it wouldn’t matter if we were short, because most places aren’t really busy during the long weekend, on account of people being out of town.

It was a great party. Lots of people came out for drinks. A number were unaware that it was my birthday **, but that didn’t matter. It was just an excuse to get together to have fun.

Everyone got along really well. Much better than I had hoped. Many connections were made, some that will last beyond the weekend. That was really the best gift of all.

I’m sure everyone has memories of Saturday night that they could post here. Shatton already did.

My favourite memory was at the end, when my friend Carlos was saying goodbye…


Carlos: You know, your friends are all really interesting and fun. They’re really great people.
Jorge: I know. That’s why you’re here, too.


Thanks again for a wonderful time, everyone! I know not everyone could make it***, but it was still a great evening!




* – Cooking a fish caught during the trip in anything less would be a sin.
** – This is completely fine. The last thing I wanted was for people to change plans on account of me. I also didn’t want people to think it was some kind of gift-grab.
*** – You know who you are. It was especially good to speak to some of you telephonically that day.

Paddy Whacks

Paddy Whacks

This is the month in which I was born.

The world most likely regrets this month, as it would have been spared my insanity. However, I’m here, world, so deal with it.

In celebration of this birth anniversary, I’m turning to you, my readers (especially my friends) and offering you the option to participate in a creative exercise*.

In the comments field, I want you to write about three of your funniest memories of me. I’m curious to know what some of these things are. Partially out of nostalgia, but mostly because I think that this could generate a lot of laughs.

Feel free to write as much as you want about each item, especially the funny ones. If you’re like Dave, you will know how to skillfully embellish to get the giggles going.




* – That is, I am too lazy to think of anything at the present time.

Road Waking Ceremony Mingling Reception Much

On the Road Again

This past weekend we took our second trip across the border in as many weeks to attend my cousin Sara's wedding in Rochester.

We don't normally get down to see them all that often. Considering how much fun we always have when we are there, I am left wondering why we don't.



Guess which country we visited? Click…



Waking Up is Hard to Do

The road trip started early on Saturday morning*, seeing us leaving on time for a change.
The anticipated hell that is usually the border passed quickly and without incident. The drive was short, and we made it to our hotel with quite a bit of time to spare.

We found our way to our room, but not before stopping at Dennis and Lorraine's room first to say hi. I noticed some empties, and remarked to Dennis that they must have had a good time the night before.

Dennis nodded, replying that all of the wedding guests staying at the hotel had a little party in the lobby (where there was a large space with tables and chairs). That sucked for us, but it meant that we were in store for some party people, which was okay with us.



The Ceremony

The ceremony was held in a church, which was beautiful. Complete with a choir loft and pipe organ, it smacked of old-school churchness. Or old-church schoolness? You know what I mean.



It's a long way to Tipperary. Click…


The ceremony was wonderful. The priest that officiated the event had actually married my cousin Sara's parents some time ago**. One thing I've never understood, though, is that the couple sits off to the side (still in plain view, though) as if waiting judgement. Dave did that at his wedding with Sarah***.

Everyone looked great, and there was even one of the world's smallest Sopranos bodyguards…



Are you talkin to me?!?! Click…



Pictures and Mingling

After they had tied the knot, the entire cast and crew of the wedding went outside to have their pictures taken.

It was an opportunity for us to congratulate the bride and groom on their choice to defy the odds of modern times and have a happy marriage****.

It was also a great time to get to know some of my cousin's significant others. My cousin Kate's beau is from Scotland. He's a great lad with an awesome sense of humour. Joe's significant other is from South America. I think she's lived everywhere. Emily's man I already knew and it was good to see him again.

Of course, meeting these people face to face means that you learn about their oddness, like Gregor's bridesmaid fetish…



Scottish men are perverts! Click…


All in all, it was a lot of fun.

We were told to follow the bridal party after the photo shoot to go to another location for another shoot. I didn't realize that we were supposed to be going there to be in the photos. I felt really bad when I found that out*****.



The Reception

The party following the afternoon was excellent. It was held at a local Golf Club.
Sara made the best entrance I think I have ever seen (followed by Kate and her backwards walk with her groomsman).

Sara and Mike opened the evening with their first dance and then it was party time.

The food was great, and the tunes were happening.

Here are a list of interesting things that happened (in no particular order) that made this awesome for me…


  • The last line of Sara's thank-you speech was: Get yourself out on the dance floor, and shake it.
  • Emily did the worm in a bridesmaid dress.
  • Steve did an awesome DVD production of Sara and Mike, complete with over-the-top cutaways and references. Sweet.
  • The big question of the night was whether Gregor had anything underneath his kilt. He didn't. This sent Lorraine into hysterics when he flashed his rump at us******.
  • For some reason Mrs. J and I actually kicked ass at the Merengue. We were both tanked and feeling fine. This method will have to be employed again soon. Nothing like wasted talent. 🙂
  • I was sending text messages back and forth with Mama to make her jealous that I was at an event with an open bar. It worked.


I may add more as I remember them. There were so many awesome things that happened that it's hard to keep them straight.



Thanks So Much

A warm thank you to my Rochester relatives for inviting us down. It was definitely a wonderful time.



Little did Mike know that Sara is really a vampire! Click…





* – I think it's a mathematical rule that one must wake up x number of hours earlier than 9 AM (where x is the number of kilometers to the destination divided by 100).
** – At the reception, Sara's dad made a boo boo when he mentioned the number of years he had been married as a dynamic range rather than a static number. It was quite funny and he milked that for a while.
*** – The part of my brain that's beyond my control always pictures up a trap door opening up for some reason. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that it would be funny if that were to happen.
**** – For the record, Mrs. Jorge and I have been married for three and a half years, which means we've already beaten the odds. Take that, statistics!
***** – Seriously, that was the worst messed up communication between Figs ever. I have already informed the family that I will happily insert myself digitally into any photos they want. Of course, I received a photo of a toilet this morning for some reason…
****** – It has been erroneously reported (by Kate) that Mrs. Jorge was also in hysterics. This is not true, as she is disappointed at missing the show of what we call The Fine Behind.

One Alpha-Numerical Ploy

One of My Best…

I’ve played a few pranks in my life.

Some involved calling people up and getting them to go somewhere to claim a prize. Some involved getting people to do something silly. Some were just meant to produce a silly look on the victim’s face.

The one common thread was that it was always done to an individual. In each case, I was the only witness, so the embarassment was not really something public.



The Alpha-Numerical

One year, in University, a friend of mine and I came up with a grand idea. It didn’t involve public humiliation, but it did involve fooling people on a larger scale.

The idea behind it wasn’t one that would fool a large populace, like a whole city. No. The plan was about elegance. It was about fooling a group of people at the same time, while creating a doorway for those victims to propogate the prank even further on their own.

When I was about halfway through university, there were two puzzling crazes. One was cryptic crosswords and the other was called alpha-numericals.

Alpha-Numericals involved a code that you had to crack. It was basically a string of numbers and letters with a hidden meaning. For example…



13 in a B D = Thirteen in a Baker’s Dozen


Being able to solve these puzzles involved abstract thinking, as well as a pretty good level of knowledge for various literary references, measurements, and other trivia.

A lot of our friends in University were very intelligent, and loved puzzles. The harder and more abstract the puzzle, the more they liked it. So we figured that we would somehow use the puzzles in our scheme.

All we needed was a hook…


The Contest Ploy

When you are a poor university student, the smallest contests become a huge deal. Anything free was welcome, no matter how little it may have cost.

My friend and I used this to our advantage when we invented the lure for the joke.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat was playing in Toronto at that time, and it had received quite a number of great reviews. A lot of people that we knew would have really loved to have seen it.

So here was the way the lure was executed…


[Jorge dials a victim on the phone. The vic pics up and the conversation ensues…]

Jorge: Hey Vic, it’s Jorge.
Victim: Hey Jorge. What’s up?
J: You busy?
V: No, why?
J: I was going through a newspaper from a few weeks ago that I found downstairs* and I noticed that there is a contest for tickets to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.
V: No way.
J: Yeah. It’s only valid in the Kitchener-Waterloo area. It includes a bus to and from Toronto, dinner at one of the Mirvish restaurants, and admission to see the musical. The best part is that it’s for twenty people, so a whole bunch of us can go!
V: That’s awesome.
J: There are only two problems. The contest entries have to be e-mailed or mailed in by tomorrow night.
V: And the second problem?
J: The actual entry form involves completing thirty** alpha-numericals. On first glance, I can maybe get about a third of them, but the rest are pretty tough. I was thinking about getting the gang in on these. We should be able to finish it by tomorrow and send it in. I hear that no one has sent in a complete form yet, so we would be a shoe-in.
V: Okay. Sounds good.
J: I’ll read them off to you, and you can get our other friends in your house to work on them. I’ll call a few more people, and we can have this wrapped up sooner than later.
[Jorge reads off the list of Alpha-Numericals to Vic.]


My accomplice and I came up with a relatively large list of these brain teasers. More than half of them were established favourites like…


  • 4 and 20 B B B in a P = Four and Twenty Black Birds Baked in a Pie

  • 3 B M = Three Blind Mice

  • A T W in 80 D = Around the World in Eighty Days


These would draw everyone in, making them excited about getting answers quickly. Since we were in the lull just before exams, it was the perfect time to strike.

The actual prank was when we created fake entries like these…


  • 42 Q on the P B

  • 16 Q on the Q C R

  • 100 G M in the H O L


After we called a few friends (who each told a few more), we would call them all periodically and see what kind of progress they had made. We would “share” some of what we had figured out with them and allow the excitement to build.

The funniest part was when people started inventing answers for the fake entries…


[Victim calls Jorge on the phone.]
Jorge: Hey man, how is it going? You getting any further?
Victim: I think we’re making progress on some of the tough ones.
J: Really?
V: Yeah. Number twenty four? The one that says 42 Q on the P B?
J: What about it?
V: Get this: Fourty-two quills on the porcupine’s back
J: Wow.
V: Not bad eh?


My co-conspirator and I were rolling on the ground laughing at stuff like that. Who knew that picking random letters and numbers could be so much fun?

After a number of hours we decided to come clean. We had actually built in the punchline into the contest entry itself. The last puzzle was…



E F on A 1


This is how one of the phone calls sounded…


[Jorge calls up a Victim. By this point quite a number of fake entries have been given fake solutions.]
Jorge: Hey man. It’s Jorge.
Victim: Hey guy. We are getting close.
J: I know! I think I have figured out the last one. Actually scratch that. I know I’ve figured out the last one.
V: Shoot.
J: E F on A 1 stands for everyone’s fooled on April First.
V: [Consulting with another victim.] No way. That can’t be it.
J: Think about it. It totally is.
V: Well how could it be, the 1 couldn’t possible stand for first. Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was an F instead of a 1?
J: Maybe I wasn’t clear enough. [Speaking more slowly and deliberately.] Everybody’s….fooled….on….April….First…
[There is a pause as this registers in the Vic’s mind. Then…]
V: Who is this? What’s going on? Nobody lives here!
[The phone goes dead. Jorge calls back and everyone on the other end is laughing.]


It was a great prank. No one was mad because even though we wasted their time, it was a well-executed ploy.

It always makes me smile every April Fool’s Day.


What is the best April Fool prank you have played? Comment!




* – I lived in a house with a number of people. It was not uncommon for some people to leave old newspapers lying around in the downstairs kitchen.
** – I don’t remember the exact number we actually came up with. But it was definitely more than twenty. I actually think it was closer to forty.