Reality Check

I Know Something You Don’t Know
Please note. There are quite a few expletives contained. This is, however, critical to the accurate telling of this story…

After an appointment I had today, I decided to walk home.

My normal walk home is about twenty-five minutes. Today, though, I decided to take a long way home, on account of me feeling sluggish and also feeling the need for exercise.

It’s a good thing I decided to do this, because I ended up meeting a very interesting character on the way home…

[Jorge is walking down the street and sees an older gentleman approaching. The elderly man is probably in his seventies, and shuffling along slowly. Jorge smiles at the man.]
Jorge: Good evening!
Old Man: [With a slightly Slavic accent.] It is indeed! Can you believe how warm it is?
J: It has been a pretty mild winter.
OM: But can you believe it? The snow is almost gone!
J: I heard that tomorrow’s temperature is supposedly going to be in the double digits!
OM: What wonderful news! It reminds me of the story of Noah.
J: Really?
OM: Oh yes! Forty days and forty nights of rain, and then the thing came back with something in their mouth!
J: You mean the Doves carrying the Olive branches?
OM: Exactly. You learned that in school, yes?
J: Yes.
OM: Me too. Listen, were you raised a Christian?
J: I went to Catholic school.
[The Old Man puts one hand on Jorge’s shoulder and clasps both of Jorge’s hands in the other. He looks into Jorge’s eyes imploringly.]
OM: Can I talk to you for five minutes?
J: Uh, sure.
OM: There is a lot wrong in the world today.
J :Definitely.
OM: I know why that is.
J: Why?
OM: I watch TV every night. EVERY NIGHT.
J: And what do you see?
OM: I watch TV every night. The other night I saw they’d discovered where Jesus Christ is buried, and they found a box full of his bones!
J: Oh yeah. I read about that. The ossuaries.
OM: Those guys who discovered these bones are full of shit.
J: You think so?
OM: [Clearly becoming agitated. He’s not even really looking at Jorge anymore.] They are all fucking bastards!
J: Well then…
OM: Oh yes! This is the truth my friend! [Makes a fist and smacks it into his other open palm.]
J: [Nods.]
OM: Seriously. It’s unbelievable. These fucking bastards are all lying! Jesus would never have bones!
J: So they say.
OM: Oh yes. He wouldn’t have bones because he’s the fucking son of God. He’s [Really loudly.] Divinity! The guy in the box is not Jesus Christ. And the Anti-Christ is here!
J: I see…
OM: The fucking Anti-Christ is here! Those are his bones. Those aren’t Jesus’ fucking bones! Do you know why Jesus is divinity?
J: No, why?
OM: Because he was born to a woman who never slept with anyone. She never fucked anyone! Now that’s divinity. The Anti-Christ, he doesn’t have this.
J: Ah. Well. I guess he doesn’t.
[Reaches forward and shakes Jorge’s hand.]
OM: I am a Hungarian and Yugoslavian. And now? A Canadian! What do you think about that?
J: I think that’s just great. Ah well, I need to go now.
OM: Me too. [Noticably calmer.] I need to get moving. [Begins to slowly shuffle away.]
J: [Waving as he heads off in the opposite direction, and shouts over his shoulder.] See you around! You might want to buy a canoe! You never know when that next flood will happen!

I swear that is exactly how that conversation went down.

My discomfort at the subject matter was offset by my amusment at a very old man swearing like a sailor.

15 Responses

  1. you should hear my daugther … LOL What the old man said is true that’s the scary part of it all …. and just maybe he was a sailor in his days gone by. Either that or from the maritimes . ( I can say that as I am from N.S. ) 🙂

  2. This is the greatest story ever told. I am now retiring from writing blog entries because they will never be as good as this.

  3. How deliciously random!

  4. Probably related to me…

  5. I think that guy comes around the library up here. If you see him again, can you tell him that his Harry Potter videos are seriously overdue, and we’re going to have to charge him a replacement fee?

  6. Damn, I was sleep walking again

  7. I am soooooo not walking home with you anymore.

    Just kidding 🙂

    But see what happens when you don’t have an escort?

  8. I love that story—-it must be so hard, if you are counting on the Christian traditions, to come upon the bones, the stories, the possibilities of this “new Jesus”. For him, and for him alone, I wish a short memory, and a blown TV tube, or whatever affliction TVs have now.

  9. You’re a very kind person to stop and talk to him. Most people would have run away.

  10. Jorge,

    Where did you meet him? I’ve been looking for my dad for a while!!

  11. J: “Ah well, I need to go now.”
    OM: “Hold on one second, do you see that van over there?”
    J: “Yeah.”
    OM: “Well, if you look closely, you’ll see…”
    J: “A camera!”
    OM: “That’s right. You’re on Crazy Old, Jesus-Ranting, Slavic Man Hidden Videos!
    J: “I KNEW IT!”

  12. A great re-telling of a conversation. Sometimes you just never know. I once had a surreal phone conversation with a friend a continent away who was watching the stock market and giving me a running account of her portfolio I was speechless. And my dime.
    Is this a new site for you? I just came from Kathryn’s space and noted your reference of “A Year of Magical Thinking.” One of my favorite reads of last year. Hope all is well. Bittersweet

  13. Thanks!

    I don’t know which Kathryn you are referring to, unfortunately.

  14. The old man sure what make church a little more interesting!

  15. I don’t have the picture on my pc (cause i bought a new one since) ..but I did manage to find the site still up ….so you can download it directly from there….

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