I Know Something You Don’t Know
Please note. There are quite a few expletives contained. This is, however, critical to the accurate telling of this story…
After an appointment I had today, I decided to walk home.
My normal walk home is about twenty-five minutes. Today, though, I decided to take a long way home, on account of me feeling sluggish and also feeling the need for exercise.
It’s a good thing I decided to do this, because I ended up meeting a very interesting character on the way home…
[Jorge is walking down the street and sees an older gentleman approaching. The elderly man is probably in his seventies, and shuffling along slowly. Jorge smiles at the man.]
Jorge: Good evening!
Old Man: [With a slightly Slavic accent.] It is indeed! Can you believe how warm it is?
J: It has been a pretty mild winter.
OM: But can you believe it? The snow is almost gone!
J: I heard that tomorrow’s temperature is supposedly going to be in the double digits!
OM: What wonderful news! It reminds me of the story of Noah.
J: Really?
OM: Oh yes! Forty days and forty nights of rain, and then the thing came back with something in their mouth!
J: You mean the Doves carrying the Olive branches?
OM: Exactly. You learned that in school, yes?
J: Yes.
OM: Me too. Listen, were you raised a Christian?
J: I went to Catholic school.
[The Old Man puts one hand on Jorge’s shoulder and clasps both of Jorge’s hands in the other. He looks into Jorge’s eyes imploringly.]
OM: Can I talk to you for five minutes?
J: Uh, sure.
OM: There is a lot wrong in the world today.
J :Definitely.
OM: I know why that is.
J: Why?
OM: I watch TV every night. EVERY NIGHT.
J: And what do you see?
OM: I watch TV every night. The other night I saw they’d discovered where Jesus Christ is buried, and they found a box full of his bones!
J: Oh yeah. I read about that. The ossuaries.
OM: Those guys who discovered these bones are full of shit.
J: You think so?
OM: [Clearly becoming agitated. He’s not even really looking at Jorge anymore.] They are all fucking bastards!
J: Well then…
OM: Oh yes! This is the truth my friend! [Makes a fist and smacks it into his other open palm.]
J: [Nods.]
OM: Seriously. It’s unbelievable. These fucking bastards are all lying! Jesus would never have bones!
J: So they say.
OM: Oh yes. He wouldn’t have bones because he’s the fucking son of God. He’s [Really loudly.] Divinity! The guy in the box is not Jesus Christ. And the Anti-Christ is here!
J: I see…
OM: The fucking Anti-Christ is here! Those are his bones. Those aren’t Jesus’ fucking bones! Do you know why Jesus is divinity?
J: No, why?
OM: Because he was born to a woman who never slept with anyone. She never fucked anyone! Now that’s divinity. The Anti-Christ, he doesn’t have this.
J: Ah. Well. I guess he doesn’t.
[Reaches forward and shakes Jorge’s hand.]
OM: I am a Hungarian and Yugoslavian. And now? A Canadian! What do you think about that?
J: I think that’s just great. Ah well, I need to go now.
OM: Me too. [Noticably calmer.] I need to get moving. [Begins to slowly shuffle away.]
J: [Waving as he heads off in the opposite direction, and shouts over his shoulder.] See you around! You might want to buy a canoe! You never know when that next flood will happen!
OM: HA HA!
I swear that is exactly how that conversation went down.
My discomfort at the subject matter was offset by my amusment at a very old man swearing like a sailor.
Filed under: Anecdotes | Tagged: Crazy, Jesus | 15 Comments »
Barking Space 